I just need to vent somewhere. If you have advice that’s fine too. Me (34f) and my husband (34m) have been married 1 year and 4 months. We are all aware of how we put our best foot forward in the beginning right? Well having been divorced once I have had a lot of therapy, working on myself and, grown a lot. This man straight up lied about multiple things. He had a maid for every time I came over. His house was clean and organized. He is really a slob. We have had numerous fights because I feel as if I have a 3rd child. The worst one is he told me he had been to therapy himself. When I told him 6 months in we need to go and get a handle he said he’s not doing that “bullshit.” I told him that my love language has been a problem in the past and it’s ok if he doesn’t want to meet it, but it’s a deal breaker for me. He insisted that was the silliest, simplest thing. I explained my sexual needs because this too has been a problem and he again reassured me he loves all the sex and he’s “so wild.” All of these things have been a problem. He did nothing for my birthday both years. And nothing for our anniversary knowing those are a big deal to me. He called me a whore on our wedding night in Greece because I skinny dipped in our private villa. All of this is after directly telling him I’m a bit free, confident, but loyal and committed. I love to be naked. It’s not weird to me. Ok I know this is long, but there is much more. In a nutshell, we have now been to two therapists and made slight progress. He has worked a little on verbal validation and got me a nice Valentine’s gift(although it’s a digital note box and he hasn’t sent one in 3 weeks). It’s not even the money, it’s the thought. That’s all I want. Here is the kicker. My kids absolutely adore him. He’s kind and goofy and he cares about them. This is all I have ever wanted. But will he help me make them food? No. Does he help me make me food or see if I need help? No. We stopped having any kind of consistent sex a few months ago which I totally understand things do not stay hot and firey, but I’m talking a month of nothing. Now, the last straw is he has stopped touching me. I am a very touchy person. Hugs, touching an arm, cuddles extc. When I brought up this discussion he says he has lost his sexual desire because I don’t respect him. I do have a hard time communicating really calmly because I am so over this. I grew up in an interrupting house so it’s all my family does. I do continue to work on it though. I’m juSt so tired. I could have never guessed this would be my life at 34 years old in a million years. Is this really just the hard years of marriage? We have not gone 30 days of decent or happy since June of 2021. I’m losing hope.
2 comments
Ouch first off I’m sorry you’re going through these feelings and you’ve had to work so hard. Marriage shouldn’t be this much work. Reading all of this is exhausting. I couldn’t imagine.
>We stopped having any kind of consistent sex a few months ago which I totally understand things do not stay hot and firey, but I’m talking a month of nothing.
Why not? We’re going on 12 years and still keep it hot and fiery.
>Is this really just the hard years of marriage? We have not gone 30 days of decent or happy since June of 2021. I’m losing hope.
As would I. Did you guys not know each other or live together before you got married? Most of these issues would have been noticed early on it seems.
I feel a lot of people rush into marriage without fully knowing the other person. Couples need to live with one another for a while before they can make that kind of commitment.
Marriage is definitely hard! I’m on my second marriage and we dated a year before we married. Well we’ve been married for almost 13 years but it has definitely been a battle to stay married.
I too have experienced some of the same things as you, but what changed was where I got my validation. I set my husband free from meeting my expectations and let him know my desires. You have said he doesn’t feel respected- this is so often the case for men and it may be that something we are doing causes him to feel that way- just because we don’t see it at disrespect doesn’t mean he doesn’t… communication is very much needed and it is a two way (listen and convey but also understand by this is what I hear you saying, can you help me understand)..
My husband and I just did a Les and Leslie Parrott study based off of Love and Respect… man, I can’t think of the name but it has a great assessment to learn your communication type think it was Better Love . We’ve done several of their studies and walk away stronger. It takes 3 to make a marriage work but at least 1 has to be willing to work for it. Nina Roesner has The Respect Dare and it is very good for us wives, I’ve used it often and it has helped as well as her Daughter’s of Sarah study 12 Truths to change your marriage.
Finally, know you both are trying to get to know each other- experts now say date 5 years before you get married and no living together beforehand… I read song of Solomon recently and one of the warnings that I wish I had known before both of my marriages; do not awaken love before its time” in otherwords “Don’t rush love”
my husband did keep a cleaner house before we married, he now feels it’s my job to keep it clean- I feel everybody in the house needs to do their part, so while he may have had a maid clean before u came over or he may have been more cautious of 2har he needed to do- but hey, he may get a maid to help you out if you ask…
Finally, there may be stress on his part or he may have issues outside of marriage that he is insecure about so don’t take it personally and try to work on learning him and doing what you can to learn what is Respect or disrespect in his eyes and understanding one another. NOW if there is any abuse get help NOW!!! Otherwise, fight for your husband (marriage) don’t fight him… here if you want to talk more and I do have plenty of marriage resources to share if you’re interested as I definitely didn’t want to failed marriages in my lifetime so I have been working on me and learning he is his own person and I’m the only one I can change.