Tl;Dr- How do I [21F] go slow and do things the “right way”? Nervous about having an obsessive personality when meeting people and am looking for ways to prevent this.
I feel that I have always been so consumed by people because I obsess over them. My two year relationship ended in December and I can confidently say I’m over him, so I’m ready to try and connect with someone again. At first I was over him but wasn’t ready for another relationship, and I just wanted someone to talk to. But now I’m ready to build a connection. I want to do it the “right way”.
I’m worried about becoming obsessed again and moving too fast. I’m a very monogamous person, but I recognize that keeping my options open will help me not to settle for the first person I admire. Is there any other advice I can follow to keep a good, natural pace with someone that I am interested in forming a romantic relationship with? For context, this is referring to dating-app-based dating.
I’m attracted to someone [25M] (trying to use correct terms to pace myself, “attracted” as opposed to “like”) but it’s been like TWO DAYS. I’m worried if I’m too distant that I’ll appear uninterested and they’ll move on. What’s a good balance?
2 comments
Try to think of the first two months of dating as almost like starting a new job where you are figuring things out and don’t know almost anything yet. Ask a lot of questions, get to know this person, and also ask hard questions and be honest about the answers you get and how you feel about them. Watch out for red flags and try to see beyond the rose colored glasses when someone reveals a flaw of theirs or something you don’t like or something that is incompatible with you.
For example things like not respecting your time (running late, being lax about scheduling dates) or saying mean things or treating people poorly or not having finances in order or whatever. Instead of brushing these off as “aw he’s trying his best, nobody is perfect” try to really understand what these things say about the person you might want to be with.
It does help to date other people and keeping your options open until you know you know someone well enough to commit to them.
The right pace is all up to you personally.
I think once you have had too successful dates or have stayed a weekend together it would be a good moment to consider yourself dating that person.
Before that you are just a fling or just getting to know each other.
Than from the dating stage you can start letting yourself have feelings for that person and let them know beforehand that for you monogamous relationship is very important and that you want exclusivity very early.