My girlfriend and I are having a baby and I feel like she’s trying to fight over nothing. When it came to my last name being the baby’s last name, she didn’t like the sound of that. She said that she’s the mom and wants her last name to be included, so we settled on hyphenation. By the way, my last name is 6 letters and hers is 10, so it’s gonna be a long-ass last name, but it’s a compromise because we’re going to be doing a lot of that for the rest of our lives since we now have a child on the way.
Now, she wants our baby to have just her last name because hyphenated last names are a pain and the last name would be too long, but in my opinion, that would be like the baby just having my last name. Just like she wanted our child to have her name in there, I would like the same thing. I feel like this decision is made with no compromise and I really don’t want this to be more complicated than it has to be because we have bigger things to worry about. I am perfectly fine with the hyphenated name, I am not fine with our child having just her last name. And I did check online, we do not live in a state where a child automatically takes the mom’s last name. Advice?
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The stories here aren’t even spaced out when they are repeated are they? Anyway, if this was a real post I would say give up. You have a lifetime of actual important decisions to make together, don’t choose this particular battle.
If she is going to ignore you here she will do so many times in the future as well. Fight this battle till the end.
If she won’t be willing to compromise on this even at cost of your relationship, then you absolutely should not stay with her, or you will really regret it later on.
You are not married. This is your girlfriends decision.
What is her reason for not hyphenating the name?
You’re not married. I don’t think you have any legal standing to insist on any part of the child’s name.
It seems like gf doesn’t think she is going to be married to you and eventually you two will part and she will have primary custody of the child. Why should her child have a different last name at that point?
If you guys get married, you can discuss changing the child’s last name at that time
So, you would be ok with your child having just *your name* (your initial suggestion) but when the child would just have *her name* this wouldn’t be fair? That’s kinda hypocritical isn’t it? (On both sides.) why do you think your last name would get the priority here?
That said, there is no advice to give here rather than you need to sit down and have an honest conversation and consider both of your feelings.
You’re not married. It’s her decision. Sorry.
Oh God, imagine trying to decide other things for the child as well (it’s going to be hell). Everyone here says since you’re not married you have no choice, so apparently you’re not a parent if you don’t marry the mother ? Wtf?
You clearly have some resentment and disrespect for your girlfriend from what I can tell in this post and your answers. You dislike how she’s handling things and think she’s being “stubborn.” That’s fair, but how you handle this issue is going to set a tone for your future child and it’s best to start good habits now.
Sit her down and say you want to have a kind, respectful conversation. Tell her you understand and agree that a hyphenated name will be long and kind of a pain for your child. However, you feel that for the sake of equality and compromise, that it would be better for you to all have to spent a few seconds longer writing out your child’s long name than it would be for one of his parents to have to not have a namesake connection. That the thing about compromise is that it usually is more work than one person just getting their way, but that work is worth it when it keeps everyone satisfied, rather than the “loser” having to live in resentment or disrespect.
It should not be you against your girlfriend. It should be you and your girlfriend vs. the problem.
>but to be honest, this is the kind of things she does, she says it’s in her nature.
If she’s resistant from the start and says that it’s just “her nature” do not accept that as a reason to refuse to negotiate. It’s arguably in our nature to shake a screaming baby too, does that make it okay? No. You put your child and other peoples needs before your “nature” to be combative, if you’re a responsible parent.
All you did was provide the baby gravy. She’s permanently changing her body for this child and sacrificing her health and time and efforts. If anything, she does deserve more to share the same last name as her child.
A hyphenated name would be a good compromise but if y’all each have long last names, that’s a burden.
Would one of the surnames work as a middle name? Maybe compromise that way.
I understand where she’s coming from. My husband and I were married 6 years before mutually agreeing to have a child. They got his last name of course, and when our son was one, my husband wanted a divorce. I’ve been raising our son, alone, and he has my ex husbands last name. I wish that weren’t the case.
Ask yourself, to what end. What is your end goal with this? What if the child has only one last name? What if hyphenated? Does it change anything?
Then decide if that’s worth the fight.
You won’t marry the mother of your child, she has no reason to beleive you’ll stick around, she doesn’t want her kid saddled with the last name of some dude she used to hook up with and hasn’t seen in years.
