I (F24) and my boyfriend (M24) have been together for a little over a year now. He tells me he loves and appreciates me everyday and his actions show it too.
But I am starting to doubt it…
Our sex life is “very good” – according to him.
But he has never gone down on me. Not even an attempt. I have been respecting his boundaries and not asking for it as I assume he doesn’t like it. I brought it up once briefly. He then would sometimes finger me during sex to please me but it would last for few seconds and I always notice he would rub whatever fingers he uses to finger me on my thighs or my clothes to clean them, like right after he’d finger me, as if he was disgusted with my wetness. Let alone eating me out.
FYI, he probably had fingered me not more than 10 times since we started having sex, which was a year ago.
Until couple weeks ago, I noticed his penis went soft after he fingered me during sex. I acted as if nothing happened but that moment I was heart broken.
I went home that night feeling embarrassed, insecure and confused. I cried all night, and a few nights after that.
I know 100% I’m a very clean person and never have issues with smell or anything down there.
Now I started to feel the resentment. To the point he doesn’t even turn me on anymore. I don’t love giving him blow jobs, but I do every time we have sex because I know he loves it. I do it because i love him.
Why wont he do the same for me?
Is he not attracted to me?
Or this is normal? That most men probably don’t go down on their women? That it was just coincidence that all of my exes enjoyed eating me out?
I can’t bring this up with him anymore. I’m too embarrassed. I feel lonely in this relationship when it comes to sex.
13 comments
>Or this is normal?
I definitely don’t think it is typical or something you should expect.
You’re not being treated equally in the relationship and you’re bottling it up inside. In my experience, bottling it up over a long period can lead to that resentment, and ultimately anxiety because your body starts to know you’re settling for something that feels wrong.
Your pleasure matters in the relationship. Does he make sure you get off?
The way you describe it makes it sound like he might find vaginal juices unappealing, in general. I’ve heard of that before. And if that’s the case it’s not your fault. I think that kind of thing is actually really rare for a guy. If he has that problem it’s going to cause trouble for him in any sexual relationship.
It is okay to ask for more orgasms. It’s okay to ask to be eaten out sometimes. If he’s unwilling to find ways to provide you pleasure then he’s not worth it. You deserve that, at a minimum.
You might ask him to tell you if he has some kind of aversion to your lubrication. That could be a serious impediment to your relationship and your intimacy, to the point where he might want to get help.
Are you really going to keep forcing yourself to live in this uncomfortable situation and settle for the status quo? It’s time to take action. He should listen and work on it, or go. You can find someone who treats you better than this.
I don’t think you’re approaching this in the right way. Don’t assume anything: ASK. You’re in a relationship, you can talk about sexual desires / wishes. Best to do this when NOT about to / having / straight after sex.
First: Going soft when doing another sexual act is very normal for some men. Not an indication of anything at all. He doesn’t need his penis for fingering.
Second: If you were a woman not wanting to give head, a lot of the community here would say that’s your right to refuse. And no one can force you to overstep your boundaries. The same thing applies here. However, when gender roles are reversed, like your situation, men should always “eat pussy to be a real man”. This is of course a clear sign of double standards. Just something to keep in mind when reading other peoples comments.
Third: Communication is key here. Make sure he knows what you want by saying: “I would really love to be properly eaten out sometime soon, would you do this for me?” And if he doesn’t seem to keen on it, don’t bash, but listen to his reasoning and try to understand where he’s coming from. And also make sure he has the opportunity to understand where you’re coming from.
Fourth: if this truly is a no-go area for him (which it may definitely not be, because there’s no real conversation going on about it), but if it is: that’s of course his choice. You don’t have to put up with that if you don’t want to. It just means you’re not sexually compatible and that CAN be a valid reason to break it off. That’s up to you and how important it is to you.
Dude just ask him . Be upfront and honest . If he doesn’t like it when you clearly do , just look for another partner who will do
What you like and please you . I find it kinda hypocritical that you give him head but he can’t do the same ? Just save your time and dump him.
It’s hard to tell what’s going on.
He could also be struggling with his sexuality.
He could be stressed out.
He could have a history of sexual abuse.
There’s absolutely no way to know until you start talking to him to find out what’s going on in that brain of his.
I have dated bisexual men when I was a teenager who ended up liking penis a lot more than vagina. Which was confusing for me because they weren’t communicating it.
Not saying it’s the case, but it’s a possibility.
He may also just have hidden kinks he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing yet. Maybe these are necessary for him to be truly aroused enough to get into that primal mode and just want to go at it.
I definitely know when I’m in my pique primal mode during ovulation… I’m wild and doing much more kinky things than on an average sex day. Although my sex is usually not that vanilla. It just gets kicked up 500 notches
If he lost his erection whilst fingering you, don’t worry about that. Some guys need the physical stimulation to stay hard, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t turned on. If he goes soft I’d suggest just giving him a helping hand to get going again.
