I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible.
My best friend, Alice, is getting married in November 2023, and has asked me to be her Man of Honour. I’ve accepted, and am very much looking forward to it.
I see as being no issues, apart from the fact that one of her friends called Bob will be coming to the wedding.
To put it lightly, I don’t like Bob, and for good reason. I was married until 2 years ago when I got divorced with my ex. The break up was brutal, and Bob had a very big hand to play in it.
During my marriage with my ex (8 years long) Bob was a mutual friend who ALWAYS put me down in front of my wife, but never when we were alone. I tried to view it as banter, but it was fairly relentless, and rude, and oddly was often centred on me being a “little girl”. He was so disrespectful and lacked social boundaries (turning up unannounced at my house at 10pm, multiple times, for example). He then went on hours long walks with my wife, and during heated arguments with my wife, she disclosed to me that Bob suggested I was abusive. During the separation, Bob took my ex in and comforted her. I then got wind that shortly after, they tried to date, but it didn’t work out. This pretty much confirmed to me that Bob was doing all the above (and more) to put me down, get me out of the picture, and to be with my wife.
I told Alice in a recent talk that I’d send a message to Bob to iron out things. She said it’s fine.
I wrote and sent to him via messenger:
*Bob,*
*I’m sure you must have heard that Alice and Steven are getting married in August. I’ll definitely be attending the event, and I’m somewhat sure you will be also. As such, I just wanted to write you a quick message to iron out some things before the wedding, just to not have any issues which could affect the smooth-running of it.*
*To give some background to this message, I am completely aware of what has happened before, during and after the events surrounding the relationship between me and my ex.*
*I am writing not to trudge up past events, but to safeguard future ones. With that in mind, I would like you to interact with me as little as is possible on the day of the event, as insignificant as it may have been. If you do interact with me, you must do so with respect and proper acknowledgment of social boundaries.*
*While it is disappointing that I have to speak of the need of respect and boundaries, you have, somewhat consistently throughout the time I knew you, shown a flagrant disregard for such understandings as a person. I am not really the type of person to tolerate such disregards anymore.*
*The same requirement of respect and boundaries extends to my partner, and pretty much anyone at the event, and in life in general.*
*I hope you are flourishing.*
*Harry*
Upon reading this, Bob called the groom and said that he wasn’t coming to the wedding anymore, since he was uncomfortable with me being there. I feel a bit bad of it all, honestly. Bob knew Alice for years before he met me and my ex. While Alice is much closer to me, Bob has been present as frequent significant events… She has said she understands why I wrote the message, but she said it was also a bit rude and demanding, but she also thinks Bob should be less pathetic and just talk to me about it all.
I’m unsure how to proceed. Can I get some guidance and advice? This is all really entrenched in my divorce, so my mind is befuddled.
33 comments
Sounds like Bob had it coming, I’m surprised Alice still wanted to be friends with him.
People need to act like grown ups … which sometimes means gritting your teeth and being polite and cordial to people you don’t like.
Bob didn’t act like a grown up during your marriage. And you didn’t act like a grown up with the message you sent him.
In future, try and be the bigger person. Your marriage is past. You don’t have to like Bob. You should try to be cordial when you’re around him, though.
I don’t think it was rude, per se, you just told him your expectations, ie don’t interact with me and if you have to be polite.
Bob is letting his immaturity show.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You just took precautions based on his previous behavior which was a great idea. You calling stuff as they are is not being rude. If the little dipshit couldn’t handle reality and normal boundaries, it’s on him.
I don’t blame you for not being a big fan of Bob, but I think the message was a mistake. It was an overly dramatic gesture and it made the wedding about you. All you had to do was just be an adult and tolerate Bob’s presence at the wedding while avoiding him as best you can.
What’s done is done. All you can really do now is apologize to Alice and admit you were wrong, and that if Bob changes his mind there won’t be any further issues from your end.
Ehhhh, I’d honestly just leave it. They need to focus on wedding planning, not drama. What’s done is done. You really didn’t say anything wrong nor rude. It just sounds like he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions.
If he does show up, both of you just need to do your very best to not make the day about you.
There isn’t anything left for you to do. Bob made his choice and it doesn’t sound like it’s ruined the wedding from what Alice thinks about the situation.
People take being forward and to the point the wrong way, & I don’t think you were harsh to Bob, just too candid for his lack of accountability.
Sounds like Bob was the “little girl” this time and melted under the consequences of his own actions.
I think your note was EPIC and deserved.
However I think you should have ran it by the hostess first.
Ooooof, that message is… something.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Bob sounds like a total asshole who had something like that coming sooner or later. And while I think the message in general was a mistake (since I agree with the people who said it made the wedding about you), Alice *did* give you the ‘okay’, so sending one was, in the end, fine.
However…
> If you do interact with me, you must do so with respect and proper acknowledgment of social boundaries.
> The same requirement of respect and boundaries extends to my partner, and pretty much anyone at the event, and in life in general.
These two parts are, to me, utterly rude. You come across as someone who percieves himself as not just superior, but who also thinks he has the right to *act* the part. The first quote hinges on the word “must” – normally, people *should* indeed act with respect, but you’re not the rule police who can enact a law that he *must* do so.
In the second quote, you just come across like someone who doesn’t want to hash out how to act around each other during the wedding, but like a teacher who decided to teach a disobedient child about life in general.
