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[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/11iai3m/when\_my\_husband\_38m\_suggested\_open\_marriage\_40f/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11iai3m/when_my_husband_38m_suggested_open_marriage_40f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I want to start by thanking everyone who wanted to help me. I really appreciate you. Before I update, I wanted to maybe apologize for the poly people who found my post (offensive?) I don’t know but seeing that I was very clear in m post that your lifestyle wasn’t for me I don’t know why you still made superior comments about how better off you are and even making it sound like wanting a monogamous husband equals wanting an abusive possessive husband? In what delusional world are you living? You know how many poly men/women I know who are in very abusive relationships? Why do you feel the need to shit on other peoples choices to feel better about yours? What am I missing here?
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Anyway, I don’t know about my feelings. I have spoken to my husband about how I was feeling. I told him how I was turned off by the whole thing and that even if he respected my NO, something has broken inside of me and I that I don’t know how to mend it. How to find my way back. I told him that even though he would fully promise that he chosen me and the life we have together, I will always know that this is not really what he wanted. I told him that the thought of him being okay with sleeping with others, and the thought of him being ok that me, his wife, being in someone else’s arms makes me sick every time I think about it. I also asked him whether he was already sleeping with others/or have had someone in mind. He swore up and down that this wasn’t the case and gave me all his devices to check. He just wanted to try open marriage because and I will paraphrase here “monogamy worked when people died when they were 40 but now when we live till we are 80-90 maybe it wasn’t enough” I’m the love of his life and that won’t change but do we want to be exclusive for 40,50, 60 years? I asked him why he just doesn’t want to commit to just me, until one or both fall out of love and we go our separate way but he said that he didn’t want to fall tout f love. He wanted us to be together because he loves our life but also we could se other people so it doesn’t get boring.
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I told him that the life he is dreaming of isn’t the life I wanted at all. He was very alarmed and said that in that case he chose me and our family. He would do anything to gain back my trust including therapy. I will try that as last resort but to be totally honest, I think we are over. I just don’t want to throw in the towel without exhausting all options because I want to look back and know that I did everything in my power to save my marriage. I have even contemplated giving him a pass to open the relationship on his end but then I’m not sure if I could still be intimate with him and then what kind of a marriage would that be? I know this is just an update but please if you have more just hit me.
37 comments
The poly people who harassed you can go fuck themselves. You made it clear that you didn’t want this.
I think you’re done but you should try counselling to make sure. Start disentangling your finances and speak with a lawyer.
That’s the level of empathy you can expect from poly people
you should go out without lingering with him
a few years later he will propose or cheat you again
don’t waste your time, him words reflect him personality, he’s not monogamous and you don’t want to stay with a husband who won’t mind you sleeping with other men
So while it is positive that you will agree to therapy you both need individual and couples therapy if there is any chance to reconcile. It is possible he is having some mid life crisis but that doesn’t mean he gets a pass and turn your life upside down.
If you give him the pass just admit the relationship is over and get a divorce. Anything else is torture for you.
Being poly is a choice and a lifestyle. That being said, it is not something that you want. You’ve made that clear. You didn’t say anything to hurt anyone and did not bash any community. It’s just not for you. Not everyone can handle that type of relationship. I know that I couldn’t. I barely get enough time with my partner as it is. To have to share that time with someone else would hurt. Your situation is very different though.
I applaud you for being honest to your husband and to yourself. You know what you can and can not handle within your relationship and so you clearly said no. Some people would feel obligated or pressured to open the marriage which never works out and someone ends up hurt. Despite not opening the marriage he still hurt you though and it’s very understandable. He made you feel like you weren’t enough despite giving him beautiful children and what you thought was a happy life. Marriage counseling is an option as you said, but personal therapy may also help in this case. It could help you sort through your emotions better and assist you in where to go next.
I truly wish you the best in whatever avenue you choose. Just remember that you are amazing, have two little ones to help grow into even more amazing adults hopefully, and you are not unlovable even though it may feel like it at times. Be strong. You got this.
You’ll never get his suggestion out of your head.
Does he know how close to over your relationship is?
He ended your marriage the second he asked to open it.
You know it.
We know it.
And I think he knows it but is pretending he doesn’t.
I’m sorry. You can try couples counseling, but that’s only hitting the pause button to give him more time to make excuses and try to convince you to stay, which gives you more time to hurt.
The harsh truth of it is—you weren’t enough.
He wanted to find someone else.
He wanted to kiss someone else.
