I’m so sad and embarrassed how poor I am at conversation at 36 years old 😞

43 comments

1. I have anxiety and II don’t normally approach strangers, but I’ve lived with an extrovert for a while, and I’ve noticed she’ll just join a conversation; she doesn’t really care..

   And sometimes it works better than others, but that’s basically my approach. I’m pretty sure you’ll just have to do it to get more comfortable.

   I’ll talk about just about anything, but I like to joke around. I didn’t used to like small talk, but sometimes it’s good to get started.

   For me, it works better if I just don’t think about it too much. Yeah, I could embarrass myself, but it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes I don’t have a topic, but I’ll wait for one I’m interested in.

2. Practice makes perfect

3. I suggest you get screened for autism or adhd. Sometimes social skills don’t develop because of being excluded or fear from stigma from others. I’m not saying you have a spectrum disorder, but it never hurts to check.

4. Everytime I hear a funny comment someone makes I try to remember it and then I write it down later on my phone.

   I am neither quick witted nor innovative but I have collected a vast amount of qoutes and stories that I can bring up and talk about in conversations.

   I am still a bit shy but I am no longer anxious about conversations because I have so much material in my bagage to fall back upon, and they’re often not even my own stories/experiences but I can still tell them!

5. Two things:

   1) This is a skill that can be trained, so the more you practice, the better you’ll be at it.

   2) This is something a therapist or coach can really help you with. So if you feel like you’re not progressing enough on your own, getting some help would be probably be very fruitful.

   Good luck!

6. You’ll never get good at conversation as long as you believe there’s a way to somehow become “normal” and undo the decades of “bad” conversation & social skills you feel ashamed of.

   You can read all the how-to guides and conversation training you want (there’s a lot), but if it’s driven by shame it isn’t going to work.

   Step 1 is to accept that you can never, ever, be good at conversation before age 36. You’re not behind anyone else, you’re on a whole different track and all the stuff you wish would’ve been different will never be different. The ship sailed. You can’t be a normal 21 year old who is good at conversation. Too late.

   You can only get better going forward, as who you are right now, but changing for yourself.

   (P.s. I steal all my wisdom from Healthy Gamer)

7. We’re all different and such notions may apply in other facets of life, but please be (at least a little) assured that most folks can emotionally relate to these feelings— especially when you mention “I’ll never be an adult.”

   As previously mentioned: small, courageous steps and *practice*. If able, getting professional help is going to offer you solid methods for seeing progress. (Not to say you can’t just take progressively larger “small steps” on your own!)

   You’ve outed yourself- expressed dissatisfaction with the status quo; now you can do something about it. It doesn’t have to be enormous, but I bet it’ll feel enormous once you give it a shot.

   Also— you’ve got permission to fail as you go. That’s literally an accepted part of overall progress.

8. What’s helped me has been my volunteer and work experience. I’ve worked retail which made me more comfortable saying canned lines and answers to predictable questions with the general public. I’ve worked with children which helped losen me up, as that was the only way to get the kids to focus. I’ve volunteered with people in nursing homes, who were thankful to have the company. And now I teach classrooms of ESL adults, and I have no choice but to speak as if I’m outgoing in order to get the class to focus and learn.

   I recommend that you “put yourself out of your safe zone” in a structured way that doesn’t make socializing on its own the goal. I hope my examples above give you ideas.

9. >I just never seem to improve or grow as a human being (not just in terms of social skills, but everything in general).

   Familiar with the phrase, “If you give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”?

   Have you considered studying meta-learning aka learning how to learn? https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn

   Learning How To Learn mostly covers how to study a topic and learn it well, which is a lot to the topic of learning, but learning is a bit more broad than that. Learning starts with awareness. One reflects on something they want to improve. You’ve done this already in your comment, not just wanting to improve your social skills, but wanting to learn and grow overall as a human being. Then one researches how to learn that thing or one researches how to grow that skill.

