Do you give your non working spouse allowance money?

47 comments

1. This is financial abuse. You should have equal access to the funds.

2. I have 100% access to all of our money. I’m a SAHM my husband works.

3. No. It’s a shared account.

4. You need to think about going back to work, even if it’s part time. You all are either too poor to have a sahm parent, or he’s too big of jerk. You need some income/security of your own

5. I was the main bread-winner for years, while my OH would work P/T, F/T or freelance depending on circumstances (vocation-specific). We always shared our finances. We have our household and are equal partners to it.

   It never occured to me to control him and vice-versa, and if we want to make certain purchases we check/consult each other (which is not the same as asking for permission).

6. When I didn’t work for a few years I always had access to our funds; we have joint accounts. We only agreed to consult one another if a purchase went beyond a set amount that we decided on. This went both ways though, not just for me.

7. I stay at home and do not have to check in about purchases. We set a monthly budget and we both try to stay within those limits. If it’s a larger purchase, we usually discuss it together anyway or make sure it’s accounted for in the following months budget.

8. wtf he actually says that you look like shit?! why would you even take that bullshit from your partner?!

   I was not working for a while and ain’t no fucking way that I ‘get an allowance’ from my husband; he’s not my father and I am a grownass woman. It is OUR money that is for the entire house.

9. YOU 👏 ARE 👏 WORKING 👏 TOO 👏

   Being a SAHM is hard, your work has value, and you deserve to buy all the reasonable things you want without needing your husband’s permission. So now that we’ve clarified that…is your husband withholding access to the money? Or is he just complaining about what you’ve spent? If it’s the latter I say spend what you want, and then if he complains remind him how much your household labor is worth that you’d be paying out if you didn’t SAH.

10. He couldn’t make that money if you weren’t at home with the kid. You’re married. You share money. He’s not your dad. You don’t get an allowance. This is 100% financial abuse. He’s treating you like a child or an invalid who can’t be trusted with money. There’s zero respect.

    * your post history indicates your marriage has been riddled with issues/problematic for a while. Your husband is a dickwad.

11. Yeah no. I took time off to stay home but our income was always combined since we married.

    As long as his debit card doesn’t get rejected, and the bills are paid he asks no questions. Which works because one day he got into our bank app and was like “where did that $40k come from?”
    I save all our bonuses, we don’t need them lol

    So yeah, this wouldn’t work for me

12. My wife has been a stay at home mom since the birth of our oldest over 25 years ago. She did some part time work hear and there, but I’ve been the primary income earner. Our finances are fully merged so she has access to everything I have access to. She manages our “day to day” bills like utilities, credit cards, etc. I manage our long term finances (i.e. emergency fund, retirement, etc). We are joint owners on most accounts (*) including credit cards so we can each go out and buy things as they are needed. We talk about most purchases before they happen though. I rarely suggest she wait and never say “no”. If I disagree with a purchase, I explain why and we talk about it. Sometimes she’ll see my point of view, sometimes she’ll clarify and I’ll see hers. Either way, our finances are equitably shared.

    Your case certainly sounds like financial abuse but I also suspect part of it is because your husband is relying on his faulty memory rather than actually looking at the timing of transactions. I do feel that you should have far more access to family finances than you do. At a minimum, the two of you should be discussing them regularly so that you are both on the same page. Whether this is weekly or at least monthly, you need to be aware of the finances in case something happens to him. It only takes one idiot causing a car accident to turn life upside down for both of you.

    ​

    (*) When my dad passed, my mom ran into issues with some of their joint accounts because dad was the primary. As such, we make sure that my wife is primary or sole account holder on a couple of accounts in case something were to happen to me.