He wanted to touch someone.
He wanted to fuck someone else.
But not only that—he wanted you to do the same.
He couldn’t be happy in this life with just you.
Get your duckies lined up, my love.
And again, I’m sorry.
OP, if therapy is a last resort. It won’t work.
Therapy is best when it is preventative and is only really effective if it is done while you are still invested.
If you aren’t invested anymore, couples therapy won’t work.
Individual therapy might help you process your emotions so that you will be ready for love again once the dust settles.
It sounds like you have started the process of moving forward. Communicating your boundaries and what you need. That is the only important thing. Keep communicating and start talking to lawyers to make a plan.
Even if you don’t get divorced, have a lawyer and a plan on how separating would look. Sometimes separating helps people get the space to process and they can then make decisions with a clearer head.
This is likely going to be a very difficult time and I hope that you come out on the other side of this happy and able to find your peace again.
I will never understand the mentality of people like your husband who have everything, but act like it’s not enough. Can’t imagine what this does to someone mentally.
Don’t give him a pass! That’s like self-sabotage. Go through therapy and the couple’s counseling and then make a decision.
Did he explain why he decided to come up with the “open marriage” right after you gave birth? Because I found that part particularly troubling.
His reasoning makes no sense of why he thought it would be a good idea, but maybe he is an idiot. I guess I’d find that particularly frustrating because it would mean his way of thinking is not very logical and he doesn’t think of consequences?
Don’t let him have a pass. It will rot you from the inside. It will make the inevitable divorce acrimonious. Just don’t.
There are wandering lusting assholes out there. Unfortunately, you found one. He probably does have someone in mind. Otherwise, the hard no should have ended it for him. But he continued with bs excuses.
Don’t give in to the one-sided open relationship. You will just break your heart further and even traumatizing yourself.
It’s even hurtful that he’s still contemplating after knowing how hurtful it was and seeing the change in you.
Find an attorney and work out an exit strategy.
Sorry, but you already know it’s over. Counselling will only delay the inevitable. I have many older family members that are in their 70’s, married and monogamous for over 50 years, they are not bored with their lives, their partners etc.
I mean, yeah, if you’re that checked out, you’re pretty much done.
I agree with you: therapy so you have no regrets, but I’m not sure how successful it can be if you don’t want to fight for the relationship.
Yeah If I was in your shoes I’d say the relationships was over too, his excuses for wanting it are ridiculous,
I’ve been with the same man for 17 years he is the only man I’ve been with and not once have I thought hey I wonder what it would be like to take other dick 🤦🏻♀️
You need to speak to a lawyer ASAP, I think the counciling idea is great to help you gain closure of sorts, but I don’t think it will do any good giving him false hope that your sticking around.
You need to be brutally honest with the situation,
Tell him the second you mentioned opening the marriage and your reasons for it this relationship died, and I can’t see me moving passed this with you, I want to try counciling for us so I can say at least one of us tried but I want you to know that in my head we are over.
You should probably ask him to sleep elsewhere like couch or spare room, no intimacy what so ever.
Until you decide of you still want this relationship, but I think your minds already made up and you just stalling the Inevitable
I think he gave a self-fulfilling prophecy here.
Guess he gets to not be bored with the next 50 years with you OP. Is that not what he wanted?
Everyone has preferences. I believe married couples shouldn’t fuck other people. If u still want to fuck other people, don’t get into a relationship, better yet married wtf
Good luck Op.
I just wanted to ask: are you sure you’re done? Is your heart open to therapy or are you doing therapy to help you both end the relationship?
UpdateMe!
This whole polyamorous thing is strange. Not the sexuality itself, necessarily, but this behaviour as displayed by her husband.
In what world, do you expect someone clearly monogamous to be fine knowing their partner wants to fuck, or perhaps even worse, have the same kind of emotional bond with other people as with them.
From this description, it seems he is baffled by the idea of monogamy:
>”monogamy worked when people died when they were 40 but now when we live till we are 80-90 maybe it wasn’t enough” I’m the love of his life and that won’t change but do we want to be exclusive for 40,50, 60 years?[…]He wanted us to be together because he loves our life but also we could se other people so it doesn’t get boring.
If you are this clearly polyamorous, then be open about it, and look for other polyamorous people.
Therapy is good. I would not open the marriage on his end, you will most definitely be done at that point but I feel like you are already done to be honest.
