We lived in our separate residences for 7 years. My plan was to move in together when his kids were adults. He’s been pushing me to cohabitate since the 4 year mark. i told him i wanted to be able to involve myself as much or as little as i wanted with his kids and ex wife and having my own place is the way to do that. If i saw something that i didn’t like going on in his household, it’s none of my business. i’ve never had or wanted roommates for my own reasons. i told him i’m very particular about things and am not easy to live with. He said the things i’m particular with are actually good habits to have. I told him while his priority are his kids, my priority is our relationship and my concern is that throwing me into the mix of kids and ex will ruin our relationship. He didn’t want that. He said he would make sure all my fears would not come true. i finally gave in but not without conditions he willingly agreed to. i now have a say in OUR household. i set boundaries regarding his kids and ex. i’m not a nanny nor a maid for anyone. I don’t want a friendship with his ex and don’t want her in our house. She’s the mother of his kids and i respect that. First year living together was good. i helped parent his kids including cooking, helping with homework, and establishing their routine. i also bought their clothes, food and whatever else was necessary. i don’t have kids, It was not the life i wanted. Was now making the sacrifice because i love him. Decided to get married. Barely a year in, he’s now gone back on every condition and calling the shots with “judgement calls” on things i clearly defined. i feel trapped. And very resentful and angry at the bait and switch. How am i supposed to move forward?
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I’d book with a therapist who specializes in blended families. I’d ask him to go and if he won’t, I’d make an exit plan and execute it. If he does go, then I’d still make an exit plan and just reevaluate in 6mos—if he’s making an effort and things are improving you can stick around and reevaluate again 6 mos after that.
I’m a CF SM and admin a group for other CF SMs. It’s not uncommon to end up with a guy who parents out of post divorce guilt and is permissive, has poor boundaries with ex wife, and basically expects SM to have all of the responsibilities with no authority and just suck it up.
That’s how my first marriage was. I turned myself inside out and upside down trying to make it work. I didn’t leave because of the kids or the house stuff—I got all of that sorted but it took a few years of me being pretty miserable.
After my divorce, I met my current partner and it’s a 180.
If I were in your shoes I’d try the therapy but I wouldn’t stick around if he doesn’t make an effort.
If you don’t want kids, don’t date a guy with kids. You sound selfish and wildly short-sighted. His kids will always come first.
If it’s a year in and he’s not acknowledging his changes on matters you already agreed to, you can try counseling as a way to mediate the issues, or just end it and go back to living separately where you don’t have to make those compromises.
It sounds like you are stuck in the loop of not enforcing boundaries and expecting someone else to change. You put up with your boundaries being crossed so it just keeps happening.
You can keep going with “he’s the one doing something wrong and he’s the one that needs to change” but it won’t get you where you want to be if you are not willing to accept responsibility for putting up with it. It will just lead to resentment and a lot of unhappiness.
Divorce him. He baited and switched.
So you never wanted to be a nanny and a maid, but you were basically that.
Why wasn’t he buying the kids’ clothes or helping with homework?
Sounds like he said he liked your habits because he was having a hard time figuring out how to run a household alone? You also said in the comments he needs you financially. Rather than step up as a parent, he is using you for your parenting/housekeeper/routines skills but ignores your routine when it doesn’t suit him.
>Decided to get married. Barely a year in, he’s now gone back on every condition and calling the shots with “judgement calls” on things i clearly defined. i feel trapped. And very resentful and angry at the bait and switch. How am i supposed to move forward?
Sometimes, we make mistakes in the name of love. That absolutely **does not mean we are TRAPPED in the name of love.**
You’ve gone through this before. Get a good divorce lawyer and start the process. Don’t live like this, OP.
move out. Many. Living separately while married is actually a thing now.
[https://www.foxnews.com/media/married-couples-living-apart-together-win-win-strategy-media-says](https://www.foxnews.com/media/married-couples-living-apart-together-win-win-strategy-media-says)
He went back on the rules so you can go back on the living situation.
i’m not a nanny nor a maid for anyone
And then…
*i helped parent his kids including cooking, helping with homework, and establishing their routine. i also bought their clothes, food and whatever else was necessary.*
I don’t get it. The entire post is how you don’t want to do any of this with the kids and then you turn around and do everything you said you wouldn’t. Then after a year you say that you were unhappy with how things were, *so you decided to MARRY him?* Talk about bait and switch.
Your gut was telling you all along not to move in, you did it anyway and then married the guy. Against your own better judgement. You are free to move out. You are free to divorce him.
50F. Honestly I’d get out and go back to your old, peaceful life. He pretended to he who you said you wanted until he got you to do what he wanted – move in and marry. Now he has you where he wants you he feels free to show his true colors.
If you decide to stay with him you’ll have to accept that this is who he is. He will not change. Don’t waste your precious years trying to change him. He is who you see in front of you right now.