Coming here for some advice and I’m open to all opinions.
Me and my fiancé have been together now for 7 years. She isn’t as sexual as I am. She’s okay with helping me release but just doesn’t have the want to have sex. This has been an on going thing for a few years now. She says she just isn’t that sexual anymore and doesn’t need sex that often but for me its about intimacy and satisfaction and sharing yourself with that person and I do have a very high sex drive but even when she helps me release without sex just doesn’t feel as intimate. She will give some love and affection during the day but says I shouldn’t ask for it and that’s my issues is am I in wrong for wanting to be intimate and more affectionate?
7 comments
I think you should give her some time because if you bore her with too much sex you’ll miss her
Is penetrative sex the only way for you to feel that intimacy?
Is your wife against other forms of intimacy and affection? Like cuddling or words of affection.
You’ve said this has been a thing for years. Maybe you two are not sexually compatible, and that’s okay.
If this is a cool down after you guys have previously been compatible sexually, there may be something missing for her.
Have you been doing what you need to create emotional intimacy between you and your partner? I think for some women, when we don’t feel that emotional intimacy. It’s harder for us to become sexually intimate.
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You’re not wrong, divorce her and find someone compatible
It’s not that you’re “wrong” to want what you want.
The problem is that your fiance (wife? I’m confused since you refer to her both ways) doesn’t want what you want.
You can’t “convince” her to want more PIV sex any more than she can convince you to want less. You two have different levels of desire and neither of you can will the other to better match them.
Ordinarily, I’d give some standard advice about how couples can bridge these gaps, yada yada but your situation is different for at least two reasons:
1) It seems to me your partner is going several extra miles compared to most people. She’s happy to help with “release” even if you don’t find that sufficient but honestly, that’s more than many LL people offer their partners.
2) You two have already agreed to open your relationship, thereby providing you with a different means to find sexual intimacy that the vast majority of people in your situation do *not* have as an option (b/c they’re in strictly monogamous relationships).
I’m not saying “stop complaining, you got it easy!” because that’s unfair to you and your feelings. But you should realize that your partner is already *at least* meeting you halfway, if not more.
If that’s not good enough for you — and it’s ok if it’s not — then you should face the reality that this relationship simply won’t sustain the level of sexual intimacy you feel like you need.
But just in case this is useful I’ll still also offer the usual advice I would to others:
A couple with different sex drives is very common but that difference can be hard to resolve without a ton of work, patience, and most importantly, mutual commitment.
Keep in mind: in most cases, it’s neither person’s “fault” that their libidos are the way they are. Libidos often can and will change over the course of a relationship (let alone lifetime) and the odds that two people will always be in synch are really low.
So what can you do?
Establish how important sex actually is to both of you in the context of your relationship, i.e. you ask “do we both agree with we want sex and sexual intimacy to be a core part of our relationship?”
Let’s say you both agree “yes, sex is important to us.” So the next step is for the two of you to talk through, “what can we do together to create a fulfilling sex life that doesn’t starve one person or flood the other?”
Basically, you start to figure out what realistic compromises look like. There can be all kinds of things couples can try out but just so there’s no illusions here, the goal isn’t for each of you to get 100% of what you want, it’s to find a middle ground that sustains your relationship in a meaningful way.
(Note: as I was saying above, I feel like your partner has done a pretty good job of trying to find that middle ground but maybe I’m overestimating how much she’s really done here).
It’s really not just about “how often do we have sex?” even though that’s an easily quantifiable mark. Sexual intimacy can be achieved through various approaches that aren’t just about PIV or oral or whatever. If both of you are in this together, then you can get creative with thinking about what other kinds of intimacy may help keep that spark alive without it being the same kinds of sex you typically have.
This all starts with agreeing to work on this as a couple. If the two of you can’t agree on that, well, that’s a pretty irreconcilable difference that could lead to the dissolution of your relationship. That’s a possibility that all couples have to take seriously, and not shy away from if it’s what makes the most sense. The alternative is being stuck in a relationship that gets increasingly undermined by frustration and resentment.
I highly recommend “[the dead bedroom repair manual](https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ)” by Melody Parker, who is a psychologist that gathered a lot of her information on couples, dealing with sexual mismatches, by being on Reddit!
you’re not wrong in wanting sex in a relationship. an hour ago, I told my wife if it doesn’t change soon.. I’m out!!!
if you need a sex and she can’t give it to you then your marriage will be not full. you need to try to fix its first, but live unsatisfied not good idea.