My fiancee (24F) and I (24M) have been together for 5.5 years. When we fight, she usually asks for a hug as we come to a resolution. Usually I’m happy to do this, as I feel it helps bring us back together and signal an end to the conflict. Twice now, however, I have told her that my emotions were still elevated to the point that I did not feel ready for physical contact yet (with anyone, not her specifically). This has made her very upset, and she has insisted that I should always be willing to hug her when she needs me to, and that she would do the same for me. She says that the hug is what helps her to settle her emotions, and that she can’t stand the stress she feels when I decline.
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I tried to suggest a few compromises. First, I offered to initiate some kind of less intensive physical contact, then I suggested that we could each take time to cool down on our own and then I could come give her a hug when I felt ready, and lastly I suggested that we could find something innocuous to chat about until I felt calmer, at which point I would hug her. She said that all of these solutions still leave her without the resolution she needs right up front, and neither of us has any better ideas. Is there some other potential compromise I’m missing? Is there some more effective way to communicate to her that none of this means I care about her any less?
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Thank you for any advice you have, I really appreciate it.
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Tl;dr: My fiancee asks to hug after fights, but sometimes I don’t feel ready. She insists that this is necessary for her, and none of the compromises I’ve offered have been acceptable. I’m hoping for any suggested compromises or perhaps alternative approaches to the problem.
9 comments
Could you hold her hand in silence? She has to give some. That’s what compromise is.
Yeah, if the problem is that she can’t stand you declining hugs, then the best compromise I can imagine is that she stops asking you for hugs after arguments and waits for you to initiate one. It is unreasonable that she thinks her need for a hug from you overrides your bodily autonomy.
To help illustrate this, imagine it wasn’t a hug but sex. Hopefully it’s *obvious* that her need for sex as demanded would be unreasonable.
Your boundaries are your boundaries, and forcing you to hug her when you’re not ready to is unreasonable.
No advice, just a question.
>he has insisted that I should always be willing to hug her when she needs me to, and that she would do the same for me. She says that the hug is what helps her to settle her emotions, and that she can’t stand the stress she feels when I decline.
Why is her need for a hug more important than your need for a moment to gather yourself? She sounds a bit selfish.
You did offer the compromise – she waits a few minutes then you hug her. If she is not ok with that than idk what to tell you… she’s kind of being a baby. You don’t always get what you want! The truth about being human that we learn from childhood to adulthood is that the people around you have the same subjectivity you do – they are not objects for your use. She is denying your subjectivity and using you as an object when she demands a hug when you don’t want to give one. You are a human being with feelings as valid as hers, and when she demands a hug to help *her* feel better she is invalidating your legitimate feelings. Express that.
That said, and I am merely asking and not pushing you to do anything – would it be difficult for you to just give her the physical hug she wants without the emotions behind it and then have your alone time after? Make sure she knows your heart would not be in it, but if she really really needs this that’s the best you can do. Can you handle that? It’s ok to say no.
My wife when I try to hug “I’m not there yet. I’m sure I will be soon.”
Olivia and Donut here have some good info.
What I want to know, is why you’re having all these fights that both A. lead her to needing a hug for reassurance, and B. Have you so worked up that you can’t stand a hug?
That shit isn’t healthy, my friend. Sure, couples are going to disagree about stuff, but it sounds like you have a lot of conflict in your relationship. I was in a lot of relationships like that when I was younger, didn’t realize at the time it was unusual. Then again, I know several people that fight like mad and CLAIM they love each other a ton .. but screaming matches, distrust, mega anger over little stuff. That’s not a way to live life. You CAN find someone you won’t need to fight with.
Well, my wife has moved to not talking to me for 5 days working through her emotions despite settling the situation in day 1 sometimes day 2. Often I don’t sleep at all one night and only a few hours the other nights due to the stress.
Sooooo, I’d be up for the hug personally.
You should always be willing to hug her when she needs it? Sounds controlling. You should read “Why does he do that,” by Lundy Barcroft and see if any of it resonates with you. This relationship does not sound healthy and you should be the one to dictate what happens with your body when you choose. Please read it, her behaviour is a massive red flag.
Go to the toilet. Just go, lock the door. Have a 20 minute sit (which seems normal with most men) and then come back.