EDIT BF IS 24 NOT 34.
Big backstory incoming.
My boyfriend had his daughter, who I will call Susie, when he was 13. The mother of the child was much older and took advantage of him. She did not tell him about susie until she was 2 years old. He was still in high school and randomly got a knock on the door asking for a paternity test. I have been with my boyfriend since I was 18 years old, it will be 7 years in October.
My boyfriend is not on his daughters birth certificate and wasnt extremely active in her life. Her mother is not active in her life in the past. My boyfriend did not have a good relationship with Susie until about one year ago. Susie lives with her grandmother and her grandmother is very protective of her(understandably).
I decided not to meet Susie until yesterday because I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. I did not want to meet her until my boyfriend was active in her life and I felt like it would be okay and not confusing. I dealt with a lot of parent issues when I was a kid so I was very hesitant to introduce myself to her. Thankfully everything went great, we spent the whole day together hanging out, cooking, and doing arts and crafts.
About an hour before Susie’s grandmother picked her up Susie pulled me aside and asked her dad to leave the room. She then asked me if it was okay if she called me mom. I didn’t know how to react and I told her that she couldn’t. I explained that I wasn’t her real mom and it could hurt her real mom if she did something like that. I told her I really appreciate it but we need to have a better relationship before anything like that happens. I was absolutely in shock. I obviously don’t want to hurt her but I don’t want people in her lives hating me. I think it would be inappropriate for her to call me mom after meeting me one time…..
Do you think I handled this right??? After she left I went to the bathroom and had a breakdown. I feel so bad for susie and I feel horrible for not meeting her earlier. I’m wondering if I should reach out to Susie’s grandmother and tell her what happened and what she asked me. I do not know how to handle this at all. Please don’t shame me for taking so long to meet susie. I just did what I felt was right.
13 comments
I think you handled it very well. That’s very difficult but it’s not appropriate, especially before you’ve had a chance to get to know her and her grandmother more.
You should also talk to your boyfriend about this. His daughter is only young and I’m sure she loved having that time with you, but you explained it well and told her the truth.
I feel really bad for Susie, honestly I know you’re in discomfort, but I’d say hangout with her more and tell her that one day you’d be happy for her to call you mom, but for now you just wanna be best friends. That way she doesn’t get this idea that you don’t like her
I think you’ve been very smart.
I also think this kid is desperate to have people love her and probably needs some therapy.
I would be inclined to talk to her next time and just say “I was thinking about your question from before but I think it would be neat if we picked special names for each other”
I don’t think you need to reach out to Gma on this.
I think you did the best you could being put on the spot like that. Her grandmother would certainly lose her mind if she heard Susie call you mom. Poor kid is aching for a mom of her own. Talk to your boyfriend and get his opinion on what to do going forward. Maybe sit down with her and pick out names for each other. Maybe later on you’ll get to that point where everyone is ok with you being “mom”.
I think you did it right. It’s been 1 day, barely, of knowing each other. 1 year from now? That might be a different story, but it’s one day. That said, if you are up for it, let her know that you have no problems getting to know her. That maybe one day you could feel like you belong in a motherly role to her, but that’s up to you.
If you see a future with your boyfriend, you may end up having kids. Let her know that. She may come to feel you are her mother or at least a motherly figure. That really isn’t something you can stop. What you can do something about it how you feel about her. Now that she is in your and your boyfriend’s lives, you both need to think about these things but don’t build any expectations around that. Let things work out the way they do. If she feels like you are a mother figure to her, do not reject her. Be honest with her.
Hey OP! It’s really common for kids who have grown up in an unstable situation to have attachment issues. Some don’t attach and some attach too quickly. You did a great job handling it but I know it’s still really heartbreaking. Susie definitely needs to be in counseling though.
13?!!! Why is the woman not in jail! I about spit out my drink
You need to have a conversation with both your boyfriend and the girl’s grandmother. Don’t worry about what they think about you. What this girl needs is support. If her grandmother doesn’t already have her in therapy, she needs to arrange that asap.
Wait, I had to read this over and over again. The math does not check out. He had her at 13. His daughter is 9. Shouldn’t that make him 22 then instead of 34? Or if he’s 34 and he really did have her at 13, shouldn’t that make her 21 now?
Here grandmother would have an issue with this also, I’m sure. You did the right thing.
You did well but I would talk to your boyfriend and get his opinion. Than I probably would call the grandmother.
UpdateMe!
my advice, be there for her! she sees something in you. Please don’t disappoint this little Angel.
Hangout with her 1 on 1 if you have time, Change her life, the world will reward you!