TLDR: I lost a grandparent about a week ago, and my girlfriend keeps needing me to do emotional regulation for her.
About a week ago, I lost my last remining grandparent. I was closest to this grandparent and they were very close to both my parents and my brother and I. I live out of state and wasn’t able to make it home before they passed. I went home anyway and came back Sunday night.
I have been dating my girlfriend for a little less than 6 months, it is my first serious relationship, so I’m not exactly sure about some of the finer details of being a boyfriend, but I’m giving my all to be a good boyfriend. Perhaps I’m giving too much. My girlfriend is in graduate school and is killing it. She keeps scoring way above average on her exams and im so proud of her. Unfortunately, she still has a lot of anxiety around school. I do my best to accommodate her schedule and support her through this.
The night before my grandparent passed, she came over and brought me food and dessert and supported me. I’m incredibly grateful for this.
The problem is later in the week. She wanted a lot of support from me about school over the weekend while I was home. I gave it to her, but it exhausted me to be there for my family and her, and I felt it was a bit unfair of her to ask that of me. Ultimately, it’s on me for not saying I couldn’t do it, so I don’t blame her for that. However, she is uncomfortable with me saying no. I know that she feels hurt and sad when I don’t do what she wants. She wanted to see me right after I got off my flight on Sunday and I said yes because she was telling me how sad she was. Again, I said yes so that’s on me. I was do drained that day and while I did enjoy seeing her, seeing her because she was sad and needed support felt a little off.
I wanted to talk with her and tell her I was going to state my limits better in the future, she didn’t react very well. She wasn’t angry just sad and confused. I tried to explain best I could but it feels like I shouldn’t have to tell her to respect that I’m grieving right now. I dont want her to wait on me hand and foot or even do anything special. I just don’t want to be asked to do emotional regulation for another person right now. I’m not really sure what to do or if I’m being unreasonable.
She’s accepted that I can’t do that for her, but now she’s saying she’s sad that she can’t talk to me because she has to give me space. To me that kinda defeats the purpose of the space. My friends and therapist agree with me, but I just feel guilty, confused and exhausted. Can someone help me?
1 comment
>My friends and therapist agree with me
What do they agree on? That part wasn’t clear.
You aren’t being unreasonable at all, but you’re also in learning mode because this is your 1st serious relationship. Most of us go through this. The mistake you’re making has to do with bad communication, which is also the #1 problem with any couples today.
For example, when she asks you to do something and you say yes, but you wish you could say no, this isn’t helpful. That’s because it builds resentment, which can easily end a relationship. You’ll get to the point where you’re thinking “omg this woman is sucking the life out of me”. But if she has no idea how you feel, that’s on you as much as it is her.
You’ve got to find a way to tell her that there’s an imbalance here, because she needs more from you than you can give. Get specific. It might be space, it might be happy hour with the guys etc. Nobody should ever feel guilty for this stuff.
Finally, does she have outside friendships and support besides you? I assume so, but if she doesn’t, that’s part of this. Nobody should ever expect a partner to be their whole support system unless they’re both insanely introverted and it makes them both happy.