I (40f) am feeling guilty because I refuse to lend my boyfriend (48m) any more money and he often doesn’t have enough for food

42 comments

1. NO, you are not being a horrible person. You are a realistic person who lives in the real world and takes responsibility for living below your means.

   When he asks for help in the future, stop giving him a fish so he can come back around and ask for a fish every day after. When he doesn’t have money, you can suggest help with budgeting (if that’s something you’re good at and willing to do) or help looking for good resources for budgeting, job searches, etc. If he would help his own means and his own ability to live below his means, he wouldn’t need you to bail him out all the time. If he doesn’t like this answer and it’s the only one he’s getting, then there’s nothing in it for him anymore to beg you to bail him out.

   48 year old former high roller who can’t feed himself dinner now. He’s set in his ways and hard to teach. Don’t enable him at your own detriment. Don’t enable him, period.

2. I feel like at 48 years old he should know better. He has a dream to do more educationally, but he can’t afford it and chooses to rent a place he also can’t afford. He’s impulsive, all while expecting others to come up with the money for him.

   I realize he was spending money on you in the beginning, but he did that because he could afford it at the time. If he had saved money and been more cautious with spending, he probably wouldn’t need to be asking everyone for help.

   The money you have saved isn’t there for him to frivolously spend. Buying food that he can cook himself I understand, but he doesn’t need to eat take out if he can’t afford it. And you shouldn’t have to feel badly for saying no. You’ll never see this money that you’ve given him.

3. No, you aren’t horrible, but your bf is reckless & is using the shit out of you. Keep your own emergency fund intact. What happens when he drains that dry & then neither of you have it? I’m sure your grownup bf can avail himself of, say, a local food bank or eat the ramen we all ate as young people when we were broken. So he’s been generous; you say you’ve lent him “thousands.” So you’re even. And you shouldn’t want to benefit if he makes more money soon, because that’ll only mean he’s blowing his cash.

4. I dont think you are being unreasonable.

   What are the longterm goals for this relationship though?

5. Give him the bare minimum to survive out of love. It’s up to him to figure out the rest.

6. Money mgmt is something that breaks couples. Sound incompatible in that way.

   >Am I being a horrible person?

   No. He can apply for food stamps, go to food banks, kitchens n cut his spending.

7. You’re not a horrible person, but I think you really need to see that this relationship has no future in which he can be financially responsible. He is 48 years old, this is who he is. He is going to continue, always, to make reckless, impulsive decisions. You would always have to be the responsible one, helping him figure it out. That is not a healthy dynamic in a partnership. (And I disagree strongly that someone suggested you just be in control of the finances…that is just you having to shoulder more responsibility while he does nothing.)

   He will continue to do things like this, in some fashion. Why? Because you and everyone else in his life always enable him, so he never suffers any real consequences. You won’t be able to build anything with this man. Can you imagine being married and retired someday and then he spends all the money you’ve helped carefully save on some new hobby or a fancy car? That’s what people like him do.

   It was good of you to not marry him, but your reason for doing so is not going to change.

8. I caution you against becoming his money manager. He prefers an extravagant lifestyle he can’t afford and he would resent you for denying him that if you became his money manager.

   Arguments over money have broken up many, many couples. If two people have very different expectations with budgeting, they are probably not going to be able to resolve it and build a future together.

9. At 48 he is not going to change. Especially if you add ADD ADHD into the mix. Add what seems to be a mid-life crisis. Nice Trifecta, eh ? Still want to be in this dance 1 year down the road? Five years ?

10. So he COULD be making money IF he gets the right kind of job etc. This kind of thinking could go on for years, or the rest of his life. A person can’t live on theoretical money. You’re doing the right thing, absolutely. And he’s put you down for not having a decree? Yet he’s in his late 40s with zero savings and is making poor decisions. Why be with someone who does that?

11. You agreed to wine and dine on his bill, so you should at least support him to not go hungry now. A relationship where one person is starving, while the other can prevent that, is fundamentally dysfunctional.

12. Well from your first paragraph you already know that you can never combine finances with him. He just makes a string of abd decisions and can’t save his money. Idk… I wouldn’t be able to trust a partner like this. He can’t be there for you when he can’t take care of himself :/ you can stop giving him money

13. A man should be self sufficient, or anyone for that matter. He should get a job and pay for his stuff, this is the basics.

14. Sounds like he should get a roommate to help pay the rent at the condo. Or sublet it / get out of the lease, and move in with his parents.

    Stop “lending” him money, he will never pay you back.

15. You are not a bad person. He is irresponsible and doesn’t have his life together at 48. That is not your problem. Flat out tell him you can’t afford to support him.

