Throwaway account.
My partner and I had been together 1 year 2 months. I moved in back in November to his place.
This is his first adult serious relationship, he’s dated in the past but it was in college a different period of his life.
Everything was great until last fall.
We never fought, we got alone seamlessly, we shared a ton of cool outdoor hobbies together, we have similar values and views on money etc. he’s incredibly kind and gets along with my friends and vise Versa. I love his family and they love me as well. Nothing at all to complain about between us. Everything generally flows so easily with him and I. I’ve dated a lot and he’s the first one everything felt so right with.
A week after I moved I asked if everything was okay because he had been very stressed buying a house the past few months. Out of nowhere he said we are not compatible and that he didn’t see himself with me and that I’m selfish and he saw us as just being good friends. We took the night apart and talked in the morning and he was crying apologizing for taking his stress out on me. I was shocked and still hurt but didn’t end it because I had just moved my entire life in a week ago.
Everything was fine for a while until after new years, I was a little bummed that I didn’t end up spending it with my friends. I compromised and let him host his out of state friends and then we’d go to my friends place after midnight. One night I asked if all was well and yet again he said we were not compatible with how we spent our time. he thought I needed a huge party on NYE & he likes a more chill NYE and maybe we should break up. That was not the case on my end, I was just sad I didn’t get to spend it with my friends. The next morning he regretted saying that again.
Last week this happened yet again and we made it official, he broke up with me and said I’m not the girl he can date, he needs someone more low-key and he could see us being very very good friends.
We live together and I was shocked and confused so we sat down and had a lot of discussions.
He said I’m the perfect partner and he has no complaints about me. He was trying so so hard to desperately make this work because he loved me but didn’t see it as a sustainable way to live for him.
But after talking we came to the conclusion that he could not keep up with the amount of activities I wanted to do each week and had been stretching himself way to thin and was stressed and overwhelmed which led to him starting to resent me. He had been trying to be the perfect partner for me and meet all my needs while neglecting his own. Which is why it seemed perfect for me.
We came to the conclusion that he was not communicating his needs to me for time alone and for rest and would not say no to me if he didn’t want to do something and that let to his resentment. he also thought he was not good enough for me when I would kindly ask for a little more affection etc. I’m good at communicating my feelings and needs to him but he is not. I said all of this could have been fixed with a discussion, and we could have made better life balance for him. A lot of these issues he agreed could be fixed if he had a WFH job like me. His job can take a lot of time and energy from him. But he never voiced that he needed more downtime.
After breaking up a week ago he started meeting his own needs and I never asked him to go do things. Since then everything has been working seamlessly and he claims the resentment he was feeling towards me is gone. And he’s finally seeing all the good in me. Since he realized he’s not responsible for all my happiness. we still get along great and have been having fun enjoying each others company and taking more space from each other to do our own thing (which we didn’t before) he said the past week has been perfect and now he’s super confused and regrets the break up.
He’d like to start the relationship again and is scared to loose me, he said he can’t be 100% certain and make any solid promises that I’m right for him as the past week has been incredible but also an emotionally stressful time for us. But he thinks it can work out.
He’s going to start therapy to work on these internal issues and learning how to not be such a people pleaser at the sacrifice of his own needs.
I already rented a new place and will be moving next week, I think that’s what’s best for both me and him right now.
I love him so so deeply and sometimes this doesn’t seem to be a big problem to me and could have been fixed with communication but sometimes it seems like a massive issue. We work so well besides this thing and that seems to be resolved in his head? If he had just spoke up I would have gladly worked with him to make sure he wasn’t feeling this way. I’m just trying to protect myself and my time. We both agreed that we have such a good connection and we’re both involved in kayaking that once that starts up with our group that we’d probably just naturally end up dating again….
Should I ever get back with this guy? Can he be trusted not to do this again?
TL;DR
My partner is a huge people pleaser and was stretching himself so thin to make me happy and meet all my needs he was neglecting his own this let to resentment towards me and he ended the relationship. Thinking we were not compatible.
Once he started meeting his own needs and we took time in the week to ourselves the relationship on both ends was working incredibly well. We have been getting along great and missing each other and everything seems so normal again. He regrets the break up and wants to try again, but I don’t know if I should.
