I’ll preface this by saying this was kind of a messy situation. My boyfriend and I have been officially together for about 8 months now. Prior to that, we had been seeing each other on and off for about 10 months. We had an agreement that we could still see other people but to just be honest about it. Well, during this time, he had been seeing another woman on and off- we’ll call her Ashley. He has since cut things off with Ashley and let her know that him and I are together, but this doesn’t seem to stop her.
She is constantly sending him texts in the middle of the night, talking about how much she misses him, wants to be with him, loves him, etc. she will send him memes on Instagram that say things like “I hope I’m in your girlfriends nightmares” or “I wish you’d just admit you’re in love with me” to which my boyfriend ignores..to my knowledge.
On top of that, I’ve read in their texts that she regularly speaks badly about me (saying she’s going to “beat my ass”, calling me names, making fun of my appearance) which he just ignores or asks her not to do, but she just keeps on doing Anyways.
It’s hard because my boyfriend would like to keep her as a friend/would like to be on good terms with her, but she just can’t seem to respect our relationship. I’ve tried explaining to him that a “friend” wouldn’t do that, but he doesn’t seem to understand.
It doesn’t help that while he was seeing the both of us casually, he would share with her in detail the issues we were having in our “relationship”, so she feels comfortable disrespecting me, regardless of him ignoring her.
I’m really not sure what to do, it makes me extremely uncomfortable in many ways. Him wanting to be “friends” with someone who constantly disrespects his partner and his relationship, the constant flirting, everything. I’ve asked him if she 100% knows that we are in a relationship and planning to move in together soon and he says yes, but refuses to block her or assertively tell her to leave him alone because he doesn’t want to be on bad terms with her. Any advice??
TL;DR- my boyfriend’s ex won’t stop flirting with him and disrespecting me despite him telling her to stop or just ignoring her all together. Wondering what to do and if I’m in the wrong for wanting him to block her or tell her to leave him alone.
7 comments
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The other girl isn’t your problem. Your boyfriend refusing to set a boundary and continuing to entertain this jerk is your problem. He is disrespecting you just as much as she is. He is making a choice whose feelings he cares about more.
Don’t move in with someone who is actively keeping his ex as an easy backup GF.
He’s not as dumb as he’s playing. He knows she’s not just a friend, and that this isn’t friendly behaviour. He knows what he is choosing to keep in his life. He knows he has, and is, playing you two against each other.
I mean, don’t date him at all in my opinion, but definitely don’t move in with him.
>It’s hard because my boyfriend would like to keep her as a friend/would like to be on good terms with her, but she just can’t seem to respect our relationship. I’ve tried explaining to him that a “friend” wouldn’t do that, but he doesn’t seem to understand.
This is exactly the issue. And you need to lay down the law. This isn’t about his “lack of understanding,” it’s about his behavior. He can’t hide behind the claim that he’s a moron.
He has an obligation to shut her down. If he wants to be friends with her, he has to *be friends* with her. And that means she has to be friends with him. And friends don’t undercut each others’ relationships.
This isn’t about being “on bad terms” with her. This is calling out a “friend” for poor behavior. He needs to shut that shit down.
And look, I’m a big fan of being friends with exes. I think it’s good and more people should do it. But the ex in question has to *actually* be a friend, and that’s not the case while she’s undermining your relationship.
So be very specific in what you’re asking for. You’re not asking for him to block her or be rude to her or anything like that. You are simply insisting that he communicate to her that undermining your relationship is unacceptable, and that she needs to stop doing that if they are going to continue to be friends.
And he doesn’t do that, or you dump him.
And if he does that, and she doesn’t respect it, he blocks her. Or you dump him.
Your boyfriend is the problem, not her. (Not saying she’s a nice person. She doesn’t seem to be, by your description)
He is encouraging her behavior by not discouraging it and not cutting her off.
It’s up to you whether you’re willing to put up with him, allowing the disrespect. Me? I’d walk if her friendship is more important than me.
I won’t pick my partners friends, but I will pick my partner by the way they allow other people to
treat them or myself.
Why in the hell does your bf let her text these things? He should have blocked her after the first one.
Your boyfriend isn’t setting boundaries with his problematic ex because he values her comfort over yours. Been there, done that. It isn’t worth your sanity. I’d cut my losses on this one.