This is a throwaway, I know I will be called petty, jealous and all sorts but I don’t care because I know I’m not. I just think it is weird to attend an ex wedding.
My ex-husband is getting married in May. I’m actually happy for him but I was surprised when he insisted that I attended the wedding, and the reason he gave me is that he wants our two children 3&5 at the wedding and who would take care of them. I asked why not one of his sisters or my ex-MIL can watch them, he was silent for a while and then said no. They would be too busy and he didnt trust them to watch the children the whole day. I said I will think about it and actually I was never gonna think about it. my answer is no.
Next day I called my babysitter who I’ve known since my oldest was born and explained everything to her. She agreed and was actually excited so I called my ex to tell him the news. He was very angry and started saying that I’m being difficult. He doesn’t want the babysitter there. I’m selfish for trying to ruin his happy day that he wanted to share with his babies. I told him that I was gonna pay for the babysitter but he got even more upset and asked why I couldn’t just do this for him.
His fiancee texted me that I was being petty and jealous and trying to ruin their day. I didn’t answer her because I don’t care if she thinks I’m jealous or not. Some other people, including my ex-MIL called and said that it was a good thing that he (ex) only trusted me with our children because he is a good dad. What am I missing here?
I texted my ex that I didn’t giva a f\*ck about his wedding being ruined or not. I’m not attending. Now I’m being called a jealous AH. I don’t what to do. I don’t want to ruin his day but I just don’t want to attend his wedding but I also need to think about our coparenting. It has finally started working and I don’t want to to tae a turn to the worse.
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Edit: Wow, didn’t expect people to care, thanks for all the good advice, I am contemplating the suggestion to simply call in sick the day before or tell him that I’m going to attend with a plus one (the invitation actually said +1, but everyone knows that I’m single).
34 comments
He needs to get over it. Go along with the baby sitter plans. Who cares what he calls you. He’s being a groomszilla. He is an ex for a reason. If he wants his kids there he can plan for it without your help.
You’re not being an AH, a lot of people don’t want to attend their exes wedding and that’s fine.
You tried to come up with solutions and he’s the one being difficult so if his day is ruined then it’s his fault
The fact that you’re even offering to pay is better than what most would do. He expects you to give up a day for him? Why would you want to attend his wedding anyways? He should be paying for a sitter or finding someone to watch them if he wants the kids there that bad.
The babysitter is a fantastic compromise and being willing to pay for it is more generous than necessary. Honestly if I were the one marrying him or even his friend, I’d be more disturbed that he seems quite insistent at making excuses to force you – of all people – to attend. Something that should feel awkward and avoidable for you both. So clearly he’s not over you or is somehow fixating on a need for petty revenge. Stuck to your plan
Are these people sane??!!! Who would want to
Go and watch their ex getting married. Even if you split in good terms?!?!? Girl, stick to your guns, you made it work, you’re not not letting your children attend. Let them say whatever they want. Block the rest of the clan. They can go kick rocks all of them.
Don’t go to his wedding. Don’t pay for a sitter. Don’t let him control the narrative. You aren’t just a side character in his life story. You have your own story, and his new life with his former mistress isn’t a part of your next chapter.
He’s a selfish creep who thinks he can push you around.
Your ex is nuts. You are not being the least bit petty.
He’s being incredibly manipulative, and you absolutely do not have to go to his wedding. If he’s incapable of figuring out a sitter or a chaperone for the day, that’s his problem.
No is a complete sentence. Don’t entertain another damn conversation about it. If he needs childcare on his time at his wedding he should call someone who cares. You have no duty or obligation to do shit for this man. Tell him to talk to his soon to be wife about how they should handle their wedding and leave you alone. Seriously. Don’t continue to argue. If he brings it up again ignore it. Remind him you’re not going. The end. Block the fiancées number and don’t communicate with her. They have serious boundary issues and you need to take a stand. A hard stand.
Dear coparent,
As we’ve already discussed, I will not be attending your wedding. If this is brought up to me again I will not be responding. Based on the reaction to my very reasonable answer, I’m also blocking your fiancé as there is simply no reason for us to communicate. Please make her aware that I no longer wish to communicate directly and any further attempts will be considered harassment.
The end.
You suggested a solution that was all in the family, ie your ex mother-in-law or sister-in-law. Then you provided an excellent solution: a babysitter your kids know and trust, paid for by you. These are both extremely practical and sensible options.
I wouldn’t want to go either, and I would resent my ex trying to force me to be there. You’re not being even remotely petty.
If this is really about the children and not about your ex rubbing your nose in his new relationship, then either of your solutions allows the children to be there and participate fully.
That is not a thing and it’s incredulous that he’s putting it back on you. I would ABSOLUTELY NOT go and the fact he’s throwing a hissy about it makes me think you made the right decision to divorce him in the first place. And I’d also seek some counseling for yourself. You honestly should not be this torn about what to do here. You need to stand up for yourself and prioritize yourself instead of him or your children in this instance. If he wants the kids there (and he should) then he can figure out who and how to care for them that day.
At this point, you withdraw your offer to pay your babysitter, and tell him it’s his party and he can cry if he wants to.
You tell him if he wants the kids at his wedding, it’s on him to make ALL the arrangements.
Be explicit what “ALL the arrangements” means.
It means he arranges for the children to picked up and brought back. It means he arranges for a child-minder, or possibly two, who can put the children in dress-up clothes and keep them clean and quiet during the ceremony, and fed and entertained during the reception. It means he hires someone who knows how to wrangle two excited and/or cranky kids when one of them is crying and the other has to go potty.
