I have a great platonic relationship with my husband (64M) after 40 years of marriage.
Since the beginning of our marriage he has never brushed his teeth. I have mention several times over the years that I find this disgusting but he sulks and ignores the conversations.
We now have a little money so I asked him again to go to the dentist. Maybe have the black, broken teeth removed and have dentures. Again he went silent, got stroppy and then ignored me.
I told him I have had enough, that I have compromised a lot over the years, especially with him refusing showers (no bath). He showers once every couple of years.
I said if he doesn’t go to the dentist and improve his hygiene then I will leave him. His response was that I am being ridiculous and he wants to know what my ulterior motive is.
Today he has not come out of his bedroom and sat in the dark all day.
I am 60F and don’t know what to do.
TL;DR! Am I being ridiculous?
10 comments
Yes, it’s completely ridiculous to tolerate someone else’s abysmal hygiene for FORTY FUCKING YEARS are you serious with this bullshit?!
God I hope this is fake. I can’t imagine valuing myself so little.
You tolerated him for forty years…why the sudden change of heart?
It’s a lot to ask, you know, for someone to immediately and fundamentally change something they had every reason to believe was a non-issue for decades.
I can’t believe now…now after 40yrs with him basically being a pig you’re considering leaving. You should have left him long time ago. And ATP in his life, there’s no changing him.
Your husband is chronically depressed and needs treatment. Why you put up with this for so long is a question worth pondering.
> 2 – only showers (no bath) once every couple of years
Bounce. If you have the means, straight up leave. Anything is better than rock bottom.
NO SHOWERS BUT EVERY FEW YEARS??? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH HIM.
Look, I’m country as fuck. I left rural life and work in IT but you can’t take the country out of the boy. You still clean yourself if you are in the country. You can bathe in a river or a lake with some soap. It’s not hard.
I will ask you a question, and this is probably a much larger question that you have to ask yourself, but why would you tolerate this for so long?
My basic assumptions will be abuse, trauma bonding, or codependency, but my assumptions are my own.
I think the larger questions are things you should be asking yourself.
Aren’t those signs of depression?! OP, your husband is way overdue for a mental health consultation.
No, you aren’ being ridiculous. I’m amazed you’ve lasted this long. There is no ulterior motive. You’ve had it with his lack of hygiene.
There is a direct line from gum disease to heart disease. Google the information. Print it out. Leave it laying around for him to pick it up and read. Unless going to the dentist is his idea, he wont go
He has some form of depression due to his lack of hygiene, I say this as someone who has suffered with both (the teeth for years, not so much the showers). Medication helps a lot. I would recommend seeing a therapist to talk about his hygiene and other things he may be struggling with, they can assist him in getting the medication he may need and also help him be in a better place mentally.
You definitely deserve better though, and I am honestly unsure whether to applaud you or feel bad for you for being able to tolerate this kind of behaviour for 40 years.
If this is for real which I’m sorry I have a hard time believing BOTH of you are ridiculous. Him for his behaviors and you for dealing with it for 40 years. Come. On. Now.