I posted earlier but received no advice so I’ll be more detailed this time around. As Above said she met him on a game and they played for a while then got off and she crawled into bed with me with him on the phone. Everything was good we were all joking around and then he starts saying “your bf sounds like a sub” and im like whatever and said a joke to respond to it and he says “thats what a sub would say” and did this again later he then asks her ” does my voice sound soothing?” And I give her a look like that was weird.
He proceeded to tell her not once, not twice, but three different times that she can fall asleep to the sound of his voice and she told him twice that he needed to go to bed (he’d been up for 2 days because he just got out of a toxic relationship is what my fiance says) but his response Everytime was “I’m not going to bed until you do” and then she started to fall asleep with him on the phone.
At this point I lost my cool and gave her a face that says I’m upset and kinda huffed really loudly and she let him go and asked what’s up and I told her I was uncomfortable with what just happened and she said that he was just a friend going through a rough time and got upset and said she felt like i don’t trust her and her other online friends and that i interrupt her gaming sessions unless its with her gay friend( i don’t even know who she is on discord with usually).
Then told me she wanted to go to to bed and I told her that if she wanted to question my trust in her and go to bed she could sleep on the couch (I didn’t follow through with that) but where we are at now is she still thinks it was a friendly interaction with a friend that needs help, I think it was a creep hitting on my fiance.
40 comments
Thats super creepy. She’s in denial.
Wondering if he’s really 20. Going from “I just got broken up with” to “Isn’t my voice soothing, fall asleep on the phone with me, also your bf is a sub” sounds like he’s older than 20 and using video games to prey on young women by throwing up a sob story.
Your girlfriend is not good people.
This is either someone so naive that they’ll “accidentally” cheat on you eventually, or so trashy that they’ll literally do it right under your nose.
Both scenarios aren’t good.
This is not a good partner.
What advice are you looking for?
Her new friend knew what he was doing. Drive a wedge and they will talk about you when your not around to hear it. Its standard practice.
You need to address this or put a hold on your pending wedding until she agrees to deal with this
He openly humiliated you and your clueless girlfriend went along with it. He was attempting to c$ckold you. He won’t stop now and by kicking your girlfriend out you have her time to continue the convo with him. Unless you can convince your girl to stop all communication with him, he will continue to demean you verbally to her. Time to grow a backbone and tell its you or the game with the guy. If she says she isn’t going to stop playing the game with him, then break up and ghost her. You’ll
Know she thinks you are weak, so prove her wrong. If you have the spine for it. Otherwise get used to the humiliation and emasculation
You’re 24, best bet is you make it to 76, can you afford to waste another of your ~42 years on this earth on this chick?
Put your timbs on and kick her ass to the curb, she’ll be right at home.
that is why you dont get married with a 21 yo
Her taste is men is awful. She seems to enjoy getting attention from creeps. That’s kinda sad.
Massive red flags fam, the amount of disrespect and the rando bullying you right off the start. He is not a friend, he will try to bang your SO and if it isn’t him, someone else will try based off of how your SO treats you, which was very poorly in that scenario and she is gaslighting you fam. You deserve better.
So she is ok with her “friend” insulting you calling you a “sub” (not saying their is anything wrong if you are) basically saying your less of a man then him? If he makes a comment like it again maybe say something along the lines of atleast my gf didnt leave me or some shit to irrate him back. This “friend” is actively trying to put a big wedge between you and your gf and he is succeeding because she is more invested in his bullshit then your relationship. If she actually gave a fuck about you she would be shutting him down and telling him to cut the shit but she isnt because she loves the attention she get from him and loves that it tortures you at the same time, she is playing high school drama bullshit instead of standing up for you and your relationship. She will end up cheating on you if this friend stays around, can almost promise it, then she will blame you for whatever reason and turn this on you and beg for a second chance when its her fault. Time to tell her that the friend goes or you do because your to young for her bullshit for the rest of your life man.
