My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. Sometime last year when he (35M) and I (32F) were having sex, I asked him to talk dirty to me. He then blurted out “I want to fuck Ellen”. Ellen (32F) is a mutual acquaintance who he knows professionally and I know socially. I was so taken aback that I stopped the sex and left. He called shortly after and profusely apologized, saying that he didn’t mean it and he was unfamiliar with dirty talking and that was the first thing that came to his mind. We talked through it and I forgave him at the time.
He’s recently reached out to Ellen because he says he wants to catch up with her to discuss career updates and get her advice. I feel uncomfortable and triggered by this especially because he doesn’t need to speak to her in particular and there are other folks in his network that he could be talking to. He got really defensive and said he doesn’t have any intentions of crossing any lines with her and says that he feels very uncomfortable with any infringement on his freedom and that maintaining his freedom even when in a relationship is very important to him. I’ve never been a jealous girlfriend or cared about who he’s talking to or meeting with in the past, but with this one girl that he’s mentioned while having sex with me, I feel uncomfortable with him maintaining a relationship with her and feel like if I were in his shoes, I would minimize interactions with the person out of respect for my partner and restitution for my prior mistake.
What do you advice?
6 comments
I think the fact that he could talk to others about this and specifically wants to talk to her is telling. Did you point that out to him? If so, what was his justification for wanting her specifically? Also, what does he want to do specifically? Grab a drink? Phone call? Email?
My advice is tell him he fucked up and it’s his fault that she’s on your no-fly list and he has to live with that. If you matter more than she does, he will accept it and not do that with anyone else he wants to maintain normal contact with. Also, start telling him all the guys you know that you’d like to have sex with. Then tell him a few of them are meeting up with you for career advice.
Break up with this guy.
I went through something kinda familiar and my partner stopped speaking to that person even though there was no intent of malicious behavior to begin with. I respect them for it. It crossed my boundary and I didn’t feel comfortable about the interaction. You deserve that kind of professionalism in your relationship.
Oh, hell no. Not after that comment. If he doesn’t see what’s wrong, then I don’t see what you could say to him.
I’m not for control or jealousy, but nope. You were having sex and Ellen is the name he came up with to talk dirty about? He has to see how wrong that is? Would he feel the same if you had done the same?
He can do what he wants, but he can also deal with your feelings.
He definitely wants to Fuck Ellen