44 comments
How many times has this happened now? Maybe you DO need to take a longer break away from each other. He may never get to a point where he can totally feel compatible with you. Staying apart for a while seems wise.
This will keep happening because you are allowing it.
Stay broken up and figure out the l9gistics of getting out of your living situation.
Nah. Leave and stop being there for him. He will do this to you again if you let him. Your partner wants you when you are no longer with him. He will drop you the moment he finds someone else.
Moving in together is like getting married and some couples just have a really hard first year as you adjust to having another person around. It’s good that you got your own place and he’s in therapy. I think it’s fine to continue on with him as your boyfriend and see how things go.
Don’t let him back to your life, if you do, the same thing would just happen again. He’s not worth your time
This sounds exhausting. He can only communicate any problems by breaking up with you? How painful for you. I would not continue a relationship with someone who could so casually hurt me.
There’s a strategy that exists (my ex did this) where he love bombed me and was the best thing to ever happen to me… then he’d break up with me for similar reasons. We’d get back together.. then he’d break up at *any inconvenience*.
Me, remembering all the good times we had, would think we’d get to some middle ground and balance out. Nope. He’d break up with me *right before my birthday* and then *reconcile right before his* (his birthday was a month after mine). He did this so he could avoid trying.
Turns out, he was just emotionally lazy and selfish, and he was *training me to drop my needs*. He only put forth the initial effort to hook me. It worked for a time, but became too one-sided after awhile.
I’m not saying you’re in this situation, but pay attention to how he reacts if you ever need him — if it starts to feel like pulling teeth for major things, like needing a ride after surgery.
It makes sense he was stretching himself too thin and stressing himself out doing so, but YOU never asked for that. It’s clear he went into this relationship with an unrealistic idea of what a relationship should be and what his responsibilities in a relationship are. But he’s also nearly thirty and he should have a little common sense. He should know himself a little better as to know what his personal needs are so he doesn’t torch a loving relationship every time things get to be too much for him.
At this point, I wouldn’t have any trust left in him. The fact that his reaction to stress is to take it out on you and try to end the entire relationship instead of communicate? How do you build a life with someone like that? I’d be terrified he was gonna dip at major life events. The day before our wedding. When my water breaks.
If it were me I’d need to take a hugeeee step back, move out, and he’d need to get some therapy before I’d think of continuing this relationship.
Honestly you aren’t that compatible. He is telling you this.
You want more affection and social activities. He doesn’t . That’s a huge deal
You need to break up with him permanently. You have been together for a year and he has broken up with you like 3 times. Fuck him.
You can bring a horse to the table but you can’t force him to speak.
>We came to the conclusion that he was not communicating his needs to me for time alone and for rest and would not say no to me if he didn’t want to do something and that let to his resentment.
The consistent pattern I see is that he develops feelings and misperceptions of what’s going on. Rather than communicate about them and resolve the issue, he explodes. Then you bring him back, talk things through, and you end up okay.
That has to be exhausting for you! You’re the one who ends up hosting all the serious discussions. You have to parse so much for him. Do you really want to keep managing all that?
He honestly sounds emotionally immature. The main problem here is that if you keep forgiving his random breakdowns, he’s gonna start thinking that he can get away with it because you always allow it. That’s a dangerous slippery slope as it can really mess up your self-esteem and boundaries. Also it’s kind of a red flag that he pretended to be someone he wasn’t for so long just to please you; kinda sounds like a Bait and switch.
I think you should go ahead with moving out and focus on yourself. Maybe it’ll work out at some point, but it just seems emotionally exhausting to deal with right now and you would need to rebuild trust.
You have zero stability with this guy. Remain broken up, and take the steps to separate *permanently.*
It’s hard to tell from this post if the root of the issue is you are truly incompatible, OR he is just too emotionally immature to handle any level of incompatibility in a relationship.
He doesn’t have the skills to say “I’d rather stay in tonight, but you should go have fun!” Come on, how easy is that!!?
I personally wouldn’t be able to trust him to be consistent after all these breakups after only a year. Someone who dumps you instead of communicating issues is not a good partner
This sounds like your his mom/therapist/sex buddy. Why would he change?
Sounds like he needs his own space both physically and mentally. If you continue to date him, do so from your own apartment and make sure you continue to fill your time with your own friends, hobbies and goals.
Maybe you will be able to make this work, but do not wrap your life around him. He has not shown you he can commit long term.
