NSFW tag for mentions of online mature stuff.
I (25f) have been with my bf (30m) for going on about 4 years now, living together for two. We’re fairly equal in maturity as I’m the oldest in my family and he’s the youngest and I also have been living on my own since 18 and working full time. I’ll keep it short and sweet. I’m a little on the thick side, not fat but I’m not fit anymore due to a number of reasons causing weight gain since I graduated high school. I struggle a lot with my self image and worth and worry that my own insecurities and mental issues might be fueling my thoughts, but on occasion I find that my bf has been looking up videos and whatnot of other women doing stuff on things like TikTok. I get using stuff like websites like the hub and whatnot but something about TikTok/insta/etc and how he tries to kinda hide it from me makes me a little insecure due to past relationships and my own personal issues, like it’s more personal somehow I guess? He never messages or sends money to the women, and I’ve never had any suspicion of him cheating. I trust him fully. It just makes me feel like I’m not enough even though I try to satisfy him in that manner more than enough throughout the week.
So I guess I’m wondering, is this normal for men? Am I being insecure? I want to speak to him about my insecurities but worry that if this is normal for men and I’m overthinking that that may not be the best option. Please be honest but not cruel, thanks 🙏
6 comments
Looking is innocent. He’s not engaging which would be a problem.
You said you gained weight after graduating high school. That would mean you got together after gaining weight and you’re now four years in. You’d have to logically assume he’s attracted to you as is.
People view many different things that turn them on. Even if they don’t align with what you look like, it doesn’t mean you’re found any less attractive. No one’s holding a gun to his head to stay with you. Good luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Heal-Your-Wounds-Find-True/dp/2920932217
Read this especially the humiliation wound.
Unfortunately, I think this is “normal” behavior. In the past, I have caught my SO doing the same. And like you, it hurt me. For some reason, the Snapchat and Instagram “models” seemed much more real to me than women in porn on websites. BUT, try to remember, that’s their job/lifestyle. They likely have hundreds, thousands, of men/women contacting them daily.
Let your boyfriend know how you feel. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Hopefully you’ll be able to find middle ground.
Don’t hold back from having a conversation about how you feel. However you feel is going to be valid because it’s how you feel and no one should tell you otherwise. If it makes you feel uncomfortable with whatever he’s doing then you should definitely bring it up and you should also decide what your personal limits are regarding those issues that bother you. If this is something he’s going to do the rest of your life would you still want to be with him? And no it isn’t normal for men to be like that. Maturity and respect go a long way, neither of which seems to be the case for your guy if he’s hiding this and not bothering to check on how you feel. It’s one thing if you both were comfortable with the other watching porn, but it’s another thing when someone starts hiding stuff instead of just being mature enough to communicate.
Seeking out other women’s content isn’t respectful behaviour if it’s something you’ve communicated with him that you’re uncomfortable with.
Does he know how you feel? How does he respond when you bring this sort of thing up with him?
It’s not the same as noticing an attractive person on the street, it’s specifically going out of your way to find people to stare at.
You ought to consider that the behaviour may be the issue regardless of your insecurities. If you felt more attractive, would this behaviour bother you? Would it not still make you ask yourself “am I still not good enough?”.
As a guy we do look at other people, as all humans do compairing our selves to others. Also compairing our SO to other as well.
I try not to look at other ladies, 1. Age. I do not know that persons age, age does affect me because what if a person is underage. I am not going to be called a pedo so I usually look at a point at a wall until someone is clearly talking to me. 2. Creepy. If I think it is creepy so do others, giving people the long stare. I want to respect others, because I want to be respected.
My personal opinion is if he is looking at creators for the content they make because it is good then great. But if he constantly looking at because they are just girls then he might have an issue.