He only wanted you to come because he didnt want to pay for that.
He only wanted the kids there because he finally realized some people would wonder why they weren’t there for daddy’s special day.
If he gives up on having the kids there, I wonder if he’ll be clueless enough to say, “My selfish ex-wife refused to come to my wedding and babysit them, that’s why they aren’t here!”
Let him figure it out.
Wow, his new woman sounds like a cracker 😳😳 if you don’t want to go, don’t go OP. He has zero right putting that much pressure on you. Why is he so desperate for you to attend? My guess is, he wants to see you jealous. Stick to your guns and tell him no. Why would you want to go when his wife to be sounds like a right cow.
He wants to rub his future wedding in your face that’s why.
Tell him the children either attend with the babysitter or be looked after by his own family or not attend because you’re not playing babysitter for the day. He has a choice. Screen shot the text and keep it for future reference if he tries to badmouth you or goes to court saying you’re denying him access
Wouldn’t you being actually jealous mean you’d insist on being there? His logic is… interesting.
I’d rescind the babysitter offer, tbh, and tell him to sort it out. If his family can’t step up and help or he can’t sort out childcare LIKE A PARENT then that’s on him. You were super reasonable and had zero objection to the CHILDREN attending. That does not include you.
You ex wants you there to get a reaction out of you.
DON’T GO. Stick to your plan and let the babysitter go with the kiddos instead.
Tell your ex:”it’s weird to attend an exes wedding”
He only wants you there so he can say, “See, she’s fine with me cheating on her and marrying my AP”. It’s some sort of validation that things worked out and people shouldn’t feel the need to give him the side eye for how his relationship with his new wife began. He’s delusional. Absolutely don’t go to this wedding. Limit your contact with them as well to a parenting app or something like that. Block his fiancée phone number.
Do you think he’d do this for you? This is bizarre.
Also 1000% chance they will not make the wedding pleasant for you. His family will be ordering your around to do stuff, making comments comparing you to the new fiancée, let you have it if you object in the slightest.
I think one last ditch effort is to just calmly tell people it is incredibly shortsighted of all of them to think your presence won’t make it awkward for everyone. There are TV shows about exes attending weddings just because of how hilariously awkward it is.
Your idea sounds great. He wants you there as a glorified babysitter so why not have a qualified, paid to be there babysitter handle it?
It’s weird to have an ex spouse at the wedding. What are the vows going to be? “Til death do us part, but for real this time, sorry Marcie”.?
They need to get over themselves.
He is marrying his AP? Oh hell no, the kids can run around and ruin their special day. Screw that. I’d tell his whole family to f off.
After refusing the babysitter solution he’s the one being extremely unreasonable here. Like you even offered to pay for it and he’s still mad??? Total red flags there. Just ask him why it has to be specifically you there because it’s starting to seem like he just wants you there for the sake of it.
Thus has nothing to do with him wanting the children there and everything to do with rubbing his marriage in your face. You presented very viable solutions, MIL obviously since she’s grandmom is a great choice but when that was turned down, you were more than hospitable and found and offered to pay for a sitter to attend with the children.
The fact that he turned all offers down proves to me that it’s not about being with his kids even a little bit.
It’s not about the kids, he wants YOU there so you can be forced to watch him get married. He’s being a vindictive garbage can. Don’t go and don’t cave into his nonsense.
This feels like something personal to me, it sounds all about YOU being there. YOU being humiliated. YOU being there to watch his happy ending and new life. I think the babysitter is a great compromise – but he wants you being embarrassed/jealous as the icing on his wedding cake.
ETA: Just saw that he cheated on OP with his fiance, wild how entitled he is to want to embarrass you there. I’d send a congratulations card with something like: “If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you,”
You don’t owe this entitled man SHIT. Don’t let him or his people bully you into this. There’s no reason why your longstanding babysitter cannot sub in as caretaker. You also shouldn’t be the one to pay for it, but if that’s your wedding present to him, that’s very kind of you.
He’s being shady and controlling. Better his new wife than you. Congrats on your emancipation from this nonsense – you don’t have to listen to him anymore. He will have to get over it and continue coparenting. You’re doing all the right things. Stand your ground!
I’m stunned that any ex would ask an ex to their wedding, no matter how amicable the split was. Kids or no kids at any age, this is bizarre. You aren’t ruining anything. They are batshit crazy.
NTA he’s framing this as he wants the kids there but if that were true he would have accepted the babysitter. For some reason he wants YOU there. Don’t go.
He’s doing this because he’s embarrassed he had an affair and left two small children. As he should be. In having you there he’s hoping to show people that you are fine with it. Very manipulative, follow you’re instinct and don’t fall for his games.
You are so kind.
If my spouse cheated on me I would likely want to ruin his wedding day.
Stand your ground, and make him pay for his special day. You don’t owe him a single thing.
The *only* person ruining his day is *him*.
Honey, book yourself a vacation on that day. Enjoy your freedom.
You don’t deserve to be treated this way. It is *weird* that he’s insisting on your attendance.
I’d ask his new wife to be why she thinks he wants you there so much?
Ask her “Does he still love and want me”? I guarantee you that invitation will be rescinded tout suite.
why the heck would anyone expect their ex to attend their wedding?
Related – what bride would expect their groom’s ex to attend their wedding?
Who the heck thinks this is normal?
Attend the wedding
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# in the wedding dress from your wedding
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^(hehehehehehehehe)
RSVP to go if u need to, and then come down with food poisoning or a cold on the day.