I’ve been thinking about my past relationships and how they never really worked out. And you know what? It’s all because of me being toxic and emotionally unavailable.
I used to wonder why I always attracted people who were emotionally unavailable or just not a good fit for me, but I finally realized that it’s because of my own issues.
Luckily, a friend of mine helped me out and gave me some valuable insights about my personality and behavior. I’m not saying that I’m a bad person, but I’m not as nice or caring as I thought I was.
Now, I’m working on myself and doing some serious self-reflection to figure out my actions and behavior.
And if you’re in the same boat as me, and your relationships keep failing or you keep attracting the wrong people, you might want to think about doing some self-reflection too.
Honestly, at first, I didn’t want to admit that I was the problem. But now, I know that I’m not the perfect partner that I used to think I was.
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The rare introspective post on this sub.
Kudos.
Almost all of the posts are from people who are incapable of seeing the part they play in their own struggles and want a quick fix and/or to blame the world.
This is so true and relatable on so many levels! I have discovered this too, I think i purposely choose someone who is unavaiable, a bit anti-social. I think it stems from my attention seeking habit where i want to be the knight in shining armour, the ray of sunshine in her life. Later i realised it not a healthy pratice. It is not only making me the locus of someone else’s universe but even this act that i put on with is not sustainable. I need to bring some fundamental changes in myself so that i start being with independent happy and fullfilling people. You know the saying, “birds of a feather flock together”.
Fake
Been feeling this myself, honestly.
Though admittedly, if I told the full story of the relationship that I just blew up, I’m fairly sure most would tell me that I was right to get out of it and shouldn’t have gotten into it to begin with.
But, doesn’t change the fact that I blew it up.
Good for you, identifying the problem is the first step to fix it..
I think you have more other issues than just being toxic 😅
I feel this. It’s human nature to either internalize (self-flagellate) or externalize (blame other people for your problems), not to find the reasonable middle ground where everyone is an independent actor, you accept responsibility for your own behavior, and you move forward without beating yourself up too much.
Keep at it!
I’ve been like this in my current relationship, which is now threatening to fall apart. For the past three years, up until late January, I was like this.
So many regrets.
Yeah. A lot of people don’t want to admit that they may be causing, or partially at fault, for their own relationship issues.
One way to tell is that if you are always ending up with people who all share the same bad qualities…it’s likely you who is selecting for them. It may be unconscious, it could be related to a past trauma for which you are not at fault.
But it is your problem, and only you can fix it.
Can I ask about your behaviour?
As someone who was blindsided by a long-term partner who very clearly preferred emotionally unavailable partners, this post makes me happy for you. It is great that you’re realizing this about yourself and realizing that you aren’t perfect! If it’s safe to do so, reaching out to some partners you hurt through your unavailability with an apology is never a bad move.
Good luck on your journey! You deserve happiness and emotional depth to relationships!
I had someone tell me this one time. She said that if I wanted to attract a different kind of people I needed to change myself. I didn’t really feel like changing myself, so I just figured out how to be attracted to the freaks I do attract! I’m much happier now. I know exactly what to expect, and I’m happy with what I get! Turns out I actually like freaks like Me! 👍🏻
It’s a difficult discussion to have with ones self, and a lot of reflection is needed.
After the many years of trying to date on my side, this was the only logical conclusion.
As much as I considered myself a good man, it became obvious that I wasn’t.
Since then, I have stopped dating all together. I don’t seek out relationships, as I am undeserving of them. I did meet with several therapists over the years to help me, but the issue is me. This isn’t something that can be fixed. And at my age, I have lost the time to keep trying. Now, I merely wait for the end.
In your case, find a good therapist, discuss the issue and try their suggestions. Don’t take too long, and don’t be afraid to go totally against your type. Hope your results are far better than my own. Take care and best wishes.
I’m the problem too
Realizing you have qualities in yourself that you need to work on is just the first step to finding someone. So many people don’t wanna look inside, they just wanna blame others so they don’t have to take accountability for their actions.
This could have been written by me, except that I ended up attracting and marrying a wonderful person, then I screwed it all up. It took a lot of time and inward thinking to realize that I’m the problem. I wish I had the tools to figure it out a long time ago.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re a woman. Women seem to inherently incapable of accepting their roles or to take any responsibility for the things they do. Its not your fault, it’s the way we are treated differently.in society. Your worth is inherent and granted, we work for ours and to prove our worth we have to accept our short comings. Good for you. I’m genuinely happy for you.
You are awesome for recognizing you are the issue! If more people were like you, relationships would be easier 😊
There’s something wrong with me. Everyone can see it but me. My friends make allusions to it but never say outright what it is. For all my introspection I can’t put my finger on what it is, only that it’s there. But I’m also definitely the problem.
>I’m not as nice or caring as I thought I was.
>
>I’m not the perfect partner that I used to think I was.
This is tough to swallow but so good for growth. I recently realized the same.