Your girlfriend is either blissfully naive, or she thinks that you are a moron. I hope it’s the former.
That was all beyond inappropriate — of him for saying it, and of her for not shutting it down. The things he was saying were absolutely putting the moves on her (and disrespecting you and your relationship with her to seal the deal), and her falling asleep with him on the line is totally girlfriend behavior. She’s either stupidly naive, or she thinks you’re a doormat. Neither makes her wife material.
Tell her that her “sub boyfriend” is now her “ex boyfriend,” and that asshole can fall asleep with her all she wants, because she’s now single. The engagement is now off, and if she wants to correct that she gets to start over with you by demonstrating love, honor, and respect.
Maybe “Hey asshole, your creepy behavior just cost me my engagement” will wake her up.
Just want to make sure you’re hearing it over and over again. But this is super concerning. She should have defended you when he started demeaning you in front of her. That feels like he’s testing the waters of your relationship. She’s probably already told him all about how the wedding was postponed and your issues with alcohol (Good on you BTW for recognizing you had a problem and letting yourself get better, I wish you so much luck). Now she’s gonna tell him how you got weird about the phone call, and suddenly you’re the crazy manipulative BOYFRIEND. It does create trust issues because she’s naive enough to be going along with this obviously creepy behavior like she likes it. Talk to her OP. Or maybe consider that she’s too young for marriage.
That’s not just a “friendly interaction,” that’s how people in a relationship act. She is 100% wrong and has no business being on the phone that way with that guy. She should have set clear boundaries, but it seems like she enjoys the attention.
That’s pretty inappropriate. You aren’t unreasonable and it sounds like she just likes the attention and leading people on or playing with them, including you. Ask her why she let’s her friends mock you to your face? Why didn’t she stand up for you? Would she want you falling asleep talking to another woman while in bed with her. If she says it wouldn’t bother her, try it out.
You’re better then me dude. I would have grabbed that phone, hung it up, and chucked it across the room, because how dare she let him just talk like that about you, and legit flirt over the phone in front of you. I can only imagine what else she lets men get away with saying to her.
My brother, either she’s more naive then a child and shouldn’t be in any relationship or she’s perfectly fine crossing a million boundaries and perfectly fine with some random mf openly disrespecting her fiancé.
Either way, it won’t be long until you’re posting about her cheating on you with you questioning how you never saw it coming.
Get your ring back and move on.
Your relationship is a ticking time bomb and if this doesn’t blow it up, something else will. I know you’re not ready to hear of believe that but if you’re at the point where dumb shit like this is happening it’s already over and you just don’t know it yet. At some point she is going to find someone else and leave you for them, she’s already subconsciously or consciously looking. Then you’re going to have a melt down and do something desperate to try and hang onto her like say you’re going to start drinking again and being all depressed. That won’t work but she’ll give you a little attention out of guilt, which will keep you spiraling further down that rabbit hole and hanging onto hope that won’t happen. Eventually she’ll be completely gone from your life and you’ll be forced to move on. You can take charge of your own life now and move on, on your own terms (which I know you’re not capable of doing right now) or this is going to blow up in your face. I feel for you man, I know you can’t leave her no matter what anyone on here says and eventually this girl is going to leave you and put you through hell one way or the other.
I know you want some kinda advice that makes everything okay between you and her and gets her to stop doing this type of stuff but that doesn’t exist and isn’t going to happen. She’s doing this because she’s looking for an escape and an out. She’s going to keep doing things like this to start arguments and try to paint you as the bad guy so that she can justify leaving you and eventually when the opportunity arises where she has someone else to go to that’s exactly what she’s going to do. I know you think you’re going to figure out how to fix it but you can’t. She’s done but she’s either too scared to admit that, feels too guilty to admit that, or doesn’t have the right options to leave yet. It’s a ticking time bomb you can’t diffuse. I know you’re going to try and I know how it’s going to end and I’m sorry.
