Why cant i change

Hey, im 19 years Old and im quite good socially, despite that i still have bad habits and stupid things i do when social.

When i joke i talk myself Down, i am confident and my self esteem i fragile.

Most of the time i try to make jokes and make people laugh, it basically become my priority. I Can see in peoples eyes that they would accept me if i just were to be myself instead of a clown. But i cant stop being silly, people dont respect me and its because of my impulses.

I dislike myself a lot for this, because i know how much potential i had and how great i could have been had i just been myself. I cant be myself Idk why, its almost like my body does everything it Can in order to make me a clown.

I am not happy, and i do everything i Can to fix myself, it fcking hurt watching yourself ruin all your oppertunities in life just to get some attention that dosent even do anything for me. I feel cursed in a Way.