My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We see each other briefly between classes everyday during the week and hang out most weekends. He is a very shy person, but he opens up around me and we have good, full conversations when we’re together. That is, until he gets into these random moods. For example, today I saw him after class and I got no greeting, no hello, no anything. So I just assumed he was tired and I tried to make conversation, but it was awkward because he gave me these short responses, and if I hadn’t filled the silence there would’ve been awkward silence. He’ll randomly get in these moods sometimes—not often, maybe once or twice a month—and I have no clue what’s going on. Usually when I notice that it’s happening I’ll immediately ask him if he’s okay, but he always responds with the same “yeah” or “I’m fine” or “just tired”. I want him to know that if he’s having a hard time with something he can open up to me about it, and I have made this very clear to him. I don’t know if this short tone that he has with me is a result of annoyance with me or if he’s secretly depressed or something. And the second I want to bring it up the next day and ask he’s acting completely normal. I’m just confused. A couple of months ago, he was in this mood for over a week straight, and it continued even over his texts. I repeatedly asked if he was okay and made it clear that I wanted to talk to him and was here if he needed anything, but he kept the same excuses up. It got to the point where I seriously considered breaking it off with him even though it was only a month before our one-year anniversary of dating. I feel like I deserve clarity because I make such an effort to seek out clear communication and he doesn’t. We never argue (over serious things) and we have an extremely healthy relationship. I don’t want this to be the thing that drives a wedge between us. Any advice?
Tl;dr my boyfriend of one year and I have a very healthy relationship until he gets in these random moods where he doesn’t communicate with me and gives me short responses to everything. I made it clear that he can talk to me if he needs any support, but he always says that he’s fine. What should I do?
4 comments
It is okay to sometimes either not be in a good mood or not be interested in chatting all the time. Maybe he doesn’t have a better explanation, and he’s being honest with you. Is there a reason to assume he’s lying? Are you never in a bad mood?
Tell him that he doesn’t have to talk to you, but he also can’t just say he’s “fine.” He should use his words and say “I’m having a bad day. Let’s talk tomorrow.” Or “Not sure what’s going on, how about I text you when I’m doing better?”
No confessions or long conversations about his mood are necessary, a lot of folks hate those, but bare minimum should be some recognition that he is in a mood and needs space.
If he’s in this mood, honestly the best thing you can do is tell him “Hey, I’m noticing you’re in a bad mood. I just want you to know I’m here for you if you need me, but I’m going to give you some space since it doesn’t seem like you want to talk.” – Essentially *outcommunicating* him and putting the ball in his court, so you no longer feel the burden of this that you seem to be.
He’ll either learn to communicate and tell you whats on his mind if he wants your support – OR you’ll at least be able to have peace of mind that it’s not something he wants help with.
Some people expect others to do emotional labor for them, I’m not saying that’s what he’s doing but he isn’t willing to communicate *why he’s mad* just *that he is* and that’s only half of the work he should be doing IMO.
You’ve done your part – give him some space and prevent yourself from growing any resentment over this. Like I said, he’ll either learn the error of his ways or you’ll stop wasting your time around a grouch. It’s a win-win.
Source: Am an angsty 25YO M and learned my lesson the hard way with this. Life is so much easier when you swallow your pride and are honest. Good luck OP, hope everything is okay with him. You never know what’s going on in his mind, so if he does share please approach things as openly as possible.
Chances are he was upset about something completely unrelated to you and had to allocate the majority of his mental resources to keep it under wraps.
What to do? Well, there is nothing that can be done to get him to open up. Just say you will be there for him and mean it.
It’s common for men to be upset and not even realize it. Could be what is happening. Source: I’m a man and American culture.