Congrats on getting back on the wagon. It can be a bumpy beast. That said, gotta agree with everyone else here. Even if she wouldn’t cheat, this dude is a poison pill. Let me get out my ol’ man cane for this. Back in the days of the fancy viddia game “World of slightly-not-really-War Craft”, this happened to an IRL friend of mine in game. Guild ‘friend’ played the sad loser that everyone hates. Poison pilled this dude’s wife (who was also in the guild) with the “You’re so good to me, how can he not spend all this time with you?!”, “You’re awesome. If I had you, I’d never take you for granted like he does…”, next thing you know, they’re sexting, he finds out, divorce turns ugly… if she entertains poison pills, trust or not. Bad mojo-jojo.
You don’t need to question anything. The truth is that this guy was openly disrespecting you and she had no problems with it. Meaning she doesn’t fully have your back and doesn’t respect you. That alone should be a dealbreaker.
What do you mean that your gf and her mom live in your house?
100% a creep who is hitting on your girlfriend.
Now is she either incredibly naive, a people pleaser, or intentionally complicit…. Not sure
Yicks! What a creep. It’s strange your gf would allow some guy to disrespect you. Then go on to entertain his creepy behaviors. My guess would be he was the toxic one in his relationship but tells everyone she was toxic.
Duuuuude. Before I get into this, I want to say that I’m proud as fuck of you for quitting drinking. I quit a heroin/opiates addiction after 25 years so I know all about addiction. You’re fucking awesome for getting back into recovery. You can do this. Just keep doing the things that got you sober and always be grateful for your life without booze.
That being said, I want you to seriously listen to me. This woman is bad news. I have 54 years of life experience and I’m not talking out of my ass. This woman does not respect you. You said she hasn’t said she loves you since you got sober. That is a huge red flag. She got into bed with you talking to this asshole and allowed him to insult you and talk trash to you but claims you’re lack of trust is the issue? Fuck no. That is bullshit. She will cheat on you. Seriously, it’s not a question of if, only a question of when. I know you don’t want to hear this because you love her and you’re trying to make it work, but this will not end well.
I want you think about the lack of respect and love it takes for a woman to allow a man across the country that she just met to insult and degrade the man she supposedly loves. Then she tries to gaslight you and say that you were the one who is being jealous and unreasonable? Can you not see where this is leading? I had a very similar experience with my wife so I’m speaking from experience. The lack of respect tells you everything you need to know.
The truth is that girl is going to break your heart no matter what you do. I’m sorry but that’s the brutal truth. Anyone who has a fundamental lack of respect for you like this is not going to stay faithful to you. The question is, do you want your heart broken on your terms or do you want your heart broken or her terms? If you do it on your terms, you get to decide how this happens instead of her. I think you’re better off to rip the Band-Aid off and deal with this promptly instead of spending a long time in a relationship where you’re constantly questioning yourself. Let me tell you from experience, that long time in a relationship like that will fuck you up for years, if not for life.
OP, I wish you luck, and I want you to remember this. When this heartache happens, drinking is only going to make your life worse you’re going to wake up hung over and you’re still going to have all the problems you had the day before. I suggest that you start hitting some 12 step meetings, get a good sponsor, and start working on yourself.
Drop this bitch. If you were talking to an online girl “friend” who started bad-mouthing your fiance, you know what the right thing to do would be. This girl gives 0 fucks about your feelings and is waiting for something “better” to move onto. You’re worth so much more than that.
Bro, your lady let some rando insult you multiple times while he flirted with her. I don’t care what someone has got going on in their life, there ain’t no way I’m letting someone insult my SO in front of me like that. If she can’t shut that shit down immediately and tells YOU to back off because “reasons” then kick her ass to the curb. You don’t let that shit slide when they are talking about someone you care about period. Show her ass these comments too. Maybe she’ll have a new perspective, but my guess is that she likes the attention and is planning on leaving you or is trying to drive you to leave her.
