I’m 19(M) she’s 24(F) my question is: Is it immoral to let her take my virginity without mentioning it?

9 comments

1. As a general rule, “I’m not going to tell them until after in case it makes them change their mind” is not a very consensual way to behave.

   That said, I don’t get why she’d decide against sleeping with you on finding out you’re a virgin. She’s more likely to be excited about it I’d say.

2. I can’t see why that would be immoral. You don’t owe an accounting of your sexual past (or lack thereof) to every new partner you have.

   I think it’s up to you whether you want to tell her.

3. [deleted]

4. Not immoral.

   You’re not obliged to disclose your body count no matter whether it is 0 to 1 or 150 to 151.

5. I don’t think you’re morally obligated to tell her you’re a virgin. Frankly I think if you don’t tell her beforehand, you shouldn’t tell her afterwards because it might piss her off that you would hide it. I do think it would probably be “right” for you to tell her you’re inexperienced or even a virgin so she knows she can tell you what to do and isn’t surprised by your newness to sex, but if you really don’t want to tell her, I don’t think you have to tell her at all.

   I just know I would rather be prepared to take someone’s virginity, but I don’t think someone is morally obligated to tell me, and if they don’t want to tell me, I’d rather they don’t tell me afterwards because then I’d be questioning how I behaved with them and wish I did things differently. I’d rather not know if I didn’t know beforehand.

6. Yeah. But if I were in your situation I might choose not telling. Be aware she might be able to tell in the middle of the act. If that was a deal breaker for her she might stop in the middle, be mad you didn’t tell her etc.

   Years ago I would have said don’t do it, but after seeing post after post about young guys that struggle to get anyone to sleep with them, my opinion is that you are not obligated to tell for a simple hook up.

   I would say you might be missing out on some extra special treatment. These days women (especially when older than their partner) tend to really treat virgins, whereas more traditionally being a virgin was thought of as not great.

7. I wouldn’t say it’s outright immoral, if it’s strictly important to her, she’d ask. But as another general principle, open honesty and acceptance is way better than living in fear. Like you _suspect_ it could be a dealbreaker, but it might not be that big a deal. You know what could also be dealbreakers though? If she finds out you’re scared of her, don’t trust her, and feel the need to hide things from her. She also might feel cheated out of the chance to make it extra special for you. Finding out after the fact is likely to create distance.

   So it’s your info. You’re not absolutely obligated to divulge it. But it is _wise_ that you volunteer it and see where it goes. Frankly, if you lose sex over it (I really doubt you will), that’s a good thing, because now you’re free to share your virginity with someone warmer and more welcoming.

8. No but you should tell her anyway.

9. Are women expected to disclose their sex partner count before every new man they sleep with? Of course not. It’s absurd. You don’t have to tell her anything you don’t want to.