16. Stop giving him money. Fund your own retirement instead. Are you on track? Protect yourself.

17. Why are you still dating this titty baby?

18. If he was already rolling in the dough why did he feel compelled to go back to school? If it ain’t broken why fix it. Also how did working and going to school not work out? I mean I worked 40 hours a week and still sent to school full time you just have to sacrifice and have zero social life. He needs to use the degree he currently has full time and go to school if he is hell bent. If it complements his current degree field there are tons of companies out there who offer tuition assistance could he not try that route? Anyway for your purposes you are not horrible. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Your doing the right thing.

19. “I’m sorry, I can’t afford it.” That’s all you have to say. Don’t try to solve this grown man’s self-created problems. At 40 you need to think about your own savings, retirement etc., having a backup in case you can’t work for some reason.

    Just broke up with a guy not unlike this. Never lent him money but he was just so bad with it (in my opinion) we could never live together or have a future because it would drive me too nuts to watch him do stuff like empty his savings to buy a boat and then cry too poor to go to the movies (and eat food from my fridge). Nope. Grow up. I never want to be in the position of financing somebody’s bad decisions, I can barely afford my own! He was really hot though. Miss him sometimes. But nope.

20. You’re not being a horrible person.

    You need to continue to say no to lending money.

    You already know that everything you’ve given already is basically a gift. You’ll never see it again. You should be asking yourself if you’re at peace dating someone like that, regardless of what other good qualities he may have.

    It’s really sad that, at 48 years old, he has found himself in this situation, but it’s not like he was struck with a sudden illness. Regardless of his ADHD, he still made choices that directly contributed to this. And it seems in part, he choose it because he believed he could lean on you in this way.

    I would suggest you stop buying him meals as well. Instead, decide what you can afford and buy him gift cards for his local grocery store. This is how I handled, and eventually ended by brothers similar behavior toward me. I was a less attractive mark when I’d only give him “money” for eggs and noodles, and when I found him selling the gift cards for cash, I was able to cut him off without remorse.

21. You’re not married. You don’t owe him anything. Ans also I let my husband do that to me a long time… Guess what? He left me. And didn’t pay anything back. Never allow a situation where you can end up screwed.

    He needs ti sign up for door dash. He needs to let his place go and rent a bedroom instead. He needs to look into grants etc that are available to him. This shouldn’t be your problem and that’s unfair as hell.

22. Girl he’s nearly 50. Let him starve.

23. I have ADHD as well and I didn’t bankrupt my partner (or any partner I’ve ever had) or drain his bank account. I didn’t even borrow money when we were dating. I have another friend with ADHD and she has also not bankrupted her partners, so here’s two people as a counterexample. This is not just an ADHD thing, this is a your partner thing. You are not being unreasonable to not loan him money beyond what you have already, since he’s neither spouse nor immediate family.

    I have also gotten a degree (and a second one!) with no help from my parents and I took out loans and got scholarships to supplement my part time job. Scholarships and grants are often available to nontraditional students who return to school, and if he is working as hard as you say he is, he may be eligible for merit-based and need-based awards as well. If he is a graduate student, there are fellowships and teaching assistantships that may be available. There are many avenues that could help him without you having to go bankrupt. Has he filled out a FAFSA? Sometimes loans and work-study are a necessary evil.

24. >Another source of irritation is the fact that he has, in the heat of arguments before, kind of put me down for not having a degree. So sometimes I don’t really feel like lending him money that I make at my non-degree-requiring-job.

    Nobody’s really talking about this part, that would have me backing out and moving on.

25. I dated a guy like this… run. Money isn’t the only thing he lacks maturity on, trust me. This is basic logic of living type stuff he can’t handle, and it’s not going to get better.

26. I can’t believe he is even asking you. It’s so unfair. His schooling being SO IMPORTANT to him doesn’t matter! Having a new car would be SO IMPORTANT to me but I can’t afford to ! Having the music studio of my dreams would change my life but I can’t afford that !!!!!!! Like how is it fair just because of how strong he feels about it. Because it’s education? He isn’t 19. It’s a luxury for him to go do extra schooling at age 48. It’s wrong of him to ask you, his family, etc to help him do this. Like, why???? Is he a single mom trying to get through cosmetology courses so she can have a more stable life for her kids ??? No! Like wtf it’s making me so mad lol he sounds like he thinks he is the main character.

    Every time he asks you , you should put that amount of money into a savings account or an ibond or something and don’t touch it for years or something so YOU can be the one who pays yourself back for having good boundaries.

    I’m not saying don’t marry people w ADHD, I get why we can be awesome lol , I have ADHD (but not these issues w money) but you have to look at how this impacts you, your future, your potential retirement/housing/etc savings you could potentially be creating…. and without accommodations like a money manager, you two will always fight about money. And you might anyway even with that. You’re not mean , you’ve been wise. Don’t enable him.
    .

