I (m32) have been married to my bff and soulmate since 2018, together since 2016.
I love my wife. And I completely get where she’s coming from when she tells me about the issues we have had the past couple years regarding our marriage.
I feel like I have bad habits from my 20’s that developed over just being generally free for the first time and not having been taught how to be a proper adult. I just winged it, I didn’t do bad. Graduated college. Found my wife and fell madly in love. I felt like I was doing great. But now I’m having trouble stepping up to the responsibilities and expectations of a 32 year old married man.
I have nothing or no one here really to blame but myself. I make excuses of working a lot or being tired as to why I don’t help plan meals, or plan activities. When really I just feel a little lost on how to take action.
I’m wondering if any guys here have had a similar situation. Gone from not stepping up. To making the changes and how they went about doing it. What material did you consume? What sorta advice would you give to someone seeking help becoming an “adult” who wasn’t taught before they had to be one themself.
I just don’t want my wife to feel like my mother anymore, and instead feel all the love I have for her.
17 comments
Premarriage and marriage counseling even before you have major issues. It helps prevent small issues from becoming big ones.
I am not sure what you are missing with “proper adulting”. Can you give examples?
Most common struggles I see in men:
Taking ownership of the house chores and asking for patience and forgiveness if I “do it wrong” because maybe it wasn’t done that way in my family of origin. Quickest way to make anyone gain resentment and stop doing something is to repeatedly tell them they are doing it wrong.
Cut back conversations with female friends and never put any friends above your wife unless they are having a life or death emergency. If my wife needs me to stay home, I’ll cancel game night. This only goes so far, though. Wives shouldn’t rely on you as their only source of entertainment.
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts is a great book on relationships. Ignore all the Jesus stuff if you want it’s got some solid advice.
Bonus points if you can help a man deliver the same message to his wife.
You’re not doing wrong. You have an education and a job. But I think I see what you need.
An older Nike campaign is “Just Do It.”
If she wants you to plan meals, look up a cooking website and try one. Just do it.
On Wednesday, schedule a calendar reminder to plan your Friday, just do it.
It’s funny, the initiation of doing something requires effort, but the actual doing is usually pretty easy.
Make it a habit, make it a hobby, just do it.
The mental load is a large part of things to consider. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, paying bills, etc should not all fall on one person’s plate to have to remember, even if they’re not the one actually doing every one of those.
If you don’t know how to do something, Google, YouTube, reddit are all there. Same way you’d look up how to do something you’re interested in (stereotyping here, but maybe automotive or diy projects).
The thing I like about planning meals is that I can now choose to cook all my favourites. You can get a list of your wife’s favourite meals & learn how to cook them. If the washing basket is full do a wash (just separate the darks from lights & do whites separately. Don’t leave dirty dishes on the side. It takes a moment to wash & drain dry. Also let her know that you appreciate all she does for you & actions do speak louder than words. Little things build up into big things, that works both with good & bad. Work on the good.
Is your marriage actually in real trouble over this or are they just general improvements you want to make? There’s not a lot of specifics other than you don’t plan meals or activities very often.
This is where a good therapist is worth their weight in gold.
Read this: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ and as /u/KingNewbie said, just step up. Don’t ask, do.
Women are attracted to men who lead (sexual interactions, planning things to do, planning meals, being decisive etc). This is an undisputed fact.
To add onto this as you’ve mentioned, she feels like she’s your mother. To any woman, this is unbelievably unattractive.
Good news is, you can turn this around. Don’t think, just do it. Plan meals. Plan activities. Be decisive when she asks you something.
Over time, you’ll notice her attractiveness toward you coming back.
The key to a healthy relationship is to do half the work. But here is the thing, you don’t have to do the same half of everything, but half of the total. For example, if cooking is not your thing and your partner doesn’t mind it then you have to take something else: clean the house instead. Both of you should feel like the other has contributed half overall. I rarely make dinner unless it’s bbq season. But I make breakfast every weekend and do the house repairs and kid driving. No one complains that I don’t make dinner because I pick up the slack elsewhere. As long as you both agree on your halves.
In addition to others saying to just do it, maybe communicate with it wife about her expectations. Is she looking to you to do laundry? Pay bills? Deal with dinner every other day? She cooks and you clean up? Have that conversation – and revisit once in a while to make sure things haven’t changed – but now you have a list and you can plan for it. You’re not a mind reader, like a lot of guys you probably want clear marching orders before you “just do it”. This way you’re meeting her expectations as well.
This book will help you https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating/dp/149045151X/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=466bb427-9bf3-432c-a89f-c3909d3be92a
Keeping a schedule, if you don’t already, and scheduling “chore time” will probably make a huge difference. Most of the people that struggle with this stuff have the notion that they should be able to whatever they want with their free time. Chores and relationship stuff get pushed to the side. Do that stuff first.
Regularly thank her by saying stuff like, ‘ I know doing xyz is a pain in the ass thanks so much etc’ also point out stuff you do that she doesn’t notice, and notice stuff she does that you never noticed, and say thanks. Make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, valentines etc. That carries a lot of weight throughout the year. And build trust, my wife used to control a lot of things but it’s shifted gradually over the years as she’s happy to worry less about certain things
> I just don’t want my wife to feel like my mother anymore
Perfectly stated.
Change has to come from within OP.
How many kids do you have?
Clean pot/plates immediately after making dish.
I’ve been working through the book *Equal Partners* by Kate Mangino, it’s been really helpful for identifying areas where I need to improve and methods to do it.
Props to you for your honesty with yourself in this post, by the way.