Hi [r/dating\_advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/)!
I’m hoping you can help me out. I’ve just got back into the dating game recently. I get loads of matches online, I have girls interested in me in real life and I can get dates on a regular basis. I have a great job, lots of cool interests, a really wide circle of friends and I generally think I’m a pretty cool guy.
However, I’ve lost count of the number of girls who after the first date have said they aren’t interested. I’m starting to worry that this is becoming a trend rather than because of differences in personality/taste and I feel like I need to work out if there’s something I’m doing wrong.
I’ve never had a bad date – almost every date I’ve been on that hasn’t worked out girls have said something like I’m a really lovely guy, really cool, they had a great evening and so on – you can see that [here in my rejections](https://imgur.com/a/jGGgwdW) (this was actually very cathartic to make) – and I do think that’s genuine.
So often though, that’s followed by ‘I didn’t feel anything romantic’ or ‘I don’t feel anything more’.
Even when I’ve said that I’m not interested (and I hope I’ve done that with some grace in the screenshots but do call me out if you think I could be better at this), they’ve said ‘I felt the same way’ very often.
Ultimately, people would describe me as a really friendly and agreeable person, and I wonder if that by being naturally friendly this is seen as being submissive and ultimately an unattractive trait. But then are you supposed to just stop being friendly?
Equally, I’m rubbish at flirting and making a move, I hardly go in for a kiss or break the touch barrier, maybe due to a fear of creeping someone out or being too forward.
So my question is – does this theory sound about right? Is that maybe why women don’t ‘feel’ anything more, or could there be other reasons I’m overlooking?
All advice really appreciated and feel free to be brutally honest.
\[TL:DR\] Get lots of matches and seem to have a really good time on dates, but almost always get women saying ‘I don’t feel anything romantic happening between us’ and I wonder if it’s because I’m too friendly and that I’m not showing enough romantic traits.
6 comments
You’re too friendly and agreeable. It’s not a bad thing to have those traits but it’s not very sexually exciting. You have to be more tastefully brash. Do you struggle to make eye contact?
Modern women have completely unrealistic expectations when dating.
With that said, you need to improve upon your skills at flirting, teasing, and being romantic with women.
I hope you never talked to any of these women again who rejected you. I wouldn’t have even responded to their messages. You don’t owe them friendship.
I’d imagine if you took the painstaking time to make an imgur collage of your rejections (which aren’t even that many btw. 6 no’s aint that much) it’s a self esteem issue.
A lot of us on this sub are so insecure to have ppl like us, it makes us afraid to be ourselves. When you’re too worried about being liked, you can’t do the things that make you attractive/show interest (flirt, make moves, etc) and you’re seen as friendly, “friend vibes”, “don’t feel the spark” etc.
You have to find your balance. Don’t take this as me saying “be an asshole”, but be the person you are regardless of how you think a girl will take it.
It’s not that you’re too friendly that’s the problem. The problem is that you’re so worried about coming across like a creep that you don’t make a move. You should be flirting and at least attempting some sort of physical escalation if she’s comfortable with it. It’s on you to read the signs to see if she’s comfortable with that. Test the waters with some casual touching or ask her how she usually likes things to progress when she likes a guy.
I’m not sure how I feel about the screenshots of rejections… I get serial killer vibes? This doesn’t seem healthy to me. Try not to see rejections as a reflection of who you are.. Rejections are feedback that you may want to change your approach. That said you will never be able to avoid all rejection. Just from my personal experience, I get rejected about 50% of the time on dates no matter what I do. And 50% of the time I’m not into her either. So there’s just a few dates where things work out. That’s just how dating is. [Here’s an article for you](https://www.datingfrustrating.com/why-you-cant-get-past-the-first-date) that I think may help
The whole point of dating to find a partner is to have a 99% rejection rate. You just need one – it’s not woken have too big standards or you’re being ‘too friendly’ it’s timing and you just haven’t met the right one yet. It’s hard but you got to keep going
There’s a few reasons that may cause this to happen on a first date;
1. Outcome dependence
If you’re trying too hard and feel an excessive emotional need for the date to go well then you’re outcome dependant. When you’re outcome-dependent you’ll give off needy and desperate energy and often say things to try to impress.
This can be detected by women through your behaviour and is very off-putting or even repelling.
Solution: Spend some time reminding yourself that any one particular date is not that important and that there are countless amounts of women out there for you to meet.