   Asking others for help is one way to research, hoping others have researched for you, but it’s a bit of a crap shoot. Gaining research skills as a whole might help you, so you can figure out how to learn and grow without needing to ask others for help. Though it can’t hurt to ask others, eg Google it, first. Maybe make learning research skills a goal? Also consider taking the Learn How To Learn Class for all around accelerated learning and growth? Then you’ll have the prerequisite skills to teach yourself how to socialize better as well as improve anything else you want about yourself or your life.

10. Developing yourself is a road you must walk yourself. However, you can get help and advice from other people.

    What are your hobbies? What environment do you live in day-to-day? What challenges do you face in your life? All of these you can practice answers to, eitherwith yourself, or a friend, or parent, or family etc. Think about how to make those relatable. If none of those are relatable, you are either not speaking to the right people, or the things you are doing are very exclusionary or mundane. I think it’s difficult also, I am kind of introverted as well, but you can try the above and see how it goes.

    On the other side of the coin, when really listening, you should be aware of throwing jokes in or making it sound funny. The easiest for me is exaggeration in the opposite direction of where the conversation is going. This is hard to explain, it’s basically keeping things light and trying to lift other people. E.g. someone is struggling in their relationship with e.g. work colleagur – you can jokingly suggest couples therapy with hard pillows (depending on what is said). Sorry I can’t be more helpful!

11. I feel similarly. Even when I push myself to have more casual conversations, I walk away feeling bad about myself. Even sitting in my boss’s office having him tell me I’m doing a great job makes me feel awful. I feel like an idiot with nothing interesting to say. I’ve become even more reserved and withdrawn as I’ve gotten older. Even being around my siblings makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It just gets worse as time goes on.

12. Great post. Great recommendations. As others have mentioned you have to practice. I was going to start doing sort of a daily video diary for myself to rewatch, critique and just force myself to talk. Too lazy to go through with it, though.

13. Time to sign up for Toastmasters.

14. I don’t want you to get a drinking habbit but I’d suggest you become a regular somewhere you can meet and talk to people. And alcohol can help but it is a dangerous crutch.

    Also if you can do some Improv at you pace and in a welcoming environment that could help you loads.

    Volunteer to do something where you have to speak to people. Like at a concert taking the tickets or giving informations to people.

    You are capable you just need to see it for yourself.

15. I used to be the same way you were, where having a conversation was absolute torture. I almost never talked.

    However, being social is a skill like anything else and can be learned as such. What I used to improve was I first examined people who were really good at conversation, figured out what exactly made them successful, and tried to emulate it. Additionally, I did a lot of research. For beginners, the YouTube channel Charisma On Command is fantastic. It will teach you the basics.

    For more advanced work, (as weird as it sounds) learning “pickup” or “game” strategies was really really helpful. So much good dating advice can be adapted slightly to everyday conversations, like framing a conversation, learning to handle failure and rejection, and how shift a conversation and keep one going. I recommend *Models* by Mark Manson and ToddV on YouTube.

    As supplemental work to improve my wittiness and quick thinking, I subscribed to r/tinderpickuplines and would try to think of what I would say in those situations. If that seems like a big challenge at this point, start with r/pickuplines to learn how to be witty, funny, etc.

    If you have any questions, let me know!

16. Hi! Friendly local extrovert here. I know you didn’t ask for advice, but in case you wanted some tips here are the two biggest things I’ve learned about being a breezy social conversationalist:

    1- people love talking about themselves. Ask questions! Ask for advice! You can walk up to someone and say ‘hey, how is your day?’ or ‘I love your shoes, where did you get them?’ To get things going.

    2- people aren’t thinking about you as much as you do. You can make an absolute FOOL of yourself and likely no one will remember in 24 hours. If you say something awkward or didn’t click with the person, who cares? On the flip side, don’t be afraid to tell an endearing embarrassing story – some humor and humility go a long way. Just be your lovely self 🙂

17. This sounds familiar! 🤔

    If you have time watch this School of Life video: https://youtu.be/8gtSNjnjPOk

    What was your childhood like? Did you happen to have adults in your life that were overly critical?