13. He’s treating you like a servant, not a partner.

    You’re working as well, raising your children, and keeping the house running. You aren’t lesser than him. You are equals and should have equal access to your resources

14. Yikes, this whole post made me cringe, specially the fact that he says you look like shit. He’s not frugal, he’s an a**hole! If you both came to the agreement that you would be a SAHM he then should be capable of covering all your needs when it comes to clothing, makeup, skin care, hygiene items, healthcare, etc. and in my opinion even something nice and out of the ordinary here and there (example: a bag, a piece of jewelry, etc.) because being a SAHM is harder than most jobs and you should be able to treat yourself once in a while. I think you have bigger issues than the spending capabilities you’re mentioning, he insulting you is not ok, I read you have acne and other things but that’s not a excuse to be cruel to a spouse, specially when she’s pregnant and managing the household.

15. i’m a SAHM i don’t have access to any of our money and my husband won’t send me money unless i ask. i have asked for joint accounts and he says yeah and then it never happens (*eye roll*) BUT he has never told me no when i asked. i just hate having to ask, just feels a lil demeaning sometimes.

16. We make a budget and as part of that budget we each have our own spending money. We call it “entertainment”. Allowance sounds childish. That money is separate from necessary things like clothes and basic household items. We have line items in the budget for those things. Entertainment is really just our own money to have fun with.

    We review spending and check in if we’re going to spend a lot in a specific category. For example my wife is shopping for a new bedspread and a few other things so we looked at the “household” category and made sure there was enough money and there wasn’t anything else we needed. Same when I decided to get new frying pans last year. Same with when she was going to buy a lot of clothes. It’s not to get permission but to make sure that one of us won’t spend all the money in the budget leaving the other one without money when they need something.

    You really need to make a budget and have these conversations up front.

17. I’m currently unemployed whilst my husband is working and he has never ‘given me an allowance’, he trusts me not to spend unreasonably (in fact I tend to make and plan our purchases as a family and that’s fairly common).

    I mean I’d absolutely run a high value purchase by him first…and he’d look at me like, ‘why are you asking permission’?

    For richer or poorer and all that, OP.

18. My wife actually handles all the family finances. For a time I was the only working spouse. She stayed home with the kids when they were young. She’s been working for a great many years now. We are both professionals, but because of the gap in her career, I earn more than she does by a fairly wide margin. Still, I’ve always viewed every dollar, whether it’s my paycheck or hers, as “our” money. I’m a simple guy who doesn’t need or want much. My wife spends quite a bit more on herself — makeup and clothes — but I’m fine with that. We’re talking expenditures in the four figures over an average year, which isn’t a lot of money for a family with annual income deep into the mid six figures. I don’t begrudge her a few indulgences.

19. Others have identified emotional and financial abuse. I work and my wife does most of the work for our kids but we share a lot of the tasks too. I cook, clean and take care of the kids as needed. She has full access to all my money but she is also responsible.

    I do get upset sometimes when she spends money on various things, but that feeling usually goes away because she makes our lives better.

20. I mean this won’t work because your husband is abusive and doesn’t actually care about you, but you should both be getting an allowance.

    The main household account should be accessible by both of you and hold the money for all family activities and bills etc. Then you each get a percentage or set amount to use at personal discretion. The personal amount should be THE SAME for both parties, and only for personal items. Using your money for the kids stuff is not the way it should be done.

    I doubt he’d be okay with you having financial independence and sounds like a dick so he’s probably not going to do that. You could always charge him for childcare – should net you about 25-35$ an hour whenever he’s not home. You’d probably have to split bills proportionally if you did that though.

21. Reading through your past posts and to be honest, you need to leave this man who has demanded sex when you were not able and by your own accounts has anger issues. This is a dangerous environment for you and your child.

22. My husband makes it, I spend it, I do all the errands, don’t ask me about what I spent! He never does, just wants his stuff!

23. Forget about the money. If my spouse ever talked to me that way I’d divorce them.

24. When my husband didn’t work for a year, I didn’t give him an allowance. We both shared access to our money. We always have.

    So how do spouses trust one another financially? You talk about your budget. Clothes, shoes, personal care — these are normal expenses and should be part of your budget, just like groceries.

    My husband and I both earn about the same now. We do check-in with each other before big purchases just to make sure we are on the same page (like, I don’t want to splurge on airfare if he was planning to buy tires tomorrow), but that’s it.

