I’ve come to the conclusion that my problem with sex is that I am literally always tense. I talked to my therapist about it, about how the background anxiety never goes away. Mild-to-moderate isn’t just my default state, it’s the lowest it ever goes. She suggested hard exercise would be worth a try, but I don’t recall ever being so tired out that I couldn’t feel stressed. Even when I’m thoroughly exhausted I’m still not relaxed, I’m still just as stressed about everything I’m not getting done, I just don’t have the energy to do anything about it.
Mindfulness exercises or meditations haven’t worked, I just get hyper aware of how I’m not relaxing, and I get stressed about failing at it and ultimately I’m just more tense, anxious and stressed than I would have been if I had never tried to relax at all.
I’m aware that the mental block is there, I’m aware that it is the specific problem at hand, but trying to fix it feels like having to open a locked box with the key that’s inside the box. And she shrugged and said
“I don’t know, some people can pick locks.”
So… How do I do that? I’ve found a hundred things that didn’t work and my therapist just told me to keep looking.
9 comments
Maybe picking actual locks? Some people find it soothing. I know that focusing on things/skills like that can be relaxing.
Power washing simulator. Knitting.
Both work for me
Are you on any medication to treat anxiety?
I have generalized anxiety disorder, and I’m on an SSRI for it. Therapy only took me so far. With the SSRI, unless there is a particular, big problem that I am ruminating on, I can use tactics to get to a relaxed state. It’s easier to relax when the stakes are lower (e.g. not trying to have sex). Music, massages, breathing exercises, and showers are things that help me.
Pre-sex massages are fantastic for letting go the stress of the day.
My wife and I start with a silent naked hug in bed each night. After about 3 minutes our heart rate and brains have slowed way down. That prompts my dick to get hard. Then we’re good to go.
Body scan meditations are fantastic. Meditation or mindfulness exercises in general help a lot, though it can take time and practice depending on how naturally you’re able to “zone out”. On my own, it’s incredibly hard to get into that state of mind (unless I’m stoned). With guided meditation, a couple of minutes and I’m cool as a cucumber.
I regularly ask my partner to lightly rub his fingers all along my body, that relaxes me instantly. Someone else mentioned massages. If you and your partner exchange massages beforehand with soothing music on that can be incredibly relaxing too, or a bath together if you have a large enough bathtub (unfortunately rare in most apartments/houses though).
Smoking some pot first always helps me
meds or weed personally
Getting a little high 😉
Weed