Recently our friend got pregnant and is having a shotgun wedding. My friend confided that she wanted to abort the baby and I told her, “No, it’s too dangerous here since it’s illegal.” I live in a third world christian country, where abortion and divorce is not legal.
My boyfriend told me she can get some from illegal ways. Like doctor quacks in the countryside. “When there is a will there is a way” he said. He said it as a joke and I got really mad. I told him he doesn’t know how dangerous abortion is if not done by a professional. The mother can die.
Then he went to joke AGAIN that she can accidentally fall the stairs and have a miscarriage like the movie we watched. I was really mad and told him we should break up because he is a psycho and ignorant how abortion works. He then went silent and started researching realizing I am dead serious. Thing is it’s not the first time he joked like this. When I had a pregnancy scare, he said the same things thinking it’s so easy.
Like why do men? You think it’s so easy, I hope your butt get scraped off with no anesthesia. Stop putting your dick in if you don’t know the consequences.
My boyfriend is calling and sent a longass apology text. For reals I don’t know what to do. Should I forgive him? We’ve been together for 5 years now.
18 comments
Do you trust him? I wouldn’t.
Date someone who isn’t a blatant dunce.
Having a baby in a country where abortion and divorce are illegal- that also comes with risk because often women die in child birth, become disabled, incontinent, and the baby can often die too. Yes, women die and become injured from illegal abortions, but also from continuing their pregnancies (wanted or not). Your friend assessed her limited options, and chose her risk.
It doesn’t sound like you broke up with him because of your differing views on abortion- it sounds like you broke up with him for minimizing your concerns/fear/sadness, making jokes on an issue that you find inappropriate to joke about (jokes by definition should be funny), and that he professed to be knowledgeable and have a solution that he felt soooo confident about but he was actually willfully ignorant based on a movie he saw one time, and came across as unempathetic, and willing to put you through a risky situation because of his willful ignorance.
Your assessment of his attitude seems to be that dating him poses a risk to *your* life and well being, and that seems a fair assessment. Just like your friend had only high risk options available and chose her risk- you have to make your own risk assessment on this situation for your well being. I certainly wouldn’t have sexual relations before married based on his views unless he (unlikely) has educated himself and feels compelled to shut up about issues that don’t affect him/he doesn’t understand/improved empathy- an apology without change is meaningless.
There are non profit agencies that will send abortion medication through the mail anywhere in the world. It might be too late for your friend, but just thought I’d put that out there.
It’s not uncommon that some people are just ignorant and kinda stupid about things. Good thing here is he research it, learned his mistake and apologize. Going forward (if you wish) be sure to tell him that he should never guess things as important as these and that either he should learn about it or ask. Also ask him all the important things and see if his opinions and wiahes match your. If not it’s better to find someone who fit you better
The joke isn’t cool at all.
But not sure why you think his thought process isn’t reasonable.
The woman said she wants an abortion and is being pushed into a shotgun wedding. I would consider this pretty dangerous.
Plus you’re in a third world country where she may have limited healthcare and higher than normal chance of injury/death
The solution should be a safe legal abortion, but I don’t think it’s extreme for him to consider that she may find the risk of potentially unsafe illegal abortion to be similar to the risk of her livelihood from the current situation.
He just sounds like he doesn’t really understand the nuance tho.
I would be concerned having sex with him after this conversation.
That being said, it may just be him not having the emotional intelligence to respond appropriately to the situation. He joke about the situation because he was feeling uncomfortable in the moment. Instead of acknowledging how hard the situation is and processing your concerns, he made jokes.
So your either in a relationship with someone who has low emotional intelligence in general, and/or someone who would selfishly put you at risk if there was an accident. It’s tough either way.
Some people genuinely believe what they see on TV and are ignorant to the reality of situations like the danger of backstreet abortions. He might have genuinely just been ignorant and uneducated.
He has made the effort to educate himself now and is apologetic.
It’s your choice whether to forgive him or not, but I would personally view it as a lesson learned.
Not going to lie. For 25 year old’s you guy’s communication sounds trash. Like this sounds like an argument young people have.
I understand abortion is illegal in your country but are you sure it’s necessarily also dangerous?
Abortion is illegal in my country but it’s also regularly done in private hospitals as long as you got some money (it’s just registered as something else), I assumed it was somewhat like that in other places.
https://nwhn.org/safe-online-delivered-how-to-get-the-abortion-pill-by-mail/
Your friend may be able to get help through international providers. I suggest using a VPN if she wants to research that option. You’re 100% right that anything but proper medical care would be risky.
As for your relationship, I don’t know girl. I feel you. Men are ignorant idiots that won’t ever experience the same fear we do. He should’ve been more empathetic. Up to you if you feel he deserves forgiveness or not.
Your friend wants an abortion, and your boyfriend can help her get it? That might be risky but it’s her risk to take, not yours.
I would be afraid that he push me doen the stairs if i get pregnant because it works in tv. Or he comes with a coat hanger because “in old times, haha”. Ir he kicks you in the stomach, haha. So funny, haha. He tries to sell this shit as jokes but he really believes it! And how stupid do you need to be to believe everything is true in tv – with 25?! And to make such comments that ruins the lifes of so many women, how tasteless and disgusting can you be?
You did the right thing. You saw what kind of guy he is and broke up.
The energy here is weird. He was making dark humor jokes in response to something he wasn’t just being cruel. I don’t blame you for being done with him if he can’t read the room but not sure he deserves his butt scarped off with no anesthesia…
Friend of mine had a “friend” that drank one of those “quiapo” medicines.
She almost died from blood loss and spent a shit ton in the hospital, around 1000x the amount of the expensive contraceptives.
These illegal methods are very risky and can cause long term damage to the woman’s body.
I’m a man btw and I don’t take these jokes lightly.
Personally I won’t go back to him as this is not just a “him” problem and is probably connected to his upbringing and surroundings, something you would be more exposed to the more serious your relationship becomes.
In the Philippines, almost every action is dangerous now. Your friend should get to choose how to live her own life.
I want to say Dark Humor but I don’t know how your interaction went and how words were spoken.
Your boyfriend needs to learn to keep shut up and learn that most people can’t take a dark joke.
See as you see fit.
The only country that divorce and abortion is illegal is the Philippines.
My issue here is that a) he’s too dumb to understand the risk of an illegal abortion and b) he didn’t knock it off after the first time and didn’t understand the risk after your pregnancy scare. Like, the scare should’ve made him more aware of the damage even just pregnancy does. Its up to you if you think its bad enough to break up with (i personly would), but know that you can’t change him. If its in his mind to not do research before he spouts bs, then that’s probably not something that’s going to change.