Hi, guys.
I am unable to talk about my issues, what bothers me, what I’m feeling to my friends. They are very comfortable sharing, though. One friend in particular leans on a bit too often: it’s all about his life, work, emotions. I’m kind of sick of listening to him and being his unpaid counselor. It’s a one-way street; but when he does ask how I’m feeling, I don’t really describe anything. But in general, I don’t share anything about my life even though I desperately crave an emotional outlet. Even when I went to a therapist (not for this reason), I was unable to convey anything and cried the entire time.
I want to feel better, trust my friends, have a safe space to vent, and cultivate my relationships more (and so would like to rectify this…slowly).
Possible reasons I’ve thought of that compel me to be this way:
1. I don’t trust them to understand my problems truly and I don’t think they can even sympathize (much less empathize).
2. Even if they do understand, it’s my own problem to deal with.
3. Every time I share something, I feel like I’m revealing a part of my life for no reason.
4. I feel pathetic and weak if I do talk about something that bothers me. My subconscious sigma, hyper independent ideals take a beating. Clown emoji
5. I don’t think my problems actually matter enough for me to spend time talking about them. I feel like I’m anxious in general and nothing will come out of discussing them.
6. Whenever I’ve tried to do this in the past, I’ve been…dismissed or kind of implicitly forced. It feels very stupid to say something personal and then to not be taken seriously or poked fun at (or to be accused that you’re saying something but mean something else). I’m not expecting CBT from anybody but some acknowledgement/belief would have been nice.
Please help.
2 comments
Hey, I relate to your post a lot as it’s something I struggle with. I tend to keep things to myself and I don’t like the idea of appearing vulnerable to other because of experiences in the past.
I’ve been trying, slowly, to change that and I wanna share a bit of what I’ve learned.
The only way to form connections and a safe space is to appear vulnerable and present yourself as you are in front of the people that you find trustworthy, no matter how hard it sounds.
You can start little by little. If someone asks you about how you’re feeling, you can tell them what’s on your mind vaguely as a first step. See how they react before proceeding to tell more. Are they willing to lend an ear? If you still feel hesitant, there’s no need to rush.
It’s unavoidable to encounter people that will hurt you while you’re vulnerable. Yes, there might be people that won’t believe you or make you feel bad but there are certainly people out there that are willing to help. The process of finding the right people might be risky and difficult but the outcome will be worth it.
And also, know that your feelings matter, your personal issues matter. Think of expressing your feelings as a way to lessen the burden on your shoulders. Bottling it all up will do you more harm than good, and you deserve better.
I wish you the best! I will also try my best if you ever need someone to try to talk to:)
First and foremost thanks for sharing ! Just know your feelings are very valid and you deserve reciprocation in a friendship even if it takes time in your end to share things. You have the right to tell whomever that you don’t have the capacity or the energy to hear them out that day. When they do ask you though I agree with the other comment with just sharing things you feel vaguely. I’m sorry if people in the past have neglected your feelings or even cut you off because they just get distracted easily or don’t care. As someone who has always been a giver and just wants someone to genuinely be present for me is all I ask. Trust is so hard to find honestly and I praise you recognizing and trying out things like therapy.
Therapy is good even if it’s just you crying. That’s a first step and you can even mention to your therapist that you have a hard time sharing and even what you posted so she/he has a better idea on how to help you.
Sharing is a lot and sometimes you have to look at it more as this is me just trying to get it out of my system. I know sometimes we share bc we want a reaction whether that be happiness, sadness, empathy or sympathy. Yes what your going thru is ur issues but that doesn’t mean ur not allowed to share. I also may think that maybe ur friends are not supportive. There are a few that maybe willing to help or support but that’s where you come in and tell them what you need. Whether that be checking in once a week, telling them you want them to just listen, or just to be patient with you. You feelings and problems matter. Yes it may make you feel vulnerable and weak but these challenges and obstacles in your life make you stronger. We tend to be dependent on our friends but just know that it takes time to really find the right people. I just turned 26 and had my fair share of friends and fall outs bc of just tryna find people I can confidently confide in and be comfortable around who accept me and support me.
Keep going tho and don’t lose hope. You are trying your best and in able to get some you gotta give some too. You will get there 🙂