We will see him here 6mo from now posting about how he thought the grass was greener on the other side and he messed that up 🤦🏽♀️. This is one of the main things about guys that scare me so much. Everything is fine then Boom out of nowhere they hit you with this shit. I cant. So sorry you’re going through this OP!!
I think that the 2 of you should look into marriage counseling and that you should look for an attorney. This way, you can hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
I will say that it is possible your husband has no one in mind but came across some nonsense online that put this in his head. I don’t know how likely that is as I don’t know him, but it’s something worth exploring if you want to spend the energy on counseling with him. I don’t know if you can ever trust him properly, but I hope that whichever path you take brings you peace and happiness.
It’s sad when when men decide their wife isn’t sexy enough for them after children. Maybe he should try making things more sexy. It’s not all on the women to keep things spicy. So selfish. I assume this would be the same type of man to get upset when his wife was getting more dates than him and want to be monogamous again.
Your husband hasn’t got a single clue how an open marriage works he has a fantasy of something that doesn’t exist. Open marriage takes lots of hard work honesty open communication. There is lots of jealousy and envy and disagreement about boundaries and such.
Ask him how he would feel if you said yes then YOU found a new love and decided you didn’t want him anymore. This has happened more than once.
I have been very close to people with open marriage. I’ve seen what happens.
Stick to your guns. He wants to change the rules in the middle of the game.
I’m a guy the thought of anyone else being with my wife would not work. Also I’m not looking to find someone else. That said I am going to ask if your husband was in his right mind at the time. Having 2 of his children and he comes up with this. I have a 7 month old grandson and a 1 year old is the best times there is. I can see where your coming from. I just can’t see where he came up with that idea. A total brain fart.
He’s lying about having someone else in mind. Get STD tested and find an attorney. He won’t let this go and he’ll just fuck around behind your back. He’s probably doing so already. I don’t understand why women stay with men like this. He’s told you who he is and he’s told you what he thinks of you and your marriage. Why would you want to be with a man who wants to spend time, money, energy and intimacy on other women?
+1 for the message in that first paragraph.
UpdateMe!
Unfortunately as soon as one person in the relationship asks to open it they have broken the relationship and it usually causes irreparable damage
He dumped a lot on you all at once. If this isn’t your thing that’s okay. It’s also okay to leave him and find someone whose values align more with yours. Therapy is great, but it’s not the magic bullet that so many people on here think it will be. There’s a very real chance you can’t go back to how things were before, because things aren’t the same. And they never will be. And it’s okay to grieve that, and to not be okay with that.
You did the right thing.
So many times we see posts of people not saying how they really feel, gking along with it for their husbands or wifes sake only to then have the relationship die because afterwards they cannot deal with it.
This way youve given you both a chance
Therapy is definitely your best option. Do not (i repeat DO NOT) Give him a free pass before you do therapy.
Get to couples counselling and maybe even individual as well and work on it before giving up if youd like to. Honestly most of the time in these posts the person who wanted it is usually willing to give up the relationship for it. This doesnt seem to be the case for your husband.
Maybe it woyld have been better for him to think of ways of spicing up YOUR sex life before even considering another sex life with other people altogether and honestly id feel the same as you. But i also agree that it may be best to make sure all avebues have been tried before giving up on your marriage as i dont think he has cheated and i dont think he realised that he could lose his marriage over requesting.
Maybe therpay can explore the motivations better and you can both find a way to not only trust him again but move forward stronger and maybe sexually one day, when comfortable or if ever comfortable again to do so, be more open to spicing uo things so life doesnt get too samey.
It can happen in relationships. Its normal. But his rewuest and way of handling that wasnt.
I wish you the very best no matter the outcome but i repeat – do not do this free pass thing and back down on your boundaries over this cause thats just goijg to kill everything if he is stupid enoufh to agree to it
I mean it’s obviously not OK for people to harrass you over this, but I mean… You’re gonna divorce him over this? You do you, but idk. As a monogamous person. How would polygamous couples come to exist if one person didn’t propose it? You said it in your first post, can you really divorce him over a suggestion if he just accepted your no and left it at that? I think you should actually give therapy a try and find out why you feel the way you feel and if there maybe is a way to mend it, so that you don’t have to throw away everything. You can still say no, I’m not feeling it anytime down the road. Just don’t make hasty decisions you might regret. I’ve been there.
Seriously, try couples counseling. This doesn’t have to be the end.
Go to therapy now. Not a last resort. Opening it on his end will result in your heart being crushed. You wouldn’t ever be able to trust him then.