That is clearly a huge cross in boundaries. You were uncomfortable and that guy was making obvious moves on your girl. And clearly insulting you. She knew it too.
I only talk to other gaming guys while online playing a game with them. If they message me on discord about something then cool but I don’t make it personal. It stays about games. My husband hears all the online stuff as we are playing the same game and the discord stuff he knows about and could look at if he wanted. I told him about it the one time a guy messaged me talking about games. And then messages on oculus he has access to as well as he has complete access (and permission) to my profile. I don’t call them on the phone. They don’t have my number. They ask and I say no I’m a married woman and that’s that.
Why did she give him her number in the first place?
Unfortunately, your fiance is looking for validation outside of your relationship. Someone who is completely involved with their current relationship won’t do this, and I’m speaking from experience. I’m sorry to say that there’s likely no saving your relationship. And she obviously doesn’t care about you enough about you l to even hide what she’s doing. If I were you, I’d completely call off your wedding all together and break up with her.
From other comments, it looks like she hasn’t even told you she loves you for quite some time now, which should tell you about how she’s feeling. She’s telling you how she feels already and she’s completely checked out.
Sounds like she is emotionally cheating. Also, the fact she didn’t defend you from this dude is a major red flag. She didn’t have your back. If someone is bad mouthing my partner I would drop them immediately as a friend. She didn’t do that. She wants the attention. It’s time for the end of the relationship.
Sounds like she likes the attention. Also sounds like she doesn’t respect you. A good, faithful gf well first off, if she was getting into bed idt she’d stay on the phone that long, second she’d absolutely not put up with a dude calling her man a sub. The dude was disrespectful af and she allowed it so she was disrespectful by association. Fuck that shit, that’s enough of a red flag for me to be out. I think she knows exactly what she was doing. The whole not going to bed until you do thing was light flirting. Never in my life have I had a girl falling asleep on the phone with me unless we were flirting, intimately involved or planning on getting intimate. You need to have a serious talk with her, set your boundaries and tell her you aren’t gonna put up with this kind of treatment and if she disagrees/doesn’t see a problem/doesn’t respect your boundaries, she can kick rocks.
Why are you engaged to this person? Like wtf
Of course he’s gonna try for your fiancé. And she’s either really dense or she is pretending to be because she knows exactly what’s happening but she likes the attention.
Calling you a sub was him emasculating you right in front of her. This guy is playing her and made you out to be an absolute fool and she’s fine with that. Are you fine with that? I’m sorry but dude you got deep troubles and I don’t know how you’re going to correct that.
I would never let another woman talk to me that way. Would have blocked her the minute she insulted my wife. My wife would do the same thing for me. Your fiance isn’t prioritizing your relationship.
This is an opinion, coming from someone in their 60’s who got married too young (19). If she still needs to have gaming sessions, maybe she’s not ready for something as serious as being engaged/getting married. Others have touched on the other factors of this situation so I won’t repeat. I wish you the best.
On one hand she actually could be this stupid and think nothing of it
As someone who once was this stupid yes it can be the case
On the other hand she may just be trying to get you to shut up about it and here’s the thing on either foot don’t you can tell her “I trust you, but I know what his intentions are and he makes them very obvious. You may not recognize this but if a girl said these things to me how would you feel or if I said these things to another women?” That may put it in perspective even if she is genuinely this stupid which is slim chance possible do NOT shut up about it because he will eventually slip or she will eventually understand. I’m not talking being snarky or an asshole about it but keep bringing it up when he says things or when similar scenarios pop up, downright tell her this friend makes you uncomfortable because you know what a guy lying in wait looks like and it’s exactly like him.
Jesus Christ! …..at one point do you not hang this guy up?
Wtf did I just read, ??? Omg
If your girlfriend respected you she wouldn’t behave like that.
She’s only 21 and extremely immature.
You don’t have a backbone, also. Get some self-respect and leave this woman who is clowning you talking to another guy IN YOUR BED.