18. I’m like this – massive social anxiety – and I tried a few things to help me. I became someone who listens rather than talks. I use *active listening* and am **genuinely** interested in what people say.

    It doesn’t work if you fake it, people can somehow tell.

    I do wish folks were interested in what I have to say – maybe in the next life eh. As it is, they like me because they see me as someone who cares, shows warmth and empathy.

19. My two cents: maybe looking into a hobby/skill development could help.

    A bartending “school” can be a worthwhile investment of a couple $100s and you get to learn a new skill, maybe make some money on the side after, as well as practice with other peeps on how to have bar talk lol.

20. What I learned to do, and this is probably bad advice, is that if I practice when ive had something to drink, I can get more practice. My brother told me to have two shots before a date. It does work, BUT I have a terrible problem with alcohol. Been sober three years.

    Still, I got the practice in while drinking. Also, when you accept that you are just going to say some dumb, silly ass, goofy shit you level up in charisma. Make fun of how goofy you are if it feels awkward. “Wait… Was that dumb?”

    Another thing, predict. People are predictable. You can guess what someone might say like 75% of the time. Come up with some good canned responses, practice in your head, practice with friends. You’re going to feel silly, but that’s good practice, too.

    Finally, just say it. You’re going to sound silly. Play off of that. All my friends think I’m unnaturally charismatic but they also see me as a very odd, introverted, almost… Childlike or naive person. You have to accept yourself to play your gifts best.

    One more thing, specifically. Try to get people to teach you something. They get to talk, you listen, and it breaks the ice very well. They see you as a student for a moment and that bypasses a lot of defenses for a bunch of reasons.

21. Me in 20 years:

22. I know exactly where you’re at. I’m 27 years old and have been trying to achieve what you’re striving for. Realise that as an adult, you have the ability to study and learn these skills. I’m making slow an steady progress, and i believe that if you truly want to change, you need to start studying, just like when you were in school.

    There are a multitude of books that speak to all the problems you seem to have with yourself. Your low, mumbly, unconfident voice, your awkwardness, your shyness, your anxiety. Your overall social skills. If you truly want to change, it takes a little effort on your part, but you can do it! I’m slowly clawing my way to where i want to be. aaaa :3

23. It’s all about practice. Keep trying

24. Just accept yourself as who you are. You can improve at anything you want but you also have to accept who you are at a base level. So what if you are shy and anxious just find other shy and anxious people to talk with lol. It’s easy to feel like no one else has insecurities but everyone does.

25. Reading can also help you. Read whatever you can. Books, newspapers. They let you peak into someone’s mind. Knowing how others think about the world will help you form your own perspective. And you will be confident too. On some matter you will have few pieces of knowledge to impart.

26. Damn, I feel you. I think about myself the same way, but not for talking or conversation. Just for life in general. I’m just 19 though and nothing like my friends or peers. I’m self-proclaiming myself as good at talking and conversation, but my mental and how I live my life is just so childish/child-like compared to my friends or other people I know who all have girlfriends and party every other weekend. Go to huge music festivals. AKA do all these adulting things while I just live what I feel is like a loser life in my dorm or a loser life at my parents’ house while on break. I wonder when I’ll grow up to be an adult, and start thinking/moving like an adult. When my parents will start treating me like an adult, when I can go out in the real world and feel like an adult. When I’ll get more mature interests in life than just sports. I’m literally exactly the same in my brain as I was when I was 14 years old, but the only difference is that I’m more experienced, and that I now see myself as an adult. I thought all my issues would magically fix themselves when I grew up, but so far very little changed. I’m just riding along and soon I’ll be 27 trying to find someone to marry. I wonder how much I’ll change by then. The worst part about it is that I’m presentable and in my eyes physically attractive. People come up to me with hope because I look like someone they would want to get to know better. Then they talk to me and see that even though I look and talk well, up in my brain there is nothing of interest to them, I’m not unique/mature/cool enough, and they just migrate away to others. That’s why I have a hundred acquaintances and barely 1 true friend. 100 people to ask me why I’m by myself and not with other people but zero people actually inviting me anywhere or being my friend. And as an extrovert that is the worst part.

