I (24M) need advice on my (23F) ex girlfriend.

We had a few arguments that got out of hand because I was drunk and an asshole. The last one I got loud and so did she and it ended with me walking her out of my house while she waited for a ride , because ei was so messed up. I ended up letting her back in but it was when she said the other day “how could you close the door on me when it’s cold out if you love me – like who fucking does that” and it’s true. I messed up and trust me I haven’t been drinking since and I have been in therapy since. It was a month ago. During the last fight, we were both fighting loud so I had her wait outside for her ride because I just struggle with conflict and I needed it to stop. No excuse but yes I’m getting therapy and yes I have stopped drinking.

Then we hung out and took it slow for the past month, everything was great getting better started saying she loved me again etc. then we had sex and she said that she didn’t feel the spark and it made it worse. she said that – which is probably because she hadn’t forgiven me yet. And the night after we had sex she said things like I thought you were going to be my husband, I can’t let go of you, I want you to be my husband some day.

So we started not talking. And this is gonna be wild, but we follow each other on Spotify, so we can see what each other listens to. I saw she began listening to the same song I was – “I’m sorry” by Blake Shelton. I thought it was a little odd, so then I played “I miss you” by blink-182 and immediately she played “miss you more” by Adele. So I played I love you by Billie Ellish , she plays the same. I played “is this goodbye” and she played “not forever”

Fast forward 5 days, I collapse and text her. She admitted to the Spotify thing and said “idk why I did that”. Now she is saying she doesn’t know if she can be with me again, she’s still loves me and isn’t over me. Then will say it’s over, then said I can’t give you another chance right now, then said I can’t forget everything, and even said I don’t know if I can be with you again and I’m so sad but I’m letting you go. She also said “you left me outside in the cold for a little while. If you love me why would you do that – like who fucking does that”

However, before this she didn’t know if she was taking this space to move on from me or think about things to talk about being together again. This was before she said the above…. Then when she said the above I said what about what you said last week and she said “I didn’t know there was a timeline”.

So I ended up sending a really long apology … etc. I’ll include it below if you want to read it. Anyways, I blocked her on everything because of it. After I did, I saw she blocked me on Twitter. And this morning my friend said “you look weak blocking so unblock.” So, I did…. And within an HOUR she unblocked me on Twitter?

Just a note, outside of these three times we never had issues. It was always so good between us, high chemistry etc. I just need to fix myself right now.

Can someone help me with this or give me a suggestion on what is happening?

Here’s the text:

Look, this is long… read it or don’t. This is my feelings, my mind, my body speaking. And If I could sum my feelings before I say goodbye, I guess this would be them:

Although I take full responsibility for how I acted when I was drunk, I needed help. I needed someone who was willing to discuss those issues, and try to compromise with. It meant a lot to me. No my reaction wasn’t good, nor will it ever be acceptable, but like I said I am sorry. I know you can’t forgive me because if you could, this situation would be different. In time, I hope you accept my remorse.

Through therapy, I discovered it’s very hard for me to not be acknowledged, when I was young my opinion was always belittled. Then when I was a teenager, my friends did the same. I truly bottled it all up, but now am finding ways to circumvent that.

I am struggling really badly with letting go, because I feel there is an underlying issue that we just never discussed – being those situations. I get it if you needed time (now), but now I know we may never have that conversation. And it aches my heart entirely that we have ended, and we aren’t giving it a second chance. I feel we have something that doesn’t happen often, but it could also happen again (with someone else) which is what I know you’re banking on – and that’s fine. I fucked up, but I will probably never stop asking myself “what if”.

When I first told you I loved you, I meant it. I know love is crazy, hurtful, amazing, etc. but love to me will always be a learning path. I hate starting new because I give everything I have to that person, literally every last fiber in me. I’m sorry I had those three out bursts, and it destroys me I’ll never get a second chance with you. That’s also why it’s hard to let go though – because I am always open to making myself better especially for not only myself, but the person I love because that’s how much I cherish them. And above all, I lose my utter best friend. My best friend in the whole world is gone. That gives me that heavy chest and just cry feeling. The worst feeling possible. Because I don’t want to lose my girlfriend and best friend in one shot. But I guess that’s how it goes.

I know we’ve only been together for a short time, but it felt like a lifetime of happiness. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, I’m sorry for the things I have said, I’m sorry for acting the ways I did and I’m sorry if you are hurting too because you don’t deserve that. I wish I had one more chance with you, because I know I messed up – but I understand you don’t give them. People break trust. Just know, I would never do that to you because I mean everything I say when it comes to being better.

I just stick by the ones I love, and I always try to help them. Because that is what love is to me. It’s about learning together, growing, and working together. But thank you for everything. And like I said, if this is goodbye, then goodbye <her name>. You’ll always be my best friend.