Also, remind yourself of your best personal qualities and achievements. This should take the needy edge off the way you come across. It should also help to boost your confidence so that you will believe that the girl is just as lucky as you are that you have met each other.
With this, you’ll be working on improving yourself and being successful.
It makes no sense for you to be in need of a woman you have only just met.
2. Overly logical and one-way conversations
Many guys get stuck in an interview type conversation by asking a lot of boring questions when they go on dates.
This sets a foundation for a more serious and logical interaction rather than a spontaneous and humorous one. It also doesn’t help you or your date to feel comfortable, as this kind of conversation can dry up quickly and cause you to run out of things to say, which can pave the way for those dreaded awkward silences that women avoid like the plague.
Women respond to how you make them feel, not what you make them think and so all the ‘impressive’ conversational topics in the world won’t work in your favour unless you know how to make light-hearted and fun conversation. Pay more attention to the tone, passion and delivery of what you say rather than trying to come up with highly intelligent and ‘self-proving’ comments.
Women respond on an emotional level and so having a conversation where you say all the ‘right things may not move her or appeal to her in the way that makes logical sense to you.
Another mistake guys make is to talk about themselves too much and change subjects as soon as the woman has finished sharing her part of the conversation. This creates an impression to the woman and the man is both not paying attention to what she is saying and is also not interested in her view on the matter.
Obviously, this is not the impression we want a woman to have if we want to build rapport and connection with her. Part of feeling comfortable with someone is feeling valued and appreciated.
Solution: Try to be passionate about just simply listening to the woman rather than waiting for your turn to speak. This will make her feel like you are valuing her company and enjoying what she says.
Look up a book called “Second circle” by Patsy Rodenburg. This is a great book in helping you understand how to create a connection and share an experience with other people.
3. Lack of sexual chemistry
Ever had a woman say to you after a date that she “just didn’t feel it”?
Some of this will have been because the conversation wasn’t stimulating enough i.e. you didn’t make her laugh enough, didn’t talk about her passions enough, and generally didn’t connect with her at a deep enough level.
The main reason however will have been down to a lack of sexual chemistry. Simply put, she didn’t feel sexually excited by you!
This will usually be because your communication with her was more likened to a friend than that of a man she would consider as a potential sexual partner!
Women are inundated with men offering to take them out on dates, treat them like a special prize and have a ‘nice’ conversation with them. These are the kind of men women avoid as the overly friendly gestures are read as weakness and neediness…
She can have a nice and much more personalised conversation with her friends and family so why would she want to do that with a guy that she has only just met?
It’s the sexual undertone, the flirtatious vibe and the intimacy in the interaction that will dictate how much she enjoys your company. She came to indulge in man-to-woman chemistry, to feel the excitement, to flirt and to be around someone that allows and encourages her to express that sexual nature that she has to restrict and inhibit in her usual work/family life.
It’s important to note that sexual chemistry is more of energy felt between a man and woman rather than an outward display, and it often occurs on a subtle and subconscious level.
Solution: When the girl arrives tell her she looks Amazing.
4. Get physical immediately
I don’t mean sticking your tongue down her throat, but the dynamics and physical boundaries are set very quickly when you meet a girl, so giving her a hug and then linking arms right away will be a good start and set the right expectation. The reason I say this is because if you withhold from getting physical for too long it makes it much more difficult to at a later stage and if you do it sooner rather than later it also creates a setting where she is somewhat comfortable and open with the idea that you will get physical again later on in the date…
When you sit down try sitting side by side rather than across from each other as sitting opposite can make it awkward and make it seem like an interview dynamic. The traditional idea of dating where you sit opposite each other whilst eating dinner and asking questions is far from ideal as it puts both of you in a very unnatural position and makes you feel like you have to perform.
Tell your story and get the girl to tell hers and when she’s finished – Smile and say “that’s awesome” while you lean in and kiss her face.
As you build up physicality you are also building up sexual tension and desire!
Perspective: She’s meeting you for a date so she will be expecting you to lead physically and make it happen. There will (or should have been a) acknowledgement that you find each other attractive to have even arranged to meet and so this needs to be in your mind during the date.
It’s the man’s job to lead when it comes to getting physical and so you will have to use courage and go for it (often without any invitation from the woman).
Also, make lots of eye contact. I don’t think I need to explain how important eye contact is when looking to attract a woman.