It’s driving me crazy and I don’t know how to get him to stop. We’ve been together for 4 years and he’s literally always done this. We’ve talked about it many many times but it seems like he truly can’t stop.
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I’ll give the latest example. This morning I told him about a couple of MINOR issues I was having (one with my mom, one at work). Both minor issues. We talked about it, he gave me his opinion.
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Later we went shopping and his bank card was locked because he apparently entered the pin incorrectly. I told him, no problem…let’s just call the bank and they’ll reset it (he’s done this before). While waiting on hold on the phone he’s having his usual stress meltdown. Muttering, swearing. I’m used to this and I felt a bit of anxiety because I KNEW what he would start doing.
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He started telling me that I’m totally wrong about everything. That my thoughts about the issues with work and my mom are TOTALLY WRONG. I told him that’s fine, they were just minor issues and I didn’t really have any firm thoughts about them anyway. But he just kept arguing that I was WRONG in my thinking. Then immediately jumped to asking me if I did X, Y and Z that he had asked me to do. He literally just asked me to do these things this morning so no, I hadn’t gotten to them yet. So then he starts going on about how he needs someone who will help him, act as a team, blah blah blah.
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I realize he’s ONLY doing this because he’s stressed in the moment. And he truly doesn’t seem to be able to control it. He gets so stressed over the most minor things that are easy to fix, and he lashes out at me over anything he can dredge up in that moment. As soon as the issue is fixed (in this case they reset his pin) he’s back to normal and being loving.
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But I find it to be a total turnoff. In fact I’ve found myself becoming less attracted to him because one of my hacks is to try to view him as a scared little boy having a tantrum when he starts this shit (to avoid getting mad at him and arguing and trying to defend myself over nonsense) but that’s backfiring into me viewing him that way all the time. Which isn’t sexy LOL.
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Do we need therapy? Does HE need solo therapy? I don’t even know what this behavior would be called but I’m very open to hearing anyone’s opinion on how to help live with this.
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tldr: boyfriend has meltdowns over minor issues and then starts blaming me for weird things in the heat of the moment.
5 comments
Well for that communication issue, when you talk to him about problems, are you just venting or do you actually want his input? In my experience, *usually* women want someone to listen to their problems, and as they put it into words they work it out by themselves.
If that’s the case, sit him down and explain that you’re just venting to him as a trusted partner.
As for the other stuff…does he have ADHD? Does he smoke a lot of weed? I’m just curious…I’ve seen other guys act like this, and those two issues are a common thread in my (anecdotal) experience.
First step would be letting him know that he does this, if you haven’t yet. Acknowledge that you know it’s only because he’s stressed, but that it still hurts you. It may help to think of what exactly would help YOU in those situations, and communicate your solution, or ask him how to approach it (e.g., “when you start doing this, I feel it might be best if I physically distance myself”, “what can I say when I notice you doing this?”, “Is there anything I could do when I notice you doing this?”, etc.) Sometimes talking about the issue is all it takes.
If it persists, then you may want to start mentioning therapy. Solo or couples could be beneficial; I’d just encourage whatever one he seems more comfortable with.
Have you talked with him about this behavior in a calm moment? Used “when you/I feel” statements and all that? Does he understand/agree that this is an issue that he can/should work on? Can he identify what he can do instead, or have you said what you will do?“ If so, then in the moment, rather that avoiding dealing with it by using your “hack,” you can directly remind him, “Hey, you’re doing that thing again. Can you (do your deep breaths, or whatever the strategy is)?” Or, “Hey, you’re doing that thing again. I’m going to step away and give you a little space. Come get me when you’re ready.”
He’s abusive. Nothing more to say. It’s up to you whether you want to live that way.
If you have genuinely talked about it and he agrees that it’s a problem then he may agree to therapy as a next step. However, this just may be who he is. If he won’t fix it, and you’re always walking on eggshells around him waiting for the next stressor to bring out the worst in him, then you need to decide if you want to live with this emotional abuse.