Unless you intend on attending all doctor visits, school registrations, and any other enrollment process for your child, in my experience it has been easier for my child to have my last name rather than her father’s. Having to prove your child is your child with the birth certificate every time just because last names don’t match can be a total pain in the butt for moms. I have a couple of friends that have gone through this.
My kids has my last name as a middle name, could be a good compromise.
I don’t agree with the fact that you’re not married, thus it’s her decision.
You’re both the parents, I’ll assume you’ll both be doing 50/50 of the parenting/finances/child care etc. This child is as much yours as it is hers, bodily autonomy aside.
I think hyphenated is a good compromise, and you’d be surprised how many people have a long (last) name. Here in the Netherlands, after marriage i by default keep my maiden’s name even though I want to only be called by my husband’s name. My full name is 34 letters long 🥲
But I don’t use them all in daily life! Only every now and then a paper perhaps, but it’s not that bothersome.
There is no advice to be given. That is something you have to hash out with your girlfriend. As long as you aren’t married I’d say that your legal standing in the childs name is slim. Also since you are not married it is very likely that it is way more practical for your girlfriend as the kids mother to have the child have her name. She is likely to be the one who gets the kid to doctors appointments, brings and gets her to (pre-)school and so on.
Best advice is: Marry her and have one name for your whole new family – either hers or yours or a hyphenation.
Dude let her name her child her own surname. She’s the one assuming all the risk of pregnancy and childbirth, she’s the one who has to grow and then squeeze an entire human out of her body, why do you feel the right to put your name on that. Because you fucked once? Absolutely not
There is more to being a father than your kid having your last name. The two of you are bringing a new life into the world. They don’t tun into good people by accident. Instead of focusing on what your rights and legal recourse is, how about a plan for the two of you to raise this kid?
Baby not even here yet and already she’s using it to make some kind of protest “stand”. I’m afraid this is a precursor to many more woke movements she will make in this child’s lifetime. Sigh….
Has she expressed her intentions about her name after marriage?
Now, if she wants to keep her name this doesn’t apply. But why should the baby take your name if you’re not ready/interested/willing to share yours with her? She could potentially be a single mom and it’s a hassle to be the primary parent with a different name.
I mean this goes both ways doesn’t it. You don’t see why not your name well that flys right back. Why not hers?
That really would be a huge double barrel and honestly one of them would be dropped on day to day use anyway.
Why not baby’s name your name her name?
Women are not wanting to just automatically give babies their boyfriends last names anymore. Progression my man.
I did give my children my now husbands last name before we where married because we where engaged so a promise to marry. If the marriage hadn’t of happened though I would of deedpoll my own last name to match my children’s. If we hadn’t of at least been engaged or worse just dating and Rocky it would of certainly been my last name.
I would post this in LegalAdvice
Do the hyphenated name. It’s really not a big deal. I have one. My kids do. It’s ok.
Last resort, tell her you will not be signing the birth certificate. I said it was a last resort.
I see where you’re coming from and honestly I’d say pick your battles in most cases but here there might be a compromise, have you ever considered the child’s middle name be your last name, that way it’s there but they don’t have to write it out every time they spell their name? I personally have a very long name so I do think your Gf is being a bit ridiculous on this but I think it’s because you aren’t married yet and she’ll probably split and have you co-parent after the kid is born. That’s a whole separate discussion though. I can see why you want your name to be given to the child, it’s still your kid and I can understand not wanting anyone to try to make you out as an absent father because of that, but you have to be more resilient in that case as well. In court where it actually matters who is being an absent parent, the two things considered is whose name is on the birth certificate and how much did they contribute to the child’s upbringing, and that should be all that matters to you too.
I get where you’re coming from, but you aren’t married, and it doesn’t sound like you even like her. She doesn’t want to have to think about you every time she writes the child’s name for the rest of her life. This is a frequent issue for single moms, and can be a hassle for them.
It’s just the way it goes when you’re not married; your view on this doesn’t matter too much. It sounds harsh, but it’s harsher for a child to be born into a relationship like this one. Maybe put your feelings aside on this one and instead work to set up a good co-parenting relationship and put less stress on her, and by extension your child.