I was in a similar position as you and I kept staying “open” and trying to compromise. Now I have a broken ankle and my partner is abandoning me and I regret taking him back all those times. This will come back to hurt you at the most inopportune time. No one can change in a week You deserve better.
When somebody breaks up with you, stay broken up with.
The only way i would even consider going back would be under the condition that the next time he breaks up, we go no contact immediately and there won’t be any ~~second~~ fourth chances. You will develop anxiety over this. It can’t be good for your sanity to have to go through these big breakups and reconciliation every six months, where you are being called selfish and all those problems are dumped on you that you didn’t even know existed.
I believe that he’s not doing it on purpose but the effect is the same – he’s getting the upper hand so to speak, you will sooner or later, consciously or not, start proving yourself to him and making decisions out of fear of him breaking up again. So this has to be clear – you take no responsibility for things that you can’t possibly know bother him, he has to communicate whenever there’s an issue. And it can’t happen again.
Don’t cross that line between being understanding and being a doormat.
idk what advice you’re looking for here.
There’s the obvious answer , then there’s the answer you’re looking for.
If this is what you want the rest of your life to look like ? Cool , be at the beck and call for this dude.
But if you want to respect yourself , you won’t continue to get back with a dude who changes his mind about you so much.
I’d definitely suggest moving out and having a long time apart before giving it another chance. If he’s started therapy that’s fantastic, but he needs to work on himself by himself. It will just be a vicious cycle of misery for both of you if you go back after just a week. Because realistically, how much could have changed for him in one week?
The fact that his knee jerk reaction is to leave you instead of…talking about it would be a deal breaker for me.
I would never be able to trust him not to abandon me at the first sign of stress
He lied the entire time to get and keep you moving in together he realized the gig was up and he’s been slowly confessing it to you! It’s over unless you are willing to give up your entire life as you know it. Should you run like hell which is what I recommend people also have pictures detailing the life they live. If someone can’t prove the life then they don’t live it!
He should have done these things before uttering the words”let’s break up”
Now it’s on him to prove and show what he wants to do but don’t take it back just yet he needs to explain what he was going through how he’s going to solve it then stick to the action plan for a while before you take him back
Honestly his rapid back and forth would make me not interested in continuing the relationship anyway. At least for a while. He sounds exhausting himself and instead of being a grown up took that out on you. Break up and forgive him. Break up and forgive him. Break up and forgive. How many more times are you gonna allow him to question the relationship and hurt you because he lacks the proper communication or boundaries? Don’t let him string you on until he comes out with ‘I just found someone I’m more compatible with’ and then leaves for good?
I’m so sorry you had to go through this :/ especially if you felt that it all could’ve been avoided by a few conversations…
But I think you should claim a bit more power in the relationship and set a few expectations if you were to get back together like maybe one being that he needs to improve his communication skills & try to be more open.
Also if wait some more time maybe another 2-3 weeks and see where your guys feelings are at because I’m so sorry to say but what if you’re just more into it than he is 🙁 & he’s just trying to make work in his head(obviously he loves you so much & is probably obsessed with you) but sometimes when you have a feeling the relationship isn’t going to work you should listen.
There were stressful periods affecting his thought process but if actually communicated that he doesn’t know if it’s sustainable then he probably meant it. :,(
BUT idk maybe wait and see if he can show a bit more passion & demonstrate his love then maybe get back together?
I know it’s all so soooooo hard I feel for you, dm me if you want to talk ❣️❣️❣️
Also 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 for that amazing communication you guys really analyzed your relationship problems so beautifully.
He needs time to be single and work on his own shit. Otherwise he’s going to keep treating you like this as long as you let him.
I think qlhe will be a great friend and I personally think that’s hound be the way it stays while you look for a whole person to be with but I am not you I just think being good friends is fine it should stay that way.
Honestly, it sounds like he wants to break up but is too cowardly to be alone. So he works up the nerve, makes up a bunch of “reasons,” then panicked when the breakup happens and his emotional safety net is gone. I would run away from this dumpster fire.
I wouldn’t take getting back together off the table but I wouldn’t actually do it until he had been in individual therapy and we had done couple’s therapy.
