My parents are starting to discuss inheritance/wills, do I say something?

6 comments

1. > My mom is trying to convince him to put it under my name so that I can give it to her when he dies.

   Um, this all sounds like it’s about stuff that has nothing to do with you. I would tell them to send me the paperwork after they complete it and I’ll keep it safe until it’s needed. There is no need for you to be intimately involved with this conversation at your age unless you want to, and it sounds like you don’t.

2. It’s understandable to feel uncomfortable with the topic of death and inheritance, especially when it’s being discussed so frequently.

   First of all, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to have everything figured out right now. It’s okay to take your time and think things through before making any decisions or taking any action.

   In terms of your parents’ plans, it might be helpful to have a conversation with them about your concerns and what you would like to see happen. It’s important to express your thoughts and feelings in a respectful and open manner.

   It’s also a good idea to educate yourself on finances and taxes, even if your mom thinks it’s unnecessary. This will give you a better understanding of what’s happening and help you make informed decisions in the future.

   Ultimately, the most important thing is to prioritize your own well-being and do what feels right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or support if you need it. Remember, you’re not alone in this.

3. I would mostly stay out of it. But your mother sounds like a piece of work. You shouldn’t inherit a house to “foster independence” or some bullshit. But she should inherit a house? Shouldn’t she be encouraged to be more independent? And she didn’t want to fill the role of a parent and teach you basic life skills to encourage independence?

   The way you encourage independence involves keeping people in their zone of proximal development – the zone of things they cannot quite do on their own but can do with assistance – while helping them to accomplish those tasks, while also helping them learn what things they need to learn about. It’s true you might be able to learn about taxes on your own, but her attitude really just sounds like laziness to me. She just doesn’t want to bother doing the work of being a parent.

   If you do inherit a house, do not give it to your mother.

4. I don’t think you need to offer up any opinions about this subject. Ultimately it is their business to resolve. Inheritance and money are difficult subjects. In some ways I think it’s good they’re keeping you in the loop, because it shows they see you as an adult. But some of what they’re doing would be better discussed privately without you present.

   I really don’t agree with parents who have attitudes like your mom’s. Like imagine just sending a kid to cross the road the first time, without telling them to stop and look both ways, to listen. Without telling them to check to see if a driver sees you and is actually breaking to a full stop. The kid might make it, because humans are pretty good at physical self preservation, but holy crap… Is it teaching them independence to have no knowledge of how to protect themselves when crossing the road? Or is it just neglect?

   Unfortunately there’s probably not much getting through to your mom on that topic. Look into free or low cost financial literacy courses at community colleges, community centres, YMCAs, etc. It’s a good thing to learn and the instructors at places like that will want to help you! I’d be so impressed by a 20 year old coming to a class like that.

5. Okay I’m going to say…your mother is wrong. it doesn’t teach independence it sets your child up for failure to just throw them out there. She should be teaching you about your taxes and finances not acting like you should figure it out entirely on your own. I also don’t understand your dad putting his house in your name so you can then give it to her.

   If your dad gives you a house…keep it if you can. Or sell so you can get another that suits you better. That’s giving you a safety net.

   Take some financial courses would be my suggestion. Dave Ramsey is a good one but there are a lot out there that will help teach you about finances, saving, retirement, etc. staying out of debt.

   It’s okay to say nothing to your mother about their wills. I’d just say it’s your stuff however you want to handle your property is up to you. And move on. No need for you to stress about it.

6. I got a little lost when I read the part about elder care and you taking care of your parents if they become unable to take care of themselves. That needs to be discussed because it involves a lot from you.

   My parents were not comfortable with talking about finances except their desire was for me to take care of them when they were older so they could stay in their home. I readily agreed to that and remembered my pledge. So I always prepared for it by saving vacation time so I could get off work since they live in a different state.

   When my dad became ill I took 8 months off work because my mother couldn’t care for him. Then just 3 months after my father died, my mother got very ill. I ended up taking 10 months off work to fly up and care for her until she died.

   Just wanted you to realize all that could be involved in any promise to care for your parents. I feel good that I was able to care for them, but it was not easy.

   I don’t get the whole leaving your child with no inheritance so they can struggle for years to make it. And is there a reason they would leave a home to your cousin?

   Anyway, what they need to do (if you are in the US) is see an attorney that specializes in estates and trusts. That is what they need to do because here it costs so much for nursing homes that they could both lose their homes. In California it averages about $15,000 per month and people sometimes stay years.