Me 25M self-destructive when fighting with 23F gf

Tonight we fought again. No emergencies, just verbal. But she and I recognize a pattern. Whenever I don’t know how to handle something, I become self-destructive; I don’t care about myself anymore. Probably explains why I have no problem getting drunk. I wonder whether anyone recognizes what I type next, and whether/how they solved it.

Today a trip didn’t go as planned. We had tickets for some bus tour but because we arrived last minute all the good seats were taken. My gf had to go to the toilet before it was time to board. According to her while I waited I could’ve secured a pair of the good seats. I wanted to wait outside the bus before she arrived. Apparently that wasn’t the right thing to do.

The tickets came from vouchers so no money was lost. And the tour operator said we can come back next night with good seats guaranteed. But my gf was disappointed nonetheless and didn’t want to go on the tour at all anymore.

I didn’t know how to handle her blaming me I didn’t find good seats while waiting for her. I was upset because I didn’t know how to handle her being upset. As usual when not knowing how to handle it, I went for a long walk. I feel like I cannot see her for a moment. In this state I feel no concern for her. This brings us to my mean texts.

She texted me to ask when I’m coming back. But I responded with references to every instance of her critique of me, as small as they where, with some silly intention of convincing her she shouldn’t stay with me.

For instance, I will text her she should tell her friends. She likes to complain to friends about anything. But she regrets sharing some of our fights with her friends because some of her friends refused support next time she complains about the same bf issues; it’s about the resistance met when telling these friends we got back together again. Afterwards, however, when I’m calmed down, I regret I said such things.

I have a history of self-destruction. In middle school doing something “bad” made me want pay with pain; usually I would cut myself. One example is my when my dad was assembling Ikea furniture. My little toddler brother was about to step on some parts in a way that would have shattered them. So I pushed him away, not in a way that hurt him. But my dad got verbally angry I “dared to touch my brother”. I felt so guilty afterwards that I found it necessary to cut myself.

I wonder whether my self-destruction stems from my childhood. Part of my parents’ way of raising me was spanking me whenever I misbehaved. I do feel an urge to pay with pain whenever it turns out I made the wrong choice. But I don’t dare to assume since it would literally be a guess.

This is not my first relationship. I had a gf in highschool. Whenever I accidentally hurt my ex’s feelings I’d also have this urge to duck up everything. I’d hurt myself or sabotage our relationship. Yet it took at least two years to get over that breakup.

TLDR: I know being self-destructive and all is not the way to handle things. I fully agree when I’m sober. But that is not enough to calm me down whenever it happens. Does anyone know what is going on with me?

EDIT: The first few comments made me realize the above wording might make it seem I behave this way because of drinking. That is not the case. For example, tonight, I drank after all the fuss but before writing this post. Wouldn’t be surprised drinking is bad tho.