Some guys just don’t like giving head…not many, but some. I have an ex who didn’t ever go down on me and he said its absolutely nothing to do with me, my hygiene, smell or anything but he had had a past experience where he had gone down and this particular person had a taste that turned his stomach and since them he can’t bring himself to do it. I’m not saying this is the case with him but sometimes past experiences stick with you.
>I always notice he would rub whatever fingers he uses to finger me on my thighs or my clothes to clean them, like right after he’d finger me, as if he was disgusted with my wetness
Him always immediately rubbing his fingers on you or your clothing is pretty telling. Never a tissue, never his own clothing or leg, and always immediately.
Throw the whole man out.
It little boys ways find someone who enjoys eating you out
You need to separate sexual desires/dislikes/boundaries and love. You also NEED to talk to him about this. He might not be fully straight, but completely in love with you. He might be completely clueless and thing your sex life is great with intercourse alone. He might hate vaginas. We don’t know. My point is, you have to talk about it with him instead of making all these assumptions and feeling horrible based on those. Good luck.
As someone else already said, talk to your boyfriend about this. And FWIW, I don’t get wet from giving someone a blow-job. I do it for my partner because he really likes oral sex, in some ways it is mentally a turn on to know how good of a job I’m doing when he says stuff to me during the act about how it feels and his moaning. But it doesn’t physically turn me on like that. It’s likely it’s the same for your bf. My bf also isn’t a fan of fluids and wipes his hands, but he’s also like that with his own fluids so I try not to take it personally. It’s just not his thing. My ex definitely didn’t mind that at all and seemed to worship me downstairs (he used to tell me how he loved how I smell, would finger me often), but in a lot of ways, he wasn’t good to me. My current bf isn’t into it like that, but I don’t think it’s personal or something is wrong with me. And he’s an amazing partner in every single aspect so I just chalk it up to personal preference, and to me, that’s not a deal breaker. Your bf could be like this, but that’s up to you if you’re ok with it 🙂
This could be because of many reasons don’t let it get to you, it’s normal to get soft if he’s not being stimulated, if he’s adverse to fluids it could because of germs or a fear of diseases, I’ve met someone who needed a full testing for std/hiv before doing anything involving down there, he also had to use a condom for blowjobs and doesn’t like bodily fluids like cum from men and women out of fear for diseases, if you don’t like giving blowjobs don’t do it but if he doesn’t like going down on you, you can’t force him to do it either, you’ll have to either work this out between you two and talk it out/work it out or move on and go for someone who’s sexually compatible with you, if this is a dealbreaker but really don’t take this out on yourself, none of this is on you or him and you need to talk to him outside of the bedroom even if you feel embarrassed because it’s worse to keep feeling like this
Yeah, it appears that he has an issue with your sexuality. Everyone has issues. The difference is whether or not you’re willing to work through them. If he’s not willing to do what gives you pleasure, then that’s a problem. His job as your lover is to give you pleasure. This is what healthy men do, anyway. Sex is not about the man’s pleasure. He’s the giver of pleasure. He needs to know what turns you on, and then do that for you. Porn has ruined the true masculine/feminine dynamic of sex. It’s your job to teach him what gives you pleasure. If he’s not willing to learn, then that’s a serious problem.
See, for example, Laura Doyle’s “The Surrendered Wife.”
Men’s roles in intimate loving relationships with women include provider, protector, and pleasure-giver.
The fact that he went soft after fingering you is not a good sign of whether or not he’s into you. I think it’s normal.
I think u should talk this out. Me and my xGF had kind similar issue, I would go down on her all the time but when she would give me a BJ she would tickle me and I would get soft which last 2 min then she would get very upset because she would think I’m not in to her anymore, which was not true
>Or this is normal?
It is normal for him. Some dudes don’t like eating pussy. Despite what reddit tells you, there are some dudes who are not into it and won’t do it except maybe in the shower or when they are really drunk. This appears to be the case with your BF. It does not mean that he does not love you or care about you. Although a 24 year old man going soft while fingering you is a bit off and he might want to see a doctor about that.
You should not feel bad or self conscious. I believe you when you say your hygiene is not an issue. I know it is hard to believe but some men find licking pussy gross and even the cleanest pussy has a foul taste/odor. I am not saying those dudes are right but that is how a lot feel. Remember that controversy wit DaBaby a couple of years back? One of the things he did in that was pay tribute to, “Ladies if your pussy smells like water, raise those lighters”. Think about that. There are men whose best hope is that pussy is odorless/neutral.
So he is allowed to not want to eat your pussy and I am sure you don’t want to brow beat or guilt him into doing something like that. At the same time you are allowed to want that to be a part of your sex life and it is not unreasonable to want that.
So sadly I think you have to decide how important getting your pussy licked down is to you in the context of the relationship as a whole. Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate reason for relationships to end. I personally have ended relationships with women who did not give enthusiastic BJs. It made me feel guilty and I couldn’t enjoy them because it was obvious they were doing it and did not like it.