Hi, I went for a month to St. Louis for my PhD, and met a lot of nice people in the University. First time in the US (I am from South America).
Two of the people I met were americans in their early 30’s (one man one woman) who were really worried about marriage. One had a boyfriend, was not convinced she didn’t wanted to marry him but feared it would be “too late” if that relationship didn’t work. The other was freaking up because he wanted to be married at his 30s and that didn’t happen. The rest of the americans I knew were already married, even when they were not 30.
Them and all other americans I met found really hard to understand why we don’t marry. Here marriage is not common among people o my generation, like I don’t know the numbers but I don’t know anyone who married before being 30, and a handful afterwards. It was more in my parents’ generation, but in my generation I am sure most people will never marry.
So, it was a thing about this particular group of people? A thing in the midwest? Is everywhere like that? Do people ask you “when are you going to marry” if you have a stable relationship? Is frowned upon to live with a romantic partner but never marry?
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Some do and some don’t. Sometimes it is regional and sometimes not. In places like San Francisco, NEw York City and Los Angeles there isn’t the pressure to marry ASAP after school. Sometimes it is cultural as there is no monolithic culture here.
I didn’t feel pressure, but it was the purpose of dating to me. I wanted to find a partner that wanted to commit to building & sharing our lives together. I was fortunate to find someone who shared that goal, and other values I hold. And I think our lives have been easier because we’ve walked it as a team, and will continue to. Our marriage is a constant source of mutual support and trust.
I should add, we aren’t religious.
34 year old male here, no marriage, no kids. I legitimately haven’t even been on a date in almost 10 years. I just enjoy my own peace and quiet, with all ability to do what I want, whenever I want. I think most everyone who know me has gotten the point since it’s not even a conversation point anymore.
I don’t feel any societal pressure in most ways, let alone wrt marriage. And no, marriage is not a life goal. I never want to get married.
So I have never felt external pressure to marry. No one ever pushed me to marry, and in fact, I felt a strong pressure to avoid marriage. For me I’ve always wanted to be a wife but I knew I would never get married if I wasn’t by 25 so I made a promise to myself that if I wasn’t married by 25 I was done with relationships completely and I was never going to get married
For context, I’m from the rural Midwest and currently living in the south
Pressure to marry or not will generally only come from your family and immediate social circle
Pressure? Eh. I wanted to find somebody to share my life with and I wanted to marry that person.
Of note, there are a lot of tax and financial advantages to being married.
I feel like there are growing number of people who do not wish to be married. For them that’s a personal choice. It doesn’t carry the stigma it once did.
No and no. And I say this as someone who has lived in a Midwestern state (Ohio) my entire life. I have had some family members ask me if I have a boyfriend (the answer is always no) or when I see myself getting married, and some friends have been rather nosy about my not dating, but I don’t care.
Marriage and kids are definitely a goal of mine.
There hasn’t been any *societal* pressure. That mostly comes from friends and family, but it depends on both your friends and your family. My girlfriend has been up my ass about both of those topics since the year started though, so we’ll see what happens.
If there’s pressure, I would say it’s probably more from your family (parents/siblings/grandparents/etc) than from society as a whole. There are location where marriage is more expected, especially if you have been in a relationship with someone for a long time. The only person know who actually thought it was weird that someone wasn’t married was my mom.
From what I can gather, marriage in the US still has very real tangible benefits compared to some other countries (ex: health insurance for spouse, potential tax benefits, much easier end-of-life planning, etc).
There is also the aspect of less societal support: if you start a family, you have each other and maybe some extended family. You want someone to go through some kind of commitment that is hard to untangle to show they are serious about being with you, especially if you plan on kids.
While everyone is free to make their own life choices as they see fit, I personally would not have (purposely) had kids without being married.
I was raised in the Mormon religion, which heavily, HEAVILY pushes marriage (hetero only, of course). I know a lot of my Mormon friends have felt like they must be married and there’s something wrong with them if they aren’t.
Fortunately, I never really felt that pressure even when I still attended church (I left religion many years ago). I’ve always tended more toward doing what I want, and I have never wanted to be married. I’m 46 now and haven’t even dated anyone since I was 21, nor have I wanted to. When I was in my 20s and early 30s, I did get a lot of questions and comments like “are you seeing anyone” and “you’ll find the right person and then you’ll want to be married” and such, so I do feel like there is some social expectation of marriage even outside of conservative religious communities. Fortunately, the comments have pretty much stopped now that I’m middle aged and still single.
I did not feel much social pressure to get married and it wasn’t something that I felt like I ever “needed” to do as, like, a life goal. That said I got married at age 30 and have two kids now so lol.
Do you have a source for any of this or is it just anecdotal evidence? From what I can find the average age at first marriage is lower in Uruguay than the US.
I’ll be 45 next month, never married and no intention to. I don’t see it as a necessity to have a happy and fulfilling life.