27. I was once terrible at conversation. Two things changed that. I realized that most people prefer to talk about themselves, so my challenge was to find something that they liked and were knowledgeable about, and ask them about it. The second thing was learning to actually listen to them, rather than just waiting to say something yourself.

28. You may consider joining toast masters.

29. Relax dude you have time to improve, you just have to continue to work on it.

30. Go talk to strangers, it can be weird to approach someone random but it’s great for learning to communicate effectively.

    Here is why:
    1. They don’t know anything about you, you are just some guy to them, with no knowledge about your social anxiety.

    2. If it goes poorly, who cares you don’t know that person. Just move on and keep learning.

    3. You have to initiate, most people don’t just get into conversations with random people. Set yourself apart.

    Starting these conversations is easy if you are talking about something relevant. For example, “excuse me what time is it?”, “is it always this crowded here?”, “excuse me do you know of anywhere good to eat around here?”.

    All of those are reasons to be talking to someone, there is a need or relevance to the conversation. After that you can either move on or continue to chat depending if they seem nice or not. Moving into a conversation is just a matter of follow up. You can end it right away or you can compliment them, ask more questions, make a joke, basically whatever feels right. Don’t force it just let your brain do it’s thing.

31. I don’t think you should fret. If someone can’t have a conversation with you and they aren’t at least willing to acknowledge that you’re putting in effort then leave

32. I am regularly referred to as socially competent. There are different types of roles people can play in a social setting. You don’t have to be the larger than life story teller who is witty and sharp. That’s a hard trait to teach at any age, no matter what anyone says.

    But you can be the awesome quirky dude. The dude who can admit he is shy. Admit he is awkward. But still be part of the crew. Still be invited to parties. “Nick? Yeah. Dudes super shy but he’s really nice once you get to know him”.

    Me talking to someone at a party who tries to be gregarious by reciting a speech on how to he social will always be less interesting than a dude saying “hello. I’m awkward at parties. Wanna take shots?”

33. I’ve been listening to a lot of comedian podcasts while I work. I think that has helped me a lot with holding conversation.

34. Hit me up dude, I can gab all day😘

35. I just posted this comment on another post but I think it would help you too:

    I learned this a while ago. When you feel nervous about talking to people, realize that you don’t have to really talk much at all.

    Instead, ask questions. Ask them about what interests them, or their work, or their kids, or what they like to eat, or how they met so-and-so, or what kind of car they drive, or their house, or their pets, or their hobbies…you get the idea. LET THEM DO THE TALKING. Reply politely, laugh, nod, whatever, and listen. Then ask another question (a second question about the first subject or something similar or something else).

    The point is, you don’t have to be interesting or cool. Just get others to talk. Ask questions. People love talking about themselves and will like you for just listening.

36. I know this isn’t really what you asked for but if you want to just message to maybe get over some of your fears I’m up for it 🙂

37. Find a Toastmasters group near you. Generally they try to teach public speaking in a supportive and non judgmental way.

38. What books or videos have you read to have hold better conversations?

39. Have you gotten a high-functioning autism diagnosis before? I say this because my experiences have been the same and I think that this is the likely case.

40. People love talking about themselves. Just ask questions and everyone will love you.

41. Get a voice coach if you want to stop mumbling and get therapy if you want to be comfortable in your own skin. Not everyone needs to be charismatic. Learn to accept that your strengths are listening and thinking carefully before speaking (or work on those or similar).

42. Go easy on yourself. If you’re taking action to improve then you’re winning. Giving yourself some kudos cos you’re out there actually doing what you need to do, will optimise the process.

    You’re a boss and a king for getting after that self improvement gains. When you’ve got a beautiful wife off the back of it, it’ll all have been worth it!

43. This is going to be me. Going through the same thing. It never ends lol