27. You’ve given him so much money already! It should stop here—no more “loans” that he’ll probably never pay back.

28. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

    If you do then I would suggest pooling your resources and cover each other financially.

    If you don’t then split up.

    I always felt a partnership should be just that, a sharing of everything.

    Please note I am now single and feel like a 50/50 split wasn’t fair after all partnership was supposed to be for life not for splitting up later and 1 party taking more than they contributed. So please take my opinion with that caveat.

29. You’re enabling him to take it easy and you have taken the pressure off of him. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet and stop sponging. I was in your situation, I was M55 she was F45 and we lived me in the UK, her in Cyprus, and we had a pretty good long distance relationship. The first loan was for business reasons so I lent her money which she paid back, then another loan where she made a couple of payments then stopped paying, then another series of loans through covid, and finally a loan to help her “get back on her feet” which she swore she would repay.
    Guess what, no repayment for that one either although I stressed that I was struggling and really needed her to pay the money back quickly. I carried on struggling and she would ask for money so she could have lunch out while I sat indoors in the UK on my own. Enough was enough and I gave her an ultimatum, repay me or GTFO, she chose the GTFO route and that was that.
    You cannot keep giving, especially when he’s 48 years old, my advice is to cut your losses and say goodbye before he costs you everything you have. When you have no more to give I can guarantee that he’ll be moving on!!!!

30. At this point, giving him money and covering his expenses is enabling him. He’s 48 years old and broke because of his own choices with easily foreseeable consequences. The only (slim) chance that he will ever change his ways is if he actually hits rock bottom. Right now, every dollar you give him is you subsidizing his terrible decisions and insulating him from the natural consequences of his behavior.

    It’s very likely that he’s going to continue living above his means no matter what his means are. Stop sacrificing your own security to help him do whatever he wants with no thought to the outcome.

31. So rather than go to school part time and work full time he’d rather be broke and go hungry? This isn’t a person I would continue to date, he sounds reckless and then expects others to help him out, when he should be able to do it himself.

32. dump his broke ass. almost 50 and using his girlfriend like an ATM. Come on honey at your age you should know better

33. Why aren’t you dating a grownup?

34. That’s not a boyfriend, that’s an adult-aged dependent.

35. It isn’t your place to pay for his impulsiveness. Who’s to say that if you do support him, he won’t leave you the second he starts making money? So no, I would not and further, I would make him sign a contract promising to repay all that you have given him in case he is using you.

36. Why can’t he get whatever part time job until he gets a part time job that’s in his field? It would concern me that he’s more comfortable taking from you than doing something her perceives as beneath him

37. You’ll never see that money you gave him that you worked so hard for,as someone who works hard for every penny,his attitude wouldn’t fly with me, I’m sorry this happened…he’s old enough to live in the real world with the rest of us, maybe you should cut your losses.

38. Taking a step back and removing the emotions, he has needed to learn better financial management for a while and has refused. Now that he is in a position where he needs to be very frugal, he still isn’t looking to change but to get money from somewhere other than himself. By not helping you are putting him in a spot to learn. He’ll hate it but he needs to change.

    Don’t keep using your future to fund his current habits.

39. Honestally I’d drop him. He’s not even trying to downsize the house and car to reflect him! He just keeps borrowing which isn’t a good thing to do

40. You have to decide if this is the man you want to be with. If I were you and he’s someone that I’d want to marry, I’d make dinner and invite him over for dinner every night. It’s easier to make money stretch to make meals instead of buy people food. Is he someone you’d want to live with you until he graduates? If I lived and wanted to marry him I’d tell him to stay with me.

41. QUIT FEELING GUILTY!!!! He made his choice and now he gets to live with it. Borrowing money off anyone so he can NOT work is just him being irresponsible and at his age jobs aren’t going to be jumping at the chance to have him. He’s the age that unless he’s amazing he gets let go. He needs to go back to work. You need to find someone who is responsible with money.

42. He sounds completely ridiculous. Like, just an absurd joke of a person. Imagine anyone else describing this situation to you – your best friend, your sister, your cousin – talking about dating a guy who’s almost fifty who quit his lucrative job with no savings to go back to school with no means to support himself and no attempt to downsize, who’s borrowing from everyone around him the money he refused to save for himself.

    He has all the tools he needs to support himself. He just doesn’t want to use them. I sympathize with his condition and his desire to change tracks but if he’s so impulsive that he couldn’t take the incredibly basic steps to prepare for this move then he is not adequately managing his condition, and that’s on him. You gave him all the right advice and he rejected it. He had many opportunities to avoid this and he ignored them. You are not obligated to keep pouring money into a leaking bucket.