I think the millennial generation in America is sort of the turning point when it comes to opinions about marriage. Maybe gen z. In any case, a few decades ago it was definitely the expectation that you be married by, like 35 at the latest, and a lot of people who are in their 30s now still hold that same value and feel a lot of pressure to get married
But, I think it is getting less common. Marriage isn’t a goal for me even though I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years, and I think a significant chunk of people in their early 30s or younger feel the same. People definitely ask when I plan to get married on a regular basis, though
I just went to my cousin’s wedding yesterday. I’m only 22, so I don’t want to get married anytime soon. I don’t even have a girlfriend.
I’m married now, but I experienced pressure NOT to get married because I was so young at the time (22).
30s is sortofthe age border as you are young enough, not to be old when your kids graduate high-school or college and you have the energy do do stuff with them and work while they are young. Nothing more creepy when a teenager seeing another teenagers parents at their HS graduation that she almost or about to retire, I mean sure they will get an inheritance sooner but that’s not the real goal is it.
No most definitely not
No social pressure, but more like personal pressure somewhat.
Early 30s and never been in a relationship. Have feelings for people but they never work out. I would like to fall in love (and they love me back) and have that special person in my life, which I kinda assume would result in marriage, but I highly doubt a relationship would happen to begin with so marriage isn’t really an option.
Marriage wasn’t even legal for me until like…10 years ago, so it never seemed like an option growing up. I guess my main priority has been on the relationship part, so I never focused too much on the “marriage” part.
I would like to foster-adopt in the future and I think having a partner and being married would make things easier than doing everything by myself.
I am an unmarried woman with no children.
I was never pressured to marry and reproduce because my siblings provided enough grandchildren for my parents.
I do feel like I am treated like a child as opposed to a full adult by my family. I find it kinda funny because two of my siblings would barely be able to function without their spouses guidance. Meanwhile I have been able to manage a fairly good life on my own.
I didn’t want to marry. I was single and working and just doing whatever I wanted…..which wasn’t much and it wasn’t exciting, but it was nice to have that freedom after living with an oppressive dad for a long time and breaking up with a major douche of a boyfriend.
I started work after college and my mom kept telling me I must be a lesbian because I stopped dating completely. I was honestly tired since I was working overtime most days plus and hour and half commute each way, I was toast and tired by the time I would come home. I figured I would just be a celibate woman who worked for the rest of my life. I enjoyed being by myself.
In my 30’s I met my now husband. I don’t know how to explain it other than it felt right. He was older too. We got married about 4 months after dating and still together 14 years later with kids.
I really resented that my family jumped straight to the ‘you must be a lesbian’ angle as the reason I wasn’t dating instead realizing I didn’t want to date because my dad growing up was abusive and the guy I dated for 3 years turned out to be a slug of a human being who wanted to use me as an excuse to not pay child support for his kid from a previous relationship (working absolute minimum wage to pay the least amount of child support while I would be the breadwinner).
I didn’t feel internal pressure to marry but, growing up religious and going to a small Christian college, it was probably expected of me. I got married young (23) so I didn’t *hear” any of that expectation but I probably would have eventually.
TLDR: No, but I ended up doing it anyway.
Even growing up in a conservative, religious community, I did not feel pressure to marry. I didn’t think it was for me and I was fine with that. It was never a goal. I enjoy alone time and doing my own thing, and I was never the overly romantic or sentimental type.
Then, pretty young, I accidentally met someone who doesn’t get in the way of any of that and actually makes everything in life just a bit more pleasant when he’s with me.
After four years of still not being tired of each other, I went ahead and put a ring on it. My friends who “just couldn’t wait to get married” seemed to have a much tougher time of it.
I’ve been happily married now for 13 years, together as a couple for 17 years.
I would have never “settled” and married someone just to be married and I would never go on a quest to find a perfect soulmate to marry either. Not saying I never had to work at this relationship, but I am saying it’s better to not get married than it is to marry the wrong person.
My family used to bug me about “when are you going to bring your girlfriend around?” and my mom (who passed away when I was 26) was always asking for grandchildren but I’m in my 30s now and I feel no pressure. My dad at one point even acknowledged that it seemed unlikely I would marry.
So no one bugs me about it anymore. Which is great, because I’ve never in my life had any interest in getting married, having kids, or even being in a relationship. It’s just not for me. I realized that when I was like 14.
I never felt any social pressure to marry, but I *really* liked my girlfriend and wanted to keep her. Fortunately she felt the same way so she’s my wife now 🙂
I have no intention of getting married or dating anyone whatsoever
I certainly had pressure when I was younger. Family. Friends. Parents wanted grandchildren. I’ve been a bachelor my entire life. Got close a few times. Never pulled the trigger.
Ironically, now that I’m older and the pressure is off I’ve found a woman I’d like to marry. I like the idea of giving oneself up completely for another person.
Social pressure? No. But yes it is my personal goal in life. I want a traditional family and a traditional “American dream” style house and life. Nothing wrong with people who don’t it’s just my preference
Nope
Nope not at all.
My parents know I’m not interested in dating/relationships and don’t talk to me or mention anything to me about it anymore. Which I’m really grateful for, I know they might be a little bummed because they won’t have like grandkids or anything but they respect that it’s ultimately my choice.
