TLDR; 31F / 30M
Thank you to all who previously helped me realize that these are abusive behaviors. I unfortunately am not in the position to leave, but could use some pointers on how to effectively respond when these comments are made. I have had people tell me that I come across as mean towards my partner, but I just honestly feel like I’m at the point where if I don’t become slightly assertive then he will continue to walk all over me and continue trying to control me/my life.
Backstory:
We have been married almost 10 years.
He often makes comments about what I wear out in public, specifically towards leggings and that he can see my “ass” (not see-through leggings, but just being able to see panty lines). I stopped wearing underwear with leggings for a while because of this. Fairly recently, I was getting changed for bed and he saw that I was wearing panties and spent a few minutes questioning me as to why I was wearing them. He has also, on more than one occasion, made comments to me when he has seen other men “checking me out”.. the most recent occurrence was worded as “don’t think I didn’t see that”.
Last week I got home from work, showered&shaved, went up to bed.. he immediately noticed I had shaved and kept asking why, then proceeded to accuse me of sleeping with coworkers. I legitimately just laughed because of how ridiculous his accusation was.
I had spent an extra 15 minutes at work a few days before, only because we work with 2 people on a shift and then have to give turnover. I enjoy talking with the lady who relieved me so I spent a little extra time speaking with her. He had called me the minute I was supposed to be leaving, I sent him a message saying I was still at work and then called him back when I was walking out to my car. He asked what I was doing, why I hadn’t left yet and quickly became pretty stern saying “it’s time to come home”.
He becomes visibly annoyed when I pick up overtime, even if it’s during times that he is at work as well. If I get mandated for a shift or any minor inconvenience occurs, he will tell me that I need to quit my job (despite it being a well-paying position with good benefits, a pension and carrying health insurance for our family). It is very upsetting on my part because I know the risks/sacrifices that come with my job and it is what I agreed to.
We also had an incident come up about 2 years ago where I caught him taking unclothed photos of me without my knowledge, and come to find out there was 40+ more photos I didn’t know about. He didn’t see a problem with it because we’re married, but my thoughts are: he could have just asked, and if he didn’t think it was wrong, why do it so many times without my knowledge? As someone who has past trauma, it did not sit well with me and gave me increased anxiety. When I confronted him, he initially denied it. Then, I told him I already saw the pictures and asked how many he had, he lied again and said there were 10. Continuing to lie to me and then trying to tell me that because he’s my husband it’s okay.
A little over a year ago I overcame a fear of mine and began seeing a therapist 1x per week (I have since stopped going) When he caught wind of me going, he questioned why and asked why I couldn’t just talk to him about things/my problems. He was bothered that I wanted to discuss my life with a stranger, but not with him. In his defense, I did not tell him I would be seeing a therapist, but only because I knew just how he would react. However, there have been moments where I tried to talk to him about things and get no response/feedback/validation whatsoever because he “doesn’t know what to say”, which is very discouraging on my part and makes it difficult to open up.
And most recently, I bought a new pair of jeans – they’re baggy jeans, not form-fitting by any means. They’re not a style I’d typically purchase for myself so I texted him as we are working opposite schedules so I wouldn’t be seeing him.. and told him I purchased them and wasn’t sure how I felt. One of the first few things he said is “who else did you show?” And tried playing it off like he just wanted to know what they thought. I just don’t feel like this is a normal response??? If he were to send me a picture of let’s say, his haircut.. my first thought wouldn’t be “who else did you show?” Like I legitimately didn’t even know how to respond to that and I feel like any time I try to speak up for myself an argument ensues and it isn’t even worth it.
5 comments
A book I read studying abusive men said there are two types. The superiority complex powerplay abuser and the insecure abuser.
As you aren’t in a position to leave you might look into finding out what type he is. If he is powerplay he will respond *dangerously* if you start standing up for yourself or “talking back”. If he is insecure he can *absolutely* change and may simply not have the skills or even self awareness to see his behaviour has become abusive.
I wouldn’t be working out a script of replies to this person until I knew where his abusive behaviour stems from.
Best of luck!
If you can say it in a neutral, inquisitive tone, “What a weird question. Why do you ask?” is often a good response to inappropriate questions.
But you need to focus on your safety. You know him better than any redditer. If you have to stay with an abuser, you focus on what you need to do to stay safe. And the only other things you focus on are protecting any innocents if relevant, trying to plan to be able to leave the situation.
What is your timeline for ending this? Because the truth of it is, there is no great response to these kinds of accusations or comments or interrogations. They don’t come from a rational place, and no amount of pleading or explanation is going to make him stop seeing you as an object that he gets to control.
I would consider yourself in damage minimization mode, and make your primary goals escaping this relationship without him having hit you (or worse), or crushed your confidence and spirit to the point that you can’t bounce back to feeling like yourself again. If you can’t leave right now, I get it, but this is not sustainable for long or even medium term IMO, and he has already done a ton of harm to you.
I was talking to a stranger the other day about relationships (long story) and she said something that really kind of stuck in my brain. She said, “life is the longest thing you’ll ever do but it’s still pretty short, why waste it with someone that makes you unhappy? You won’t get that time back.”
So my question to you is, if you’re not in the position to leave right now, what steps are you taking towards being able to leave? What is holding you back from leaving and what can you control to overcome those barriers?
Because right now, you’re wasting your one and only life being unhappy. You can’t get that time back.
Has he always been like this to you? Or is this something new.