tl;dr: I don’t want to drive my kids far to visit my mom
My wife (33F) and I live in the suburbs of a large city with our two girls (1F & 3F). My mother lives downtown in that city and to get to her house by car takes at least an hour. With traffic and finding parking it’s usually closer to 1.5 hours. I hate the traffic in the city, which is why I live in the suburbs so I find driving to her house stressful in general. Driving with our two young kids in the car makes it even worse. They get bored and restless and I really don’t like having them stuck in their car seats for so long. So we don’t drive down to my mom’s that often right now, which she is always making passive aggressive comments about and trying to make us feel guilty for not visiting more often.
I have tried to explain to her that I don’t think it’s good for the girls to be in the car that long (2-3 hours for a return trip) and that I also hate the drive, but she doesn’t accept this as a valid reason.
She doesn’t have a car herself so if she wants to come visit us she needs to take a bus or come up with my brother, who lives about 10 minutes from her house in the city. She has a friend who also goes on “outings” with her, that has driven her a few times.
How can I make my mom more understanding about the difficulties in visiting her? Is there something I could do better or different myself?
5 comments
If you are happy to have her visit if she comes to you, is there any way you (or she) could budget for her to take a cab or rideshare like uber? Having the kids in the car for hours is often not a fun time, so I’d be looking for convenient ways to get your mother to your place. If that can’t happen, then I’d just keep letting her know that this is how it’s going to be, and if the passive-aggressive comments get to a super annoying point, then draw a more firm boundary about them.
You can’t make her understand or change her attitude, assuming you’ve already explained all this to her. All you can do is communicate what you’re willing to do: “we love visiting you! We are able to visit you twice a month (or whatever frequency works for you), but we aren’t able to visit more often than that. We’re happy to have you come visit us any time!”
She might complain, she might accept it with good grace—either way, your answer is the same. This is what works for your family.
If she wants frequent visits, she can take the bus.
It’s awfully demanding of her to expect you to pack up two small children and all the gear they need, load it in your car, fight traffic for an hour and a half, unload the kids and gear into her house, deal with diapers and toys and feeding and naps at her house, then pack up the toys and gear and kids and load it back into your car, have another 90 minutes in the car with two tired kids, and then unload and put away everything at your house.
Surely she can see that it is easier on you and the kids if she just gets on the bus and brings herself to your home.
I don’t think she should expect you to visit her more than a few times a year, not until the kids are a bit older. Maybe for a couple holidays or her birthday or family gatherings.
Choose guilt over resentment every single time! She doesn’t have to understand if you accept that you’ll probably feel a little guilty. If you still want to try, here’s some ideas:
1. If she’s being passive aggressive, call out the message and ask if it’s something she’d like to discuss openly. Invite her to explicitly outline her expectations for visits rather than hiding behind thinly veiled comments.
2. Ask about where her needs & expectations come from. She probably just wants to feel appreciated and connected to her family, but also she might have friends who see their grandkids daily or want a closer relationship with you than she had with her parents. Once you know, you can address it better.
3. State your boundaries and hold firm.. but be willing to work with her. Maybe you can meet at a park somewhere in the middle, have video chats more often, or do sleepovers occasionally. If she isn’t willing to work with your boundaries then that’s on her!
How often do you visit her and how often does she visit you?