My partner and I have been together for just over 10 years. We are great friends and run the home as a great team. But, we aren’t romantic partners anymore. For years I have tried to make myself feel anything, but I don’t. Recently in an argument, she threatened to leave if she didn’t get her way, and I felt so relieved by the idea that there was a way out… that I realized I was being a chicken not saying anything.
I have told her before that I haven’t been happy, but I have never asked to end the relationship. The problem is, the only two relationships I ever ended myself ended BADLY. One, in highschool, after only three weeks of dating, the person attempted… unaliving. Once, in grad school, I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship where the person threatened to ruin my life, somehow took my friends (I don’t know what was said to them), and outed me to my family to punish me for breaking up with them. I haven’t broken up with anyone since them, but needless to say I find myself anxious thinking about it now.
I know she won’t retaliate, but I don’t want to hurt her worse than necessary. I don’t know if it’s better to go gradually or all at once. Pull away or stay kind and close… or if that will make it feel like it’s out of the blue?
Basically I’m hoping people who were in relationships that ended on a good note could share some things that went well, things you’re glad happened, or even things you wish your partner did. Because I care a lot about her and, in a perfect world, I’d like for us to go from being distant partners to good and close friends (although I realize that might not be possible or may take some time)
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**tl;dr**: Looking for advice for how to start the conversation about breaking up/end a long term relationship while causing the least amount of pain to the other party
2 comments
Be clear and direct with your intentions, but also be understanding of your partner’s emotions and reactions. Try to approach the conversation with empathy and compassion.
Very few relationships end on a good note. Your conscience will be clear if you speak to her honestly and with kindness. Mention the issues you 2 are having. Ask if she thinks you would both be better off living separately.
this is so tough and I wish you the best.