Me and my partner have almost been together 10 years at this point and we haven’t had sex in around 3 years. I’ve fingered her from time to time and she’s gone down on me but she says that she never feels turned on by me or anyone else. There was a time when I was away for a few weeks and she said she didn’t feel anything then either (playing with herself I mean). She has a very stressful job and is struggling with OCD so she says she has a hard time to relax as her brain is always spinning. Meanwhile I’m almost always in the mood, I could have sex everyday for the last 10 years if she also wanted. This is the first and only relationship we’ve both been in and we lost our virginity to eachother so we’ve never been with anyone else.
This is a really hard post to make because we love eachother more then anything and we both want the sex to come back.
5 comments
Assuming you’re a loving person and in decent shape I don’t think it’s you. She should look into therapy and possibly some anti anxiety meds. It’s good that she wants the sex to come back. But what is she doing to make that happen? Saying it is worthless if she doesn’t take action to resolve the issue. Also you need to push more if you want results. Maybe let her know sexless relationships rarely last. 3 years is a long ass time and would not be acceptable to most of there was not some sort of medical issue or critics illness associated with the lack of sex.
The thing about having a low sex drive is that people often can’t just “get over” it in the moment. If you’ve ever tried having sex when your mind and body aren’t into it…it feels awful, even violating. Obviously, neither of you want that.
Therefore, in your situation, I think your partner would need to start to trying to figure out if her low sex drive is more of a “temporary” vs. “permanent” state.
*Temporary*: hormonal imbalance or a similarly physiological force limiting her libido, a psychological condition (OCD as you said) that does the same. These can be *treated* in most cases, if needed. Or she may be have a very [responsive desire with a ton of “brakes”](https://www.lovehealgrow.com/sexual-desire-brakes-and-accelerators/). That usually requires a change of scenery, so to say, to help remove the brakes.
(Note: having bad/painful sex can and will also lower someone’s sex drive and while it’s not likely that this is the case here since she doesn’t even want to masturbate, it has to be be included as something to consider *especially* if none of you have ever had other sexual partners and therefore, lack points of comparison about what “sex should feel like.”)
*Permanent*: she could naturally have a low libido *or* she’s asexual but it took her a while to realize it. That happens since our social default is “everyone is sexual until proven otherwise.” So maybe she was [ace](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-asexuality/) all along.
The point here is that a low libido would mean a lot of things; there’s no “one explanation fits all” option here. But if she’s really invested in rediscovering her sex drive, then she should start with a doctor’s visit and/or a discussion with whoever is managing her OCD (assuming she’s working with a psychiatrist or therapist).
Thanks for the replies!
You both should read Come As You Are
I was in a similar situation and he ended up leaving me and it broke my heart 🙁
At the time I thought it was body image, but looking back, it was a lot about work stress too. Maybe she should change her job to one where she is happier. Work is important but so is the love of your life.
On a practical level, I wish I had gone and got regular professional massages, had sex in the shower (hot water is relaxing and somehow washes the day’s troubles away), drank more champagne and eaten a lot less in the evenings so I felt lighter and more up for it (ie main meal at lunchtime). Spent more on really nice clothes, hair and makeup so I felt sexy. Had more fun outside the bedroom.
What I wouldn’t do is that cliche ‘spice it up’ bullshit, ie a bit of cheapo bondage gear and some plastic sex toys.