My friends are the same way, they stopped talking to me about relationships/dating stuff a while ago. I have a friend who comes from a very traditionalist religious household and he’ll occasionally ask me “if I’ve met any cute girls lately” or whatever and I just respond “you know I don’t care about that kinda stuff” and he drops it.
Same with my extended family, when I occasionally talk to them they’ll ask me “so do you have a girlfriend/dates” and I just answer “nope” and they drop it.
I think it also comes with my generation (millennial) and younger, being single is much much more common and people are starting to accept that it’s a normal way to live, just like getting married and what not.
No, there was no pressure.
Yes, it was a goal and one I accomplished.
Im addition to being a possibly social and religious thing, it comes with legal benefits in the US.
I don’t feel pressured at all. Well, my parents try to and a lot of people make casual comments but I honestly do t care that much.
My SO and I have been together for something like 11 years. This past Christmas I got a ring, but I’m no closer or further than I was before I got it.
Theoretically it’ll probably happen sometime. At least the party, if not the ceremony. Doesn’t really matter if there’s any paperwork filled out.
I ignore the pressure. Never marrying is my life goal.
I’m in the Northeast and in my 30s. Single and happy. A majority of my friends are married or are trying to. I would says it’s about the same for my co workers.
When people ask if I want to get married and start a family, I always says that is not my plan. A common response is, “it’s never a part of plan!”
My ideal situation is to have a girlfriend, who owns her own house, car, and has a job. We spend time together but we both need our space.
If it doesn’t work out, I’m perfectly content remaining single. However, a man can still dream!
I’m from Missouri and the pressure to marry is stronger in the Midwest region than other parts of the country. Most people there get married right out of school. That’s part of why I left.
However, a big reason why that pressure is still able to exist in the Midwest is because cost of living there is some of the lowest in the country. My friends back in Missouri who got married in their 20s were able to buy houses shortly after and half of them did it on one income. That’s simply not possible in the more expensive parts of the country, so people focus on their careers for longer on the coasts and delay marriage.
Out here on the West Coast there’s not even pressure to have monogamy. There are many people out here in open relationships or polyamorous relationships, and those in monogamous relationships don’t get married until their mid-30s at the earliest.
Gay marriage and gay couples having kids is also completely normal out here whereas in the Midwest it’s still surprising to people.
Cohabitating with a romantic partner without marrying is becoming increasingly common and accepted, but not as much in the Midwest or South since those areas are more religious and conservative.
Are you sure that you don’t have major city bias for your home country? In the context of the US, St. Louis is not a major city, but a lot of other countries have most people concentrated in their country’s equivalent of New York City/Los Angeles. So, their impression of their own country vs the US is skewed by that perception if they move from their major city hometown to a smaller regional city of the US.
I got married at 25. Yes, it was a goal prior to that. Not because of the thing in itself, but because of a variety of benefits of getting married. Tax advantages, legal rights, and social norms are among them. Beyond that, though, I just can’t imagine the insecurity that would come with never committing to a person and never having a person commit to me.
I will say that marriage is common at earlier ages in the Midwest and south (I was the last of my friends at 25), but there isn’t a noticeable difference in marriage at some point in one’s lifetime. A similar thing is true among the religious versus the non-religious.
I did but I’m in my late 40s. Doesn’t seem to be the same for the yuggins these days.
Strong pressure? No. Do I want to marry? Yes. Am I close to getting married? No, I never even had an actual relationship. My hopes aren’t very high but I would like it to happen one day
While I didn’t feel a strong pressure to marry (I grew up in a small rural Midwestern town and never felt pressured personally), the legal protections provided by being legally married was a motivator.
My spouse & I are both LGBTQ+ and as a result being able to visit each other in a hospital/make health decisions and being able to manage each others health and end of life directives is really important. Thankfully we both have families that are supportive of us, but if that wasn’t the case if my spouse died unexpectedly I would have no little to no control over funeral decisions and asset division.
While I understand that marriage isn’t maybe not as important to cis & heterosexual people, it is still a very recent win for us and something historically denied us which makes it important to me personally.
At first there was a bit of pressure on me to immediately start dating after highschool to search for someone I could marry, but after I explained to my family my thoughts on marriage and what I want to do with my life, they stopped pestering me.
Just to clarify, I don’t want to get married or have children.
The further you are from New York or California, the younger people marry.
As someone who has been married and divorced, marriage is not just a piece of paper. There’s another level of commitment to make it work.
Sure mine didn’t work and I’ll be more careful in my future relationships, but I’ll get married again.
Growing up in a family, I grew up seeing it as a valued thing to have.
I wanted companionship and someone to share my life with and found that in my wife. I wanted to bring a life into the world, and we did that. I’m hanging out with my family in the living room now and it’s a great thing.
In order to share what’s mine with my wife, it makes all the legal sense to be married. I love her and wanted to follow the tradition of many, many generations before me and make that commitment in a ceremony. It makes legal and traditional sense. And keep in mind Americans are also the product of their families that came here…my wife and my families came from other countries where marriage is valued to, so it’s not an inherently American tradition or experience.
So no, it’s not pressure. It’s tradition and a legal thing at the same time.