So in the end, you made a fool of yourself – because you, too, didn’t act with respect towards Bob. You didn’t treat him like an adult, but like a kid. Like someone you look down on because he has no clue how life and social relationships work. Does Bob *deserve* that you treat him awesomely? Nope, he doesn’t. But you can’t ask someone to treat you with basic respect if you aren’t willing to do the same. And the message you sent lacks respect. As such, the fact that Bob didn’t write some equally insulting stuff back but simply contacted the groom is honestly an act of maturity.
Advice
Go and enjoy the wedding. If the bride and groom are ok with it is as it stands than I wouldnt give bob another thought.
Better this happened now than at wedding.
Bob can go jump off a bridge (I never said how high)
Honestly there was nothing wrong with what you wrote. Everyone knew exactly what Bob did, you were just the only one with the courage to come out and say it.
Ill never understand people like Alice who keep snakes like Bob around, if that was my friend group I would have told them to make a choice – him or me. Frankly, the fact that I would have had to even tell them would make Me question whether they are real friends.
Hold your ground on this, if Alice or her fiancé try to lay this on you, tell them “you know what kind of a person Bob is and what he has done“.
I actually think your email was perfect, and if Bob is too much of a “little girl” to show up to the wedding and be civil and distant from you, that’s Bob’s loss.
Fuck him. You got a bit of a spine and now you want to throw it away?
You are going to enjoy yourself a lot more with that fuck at home sucking his thumb.
Bob is making his choice not to attend.
Bob is pathetic and that isn’t on you.
Your best friend invited the person who got you divorced to their wedding? You need a new friend group.
Good for you dude. Perfect message, screw Bob. Bobs a baby for running and whining about it. That’s not how a 30 year old dude responds to polite direct and reasonable confrontation. You’re justified and in good taste my man.
That’s not bad at all. Basically just a warning to not be a dick.
If he didn’t want to continue on his dick path he would have acknowledged his behaviour and gone to the wedding
Good riddance! You did well! Spared yourself and the wedding party.
You said your piece. He can not come if that’s what he wants. If he comes he needs to be respectful
Bob is going to change his mind and come to the wedding.
Bob is just being a manipulative prick and trying to turn Alice and the groom against you, just like he did to your wife.
Make sure that Alice understands everything so that she has your back.
Be prepared for Bob shenanigans at the wedding. Whether that means emotionally prepared, or if you and a couple pals are prepared to teach him a lesson in the parking lot, is up to you.
I think you note was the definition of mature and polite. You set your boundaries, and wished him well. There was nothing at all rude about it.
Bob, is choosing in his own to boycott the wedding. That has nothing to do with you.
This was way more formal than I was expecting, he’s definitely overreacting and hoping the others side with him. He didn’t tell the groom he was uncomfortable with the message, he said he was uncomfortable with you being there. I bet he was hoping they’d kick you out to get him to attend
Bravo. This is a man who does NOT take marriage or relationships seriously, and is the last person you want at a wedding. You did your friend a solid by keeping him (and the gossip that will follow him) far away.
I’d of beat Bob to a pulp…..
Perfect message. Enjoy the wedding. Whether Bob decides to come or not is no longer a concern for you.
Yeah no. I don’t understand the people who are saying you were out of line in what you said at all. Like this person literally used to make fun of you and call you a girl, I find it hard to believe that had he not been warned ahead of time not to start any shit that he’d not take advantage of somehow poking fun at you for being the maid of honor. If that makes sense. And it’s pretty telling that once he was warned to be on his best behavior, now all of the sudden he doesn’t want to go. Because he knows it won’t be as fun without having someone to be the butt of his jokes. If i was Alice I’d be fucking insulted someone I’ve known for so long would skip my wedding just because he was told he has to be respectful to someone he used to literally bully. Fuck that shit. Your message wasn’t rude. I’d just keep in mind there’s now nothing left that needs to be said, so if he tries to engage you in the future to start an argument, you’re best off just ignoring him.
And I’m sorry this is a little off topic, but I hope by now you’ve realized you’re way better off not being with someone who could fall for such skeevy and predatory behavior, who respected you so little that she didn’t immediately cut off someone who constantly insulted and disrespected you the first time it happened (or at the very least, the second time, since most of us allow for second chances), and who was so immature that she valued the attention of some dirtbag and keeping him in her life over her marriage. Like I’m sure it was a truly awful thing to go through, I’m not saying that, I just mean that I hope you’re in a much better place now and have realized you deserve so much better than what you were given and have decided to settle for nothing less.
Just let it be.
Bob made his choice. Its telling how he ran to the groom.
Just dont engage in any drama. Let Bob self destruct.
It looks like the problem is solved. Case closed.
You were far kinder than I would have been.
“Hi Bob
In order to show you that I am helpful:
You may wanna run crying to your Mom next. She is in my bedroom.”
I think what you wrote was sound and reasonable given his disrespectful behavior to you in the past. No one wants to constantly interact with someone who verbally puts them down/makes them the butt of a joke to others. If Bob chooses to not go because he has to act like a mature adult and speak to people respectfully that’s his choice and I’d tell the bride as much. After that don’t worry about it, focus on the wedding and let it play out the way it plays out. If Bob does show up, just try to avoid interacting and don’t make a big deal about it because it’s their day, not yours or bobs.
I would let it be. You weren’t rude IMO. The reality is, Bob knows damn well what he pulled, and his own embarrassment, shame and guilt is the driving power behind his discomfort.