25. If you don’t mind me asking, and I’m asking in the spirit of problem solving and not judgement – are you living paycheck-to-paycheck, or how does your household budgeting work? It sounds like maybe your husband is keeping just enough for essentials and moving the rest elsewhere?

    Because I just looked back at your post history and oof. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Not putting your name on the house? Withholding money for basics you need? That is really alarming. I would encourage you to make sure you have visibility into where all of your (yes any money that he brings in is also yours) money is. Demand that he include you in the budgeting process. Make note of all your account information (banking, credit, retirement) and keep it somewhere safe in case the situation gets worse.

26. We both work but I work from home and make less money. I can buy what I want that we can afford.

    If I were in your shoes and I didn’t want to divorce, I’d get a job and work outside the home and make my own money. I’d want to put myself in a position where he can’t do that to me again. It would be a big move that would cause change in probably a few places but it would be needed in my opinion.

    Or confront and put your foot down. You know what’s right and what’s wrong. Fight for what’s right. As long as he wouldn’t get physical or punish you for standing up for yourself. If that were to happen then I’d say he’s entirely abusive and this is about control over you and not money at all. And I would be definitely getting that job and moving towards independence so I could get me and my kids out of there.

27. Been married 18 years. My husband works and I work here and there. But I’m in charge of all the money. He has to ask me to spend money. But that what works for us.
    My best friend is in your boat. Husband super cheep. She gets allowance each month. And it’s a set one.
    She doesn’t like it but she also doesn’t want to work. She started selling clothes on line to make a little extra cash for herself.

28. Non working spouse? As if cooking, cleaning, raising children and everything else isnt work? Allowance? As if you’re a child? Ugh no! I’m a sahm and this entire question bothers me. My husband works outside of the home to support our family. I work inside of the home to support our family. Both of us are equally valuable. ❤

29. Being a SAHP is work. If watching children isn’t work, why does daycare cost over $1k a month?

30. Half of his paycheck belongs to you.

31. Do you have any family who can help you out? Unfortunately your husband is an irredeemable POS and you should really look towards divorce. If you have any family willing to help you you should reach out to them.

32. Allowance? That money isn’t his. It is the households. This is abusive/childish behavior. You deserve equal access to the money but you both need to discuss the goals with that money as well. Either way, he shouldn’t be trying to just withhold money from you. That’s awful

33. My husband work full time. I been SAHM for the past 3 years. I manage most of our financial need. Making sure bills paid on time. Kids get what they need. I basically do all the purchasing. My husband is too busy for that. You don’t need allowance. You are not his kid. You have the right to access the money

34. We have a joint account that we both pay bills from and have access to. When I wasn’t working I kept my spending low, but I never had to ask my wife for permission before buying something. I’d usually tell her I was doing it though.

    Seems odd that this is the scenario you’re in.

35. Yeah, no. I was SAHM for 7 years. I was in charge of our finances, and it was my working husband who checked in with me about purchases.

36. My husband and I keep our financials separate although we can access each other’s online banking if needed. When I was on mat leave I got paid those benefits plus child benefits paid out by the government. It worked out to at least $1000 per month. I didn’t need a lot so I’d save most of it. By our second kid I was no longer working so I didn’t get mat leave pay but still got the government benefit and I started working a couple hours a week as a fitness instructor to make some extra cash. My husband and I also share a credit card linked to his name. I have it on my Google wallet and can pay for things if I need to. I’ve always been very financially independent so I’ve never been interested and having shared accounts but it’s very much an “our money” mentality.

37. I feel this so hard. I’ve been there. Money gets tight and they worry too much. We don’t worry enough. Yadda yadda. I just got a part time job that worked around my schedule with my child. Three days a week. It doesn’t always work out though. Ugh, babe. I feel you!! I hate asking for money but I need lotion and cold cream.

