I can do the basic stuff. I can ask relevant questions, I say what you’d expect me to whether someone tells me something nice or bad that happens.
But I can’t ever produce anything original. I just sit there hoping they’d say something and my response would give them enough to go on. In groups I just sit there not knowing what to say except the occasional nod. As a result people around me tolerate me but never care if I’m there. I have no chances to socialise unless I tag along in a group, where I just sit there feeling bored and useless.
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I am on the same boat, but one thing I’ve found to help is curiosity and asking questions. Try asking questions based on what you know about a person in the group. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t sound cool. As long as it’s somewhat interesting, it works.
For example, you know a friend is into video games. Just casually ask them like “you still playing X?” or “Anything new you’ve started playing?” Things like that.
Felt this hard, and I still struggle with this feeling. Through therapy I learned that for me personally, I felt this way and was behaving this way because I was always trying to be somebody else, people I thought my peers would like because I was terrified of being myself. At one point I got so burnt out I cut off all my friends for upwards of four months because I couldn’t handle pretending to be someone else. I’m not sure if this is you, but if you’re looking for advice, mine would be to be true to who you are. It you don’t know who you are, then start finding out. It might be lonely at first because honestly not everyone will always like you for who you are. But you have the best and most authentic connections and experiences when you’re yourself.
you’re afraid to be yourself, is what it is in my perspective
im sure you have hobbies and “original” stuff to say, you just don’t feel comfortable doing so
i do this unconsciously in front of strangers, family, parents etc. But when im with friends, i just magically get social skills and become and extrovert
I think we forget that it isnt about what we say, the content is not really that relevant, it is how we feel and the vibe we are giving off. In other words, it is about quality of _connection_ not quantity of what we talk about. That is a key thing to understand too.
I have long been fascinated by the silent types that are popular. I know a few people who can’t string words together and yet they are the center of attention and everyone wants to hang out with them.
You might also find you are making assumptions about what your friends think, I suspect they like you and find your presence of benefit. You would certainly be shunned if they didnt. People are not very tolerant at all, in my experience of groups that regularily meet.
I am also starting to wonder if those of us on here looking for answers to this riddle actually don’t like small talk. It is true for me, and so while the subjects float around meaningless things I have nothing to add. but the moment someone wants to talk deeply about something, I find suddenly I have a lot more I want to say. But in social settings this rarely happens and people deliberately try to avoid anything deep.
I wonder if this is in part what is happening for you? Maybe you have a lot to share, it’s just the subjects you find interesting are not coming up in that setting? Is that possibly what is happening?
Well. Most people just talk about the obvious. Because it’s relatable.
The difference is just the confidence with which you say it. Confidence is attractive.