It sounds like he is emotionally immature and doesn’t know how to communicate his needs in a relationship. It makes me wonder what kind of an example of relationships he saw. If he had one parent that ran the show and the other that never had a say, that could be why he felt compelled never to express his needs and opinions when he wanted to. Either way, until he figures that out he won’t be able to change.
I don’t think it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with him but it would definitely take work.
I think you need to make it clear to him that if he breaks up with you all willie-nillie again, instead of processing his own emotions and communicating his needs to you, that that with be the last time he will be able to break up with you. Your plan to move out sounds good, his plan to start therapy sounds good, and I think more space is what both of you need to restart something more healthy. But, this breaking up thing stops and it’s over if it ever happens again.
The thing I’d be most scared of is that he’d rather bail than even try to communicate his needs. It sounds like he really needs to work on a few things and if he can commit to that, maybe…
That guy does not sound like a people-pleaser to me at all. No I would not trust him to not dump me everytime he feels pressure. It’s fucked up.
I’d take a “break” and leave him alone for awhile actually.
All of it aside, do you want to be with someone emotionally immature that will break up with you 3 times a year and be like “sike!!” – I don’t.
Don’t waste your precious time by taking him back. He has his own problems to sort out, and you don’t have to be there to be dragged down with him. I guarantee you’ll stop missing him sooner than you think.
He may be avoidantly attached- I would look up attachment theory and see if this is in line with his behavior. I am struggling with having been at my boyfriends place too much and not having enough space. He may not even realize what is going on with him
No and it doesn’t seem like you’ve broken up at all, for him to being stuff like oh this week has been good for us to try this out. And you’re still living together. Neither one of you seems to have turned the page.
This is him saying “I will always be looking out for what might be better, what might feel right, because this doesn’t” and he’s probably too unhappy with himself to see or believe in right.
You don’t want to spend your life with someone unsure about you because men aren’t that reliable even when they’re head over ass in love with you.
Be free to be your own person and be happy that way cause thats negativity that is just not worth it
One thing I do Know——-Keep your own place. Do Not move in with him. He had admitted even Now, With wishing to reunite with You——-Doesn’t know 100 percent if he can make any solid promises. Therapy is good for him but still it is a long road ahead in which you would need to travel. No PROMISES there neither. Go slow. I could never trust him again to be this fickle Pickle. I’d remain a Good Friend and casual dating for now.
His behavior is pretty sus. Is there any possibility that he might be cheating?
Don’t. What’s to stop him from flip-flopping again?
Update: we talked last night and he said he was fully aware of all the stuff he said to me the first time he freaked out on me. He completely tore apart my personality and he admitted to knowing what he was saying and what it would do to me. He called me selfish and didn’t like how I used instagram ( I just post the hikes I go on etc.?) (not abnormal at all) So he was trying to hurt me and sabotage the relationship the first time. He’s already gone back on his word and said last night AGAIN that he didn’t know if he could date me.
I asked if there’s anything I can work on with future partners etc. ( I like to learn how I can improve) Then he says to me, I’m the perfect partner and I have done nothing wrong. He said none of this is my fault and he destroyed a perfectly healthy relationship. And that I’m an incredible person.
This man is so god damn confused.
He told me he thinks I’m vain and that I like to feel sorry for myself because I’ve “had a hard life”. Which I literally have. These past few years have been a whirlwind for me.
I kinda finally blew up on him. He’s incredibly selfish and just because I don’t act a certain way or do things the way he thinks is right it means I’m wrong??? He sounds incredibly judgemental of me and just picks apart every little thing I do.
This makes me so upset that he views me in such an evil light because all of these actions are easily explainable??
It almost seems like he’s projecting his own thoughts and feelings on to me?
Like I say I’m proud of myself sometimes and he thinks that means I’m selfish?
Sorry for the rant y’all, thanks for the advice but I’m DONE with this guy.
I tried so hard to be such a good partner and I provided that as much as I could give. Idk what this guy needs.
>he said he can’t be 100% certain and make any solid promises that I’m right for him as the past week has been incredible but also an emotionally stressful time for us
The dude is wasting your time.
>he thinks it can work out
14 months into a relationship and you’ve moved in together and “he thinks”. Time to put big boy pants on and know or ditch. This is silly. Getting a man to open up to you and tell you his wants and needs can be like pulling teeth. Go through with the move.
Sounds more like a 17 year old than a 27 year old