38. My wife and I are both very frugal too. We eventually found that neither of us were spending enough money on ourselves, so we set up a sort of allowance system. Every week we have a certain amount of money that we can each spend on absolutely whatever we want completely guilt free. If I want something large and frivolous, I’ll save up for a few weeks. We have really liked this. Even though there was never any judgement before, I still felt a little guilty or worried about spending on myself, and she did too. (I’m a stay at home dad, btw and don’t work outside of the home) this removed the guilt of personal spending, for both of us. It doesn’t apply to necessities (makeup, groceries, kids stuff etc.) just fun stuff.

39. My husband is very frugal.

    I am less frugal than him, but still don’t overspend.

    I am a stay at home mom of 3.

    If I want/need something, I buy it. No questions asked. His money is OUR money and he never questions my spending. Never. I’m not out here buying Gucci bags and LuluLemon, but if I want something, I buy it, and it’s never an issue.

    Your husband is limiting your spending and that’s financial abuse.

40. I’m sorry, but why are you with this AH? I looked at your previous posts, and it’s clear that you are being abused. Get help and get far away from him. Fwiw, I was a SAHM for 12 years, with full access to all funds.

41. My wife is a SAHM and I make decent money. I just bought her a new car that my sons very much enjoy because there is a ton of leg room, she just got her hair done, and tomorrow I’m taking her to dinner and clothes shopping. We have a joint bank account, she has access to everything including her own debit card.

    Any man who does different needs to step up, if you trust her less with your money then you do your children then you as a man need to do some self evaluating.

42. No. That’s ridiculous. My wife is a SAHM. All of our money goes into and out of the same joint account.

43. When I was married, we both got an allowance and a separate family allowance.

    When the paycheck came in, we paid bills first, then put aside savings. Whatever was left got split 3 ways: her account, mine, and a shared family account.

44. I give my wife a monthly amount so she can buy whatever she needs no questions asked… makeup, clothes etc – I don’t need to know about what she chooses to do with this monthly “allowance”.

    She also has full access to the rest of our money to purchase groceries or anything else the family needs.

    Your husband needs to get with the program and start treating you as an equal. Plan a trip and leave him to look after the baby for a few days – maybe that will give him perspective on what you actually bring to the table.

45. SAHM here, also two boys. I used to work part time but now stay home full time and I am in charge of all of our finances. We make all decisions together but I am actually paying the bills and doing all money management, it’s a strong suit of mine and my husband doesn’t like to/want to deal with it and that’s ok with us. There are pretty much no limitations on me for spending. We try to split “allowances” to make it even but there really isn’t a hard line.
    We do run higher dollar amount things past each other but that’s more of a respect thing. In these cases, if I ask for something expensive he generally doesn’t say no unless we literally cannot afford to.
    I’m sorry you’re going through this… it shouldn’t be like that

46. I let my husband know when I’m making a purchase. He works, I’m home with the kids. He never gives me trouble or ever says no unless money is tight and he’s got some bills to pay. We do our best to budget but of course the kids need clothes and other things, and so do I. He never complains and it’s never crossed our minds to give me an allowance. That’s just weird. Same with my parents, my dad worked, my mom was home and there was no allowance, they were both involved with the finances, discussed big purchases and took care of those things together. Especially once my dad started his business, mom was always involved and knew what was going on. There’s no need ever to withhold money from a spouse. Especially a stay at home parent with the kids, that’s still *work* and should be treated as such. Not that you have to get paid, but there should be no qualms about normal day to day or even unexpected expenses so long as it’s nothing wildly out of budget or causing debt. Simple things for the kids and yourself shouldn’t have to be justified or even denied

47. I still work very, very part time so he doesn’t just outright give me money, (edit: when we have kids he will though bc i won’t be working) but he buys whatever I need without question. He has before said “Oh already? I feel like we just got ___,” so I explained to him how that makes me feel kinda guilty for asking for necessities “too frequently” and he understood and hasn’t said it again. It sounds like your husband *wants* you to feel guilty when he says this, and is trying to use it as justification to control your ability to buy things.

    Just a side note of makeup advice – IPSY, if you don’t know what that is its a monthly subscription box for makeup/skin products, and they have different tiers. I get one that has 5 full-size products every month for $25. The only makeup I have to buy in store now is foundation and an occasional beauty blender, its so worth it