Upset that a relationship didn’t work out

For most of my life I didn’t feel a need for a romantic partner. I was content and happy as a solo person enjoying my introverted life as a shut-in. This is not to say I have never wanted to move out however – financial issues prevent that – and now that I’m closing in on 24 years of age, I want that freedom. Not only that, but I live in a situation where I can’t be myself. (Fellow non-binary living in an ultra conservative Christian household here.) I have no future here.

I met someone online about a year ago, and we quickly hit it off. It was a new feeling for me, this emotional and spiritual connection to someone. We gamed together, listened to music together, talked on Discord every night, we even made plans for me to move out and in with them within just a few short years. Everything was going well except…

This individual has past traumas. I’m not judging them for that. On the contrary, I was completely supportive and offered them as much care as I could provide, and for that they were eternally grateful. But as time went on and more problems began to arise, relating to doubts they had towards me due to past experiences with others, such as faithfulness, I began to get the sense that this was doomed to fail, but I continued the fight. I wanted to fight to get out of my home, and I wanted nothing more than to be with them.

To be clear, I’ve known for a long time that due to past traumas, the physical part of a relationship for them was a non-factor, and I was totally accepting of that. Once they learned that there’s a small part of me (I’m greysexual, I’m pretty sure) that can feel physical attraction towards others, is when things started to spiral downhill. Going a bit NSFW here, but it wouldn’t matter to them if I hypothetically watched p\*rn or if I had “me time”. They made it clear that if I did that, it wouldn’t bother them. But, when they said that the world would be so much better if physical attraction was a non-factor for everyone, and that real love would exist, and when they said that the fact I can feel physically attracted to others made them feel uncomfortable and unsafe around me (not basing on prior actions, just the \*idea\*), I knew it could never work out.

I feel like a shell of myself right now. These were the best 11 months of my life. I felt like I had everything figured out, and I felt loved. But sometimes one piece of a puzzle just doesn’t fit, and everything falls apart.

Of course I would never judge anyone for their trauma. As I stated, it was a non-issue for me and I was working the best I could to support them mentally. But… some part of me wants to be offended? Am I in the wrong here? The fact that some part of me experiences physical attraction (even just the ability to acknowledge physical beauty in people), even though it would have led to no lack of loyalty towards them (and I know that), it’s just… a part of me? It’s not even a part I’m ashamed of. It’s just a tiny sliver of who I am. I almost felt like they were hoping I was a “better” or “purer” person. Not to toot my own horn, but I know I’m better than quite a few people out there – the fact I would never cheat is one such example. So I could be a heck of a lot worse in that respect. I’m not saying I’m innocent, but to a lot of people, that’s the vibe I get off.

Should I feel this way? After all, this is a part of me that I can’t control, nor would I want to. It just is, case closed. They didn’t directly shame me for it, the ability to perceive physical attraction (ex. something as simple as, “those are pretty eyes on that fictional character!”), but… it almost felt like they did?

Anyway, just a bad day for me, and almost worse still, I guess I’ll be stuck in this house forever more.

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**TL;DR:** Relationship didn’t work out due to partner being incapable of feeling physical attraction, and… judging me/others for that ability?