I know the questions sounds weird but I didn’t really know how to phrase it without having it be a paragraph.
So my wife (f24) and I (m24) have been married for 4 years and, about over a year ago, we had twin baby boys. I love them and I love her. The issue is that…since then, she become a lot more sexually inactive. Like prior to then, we were bunnies and now we haven’t slept with each other for the last year.
Like I haven’t slept with my wife since before she gave birth and I have tried to make things more romantic. We left the babies at my parents and went on long-weekend (3 days) break to a beach-resort near where we live (we were recent parents and both nervous about being too far from our babies). \*Sidenote: She’s a stay-at-home mom and I know she was exhausted and it was a very nice break overall.
At the hotel bedroom (I got the honeymoon suit btw), I had a nice bottle of wine, I had petals on the bedroom. I even gave her a back massage and still nothing. Now look, I love my wife and ofc, if she says no, it means no, but I have needs here. I feel weirdly like she doesn’t want me anymore. I love her but I don’t know what I can do here. I have tried to communicate this to her, and she is often will give me some head or something. But all of this feels like a chore for her.
I’ve tried to make it romantic and I’m trying to do whatever I can…but I just don’t know where I go from here. Does she no longer find me attractive? Maybe I am overthinking this. If I am, how do I get her going here?
30 comments
Have you asked her what she thinks the issue is? What does she say?
What does she think would help her be more in the mood?
Is it more constant help with the children, so she will be less exhausted?
She needs a doctor
twins? maybe she’s “touched out” maybe her priorities have shifted and your needs don’t trump those of the kids, and then hers.
meaning, the kids needs to be sorted, and she needs to decompress, there’s no room for you. what’s home life balance looking like? perhaps go to r/deadbedrooms and search for similar couples who have turned it around
shake a bowl of dry food and go pspspspspsp
OP, instead of worrying about why you aren’t getting laid, spend more time trying to understand why she isn’t getting into the mood. Just a handful of reasons:
– She is tired. You have gotten your mother to help but what are you doing to help yourself? Is she still the only parent that gets up during the night? Do you take over any childcare responsibilities on the weekend or is she on duty 24/7?
– She could be depressed. Could be PPD, but it could also be just run of the mill depression. Does she get to go out of the houses at all for fun with her friends while you stay home with the kids? Are you planning date nights where you get someone to watch the kids while you go on a date?
– She is stressed and distracted.
– She is uncomfortable with her post-baby body.
You pushing sex is trying to fix the symptom rather than the underlying issue and could be making it worse. Focus less on sex and more about reintroducing intimacy without it having to lead to sex.
That’s why u don’t get married at 20…
“Entice” is an odd word. A lot changes when you introduce one child, let alone two at once. I think you need to ask her how she’s feeling, make sure she has time to interact with other adults and be an individual, and help her feel like you are both equal partners in raising your kids. She may not have anything to give currently, but only she can definitively clear things up for you.
She probably feels bad about herself.. maybe she put on some weight. Maybe she has stretch marks and a little tummy. Sign her up for a spa and give her a gym membership and give her a day off on a Saturday. When a woman feels good about herself…the marriage is great but when she doesn’t…everyone suffers.
How much do you contribute to raising your children?
I also imagine the babies are always touching her. Her body likely doesn’t feel like her own. It must be exhausting.
Hmmm. Ask her if you can go down on her. Tell her she doesn’t gotta do anything in return. Maybe she just needs a reminder of what and orgasm feels like. This might get her back in the mood for sex in the future. Or, maybe she’s terrified of getting pregnant again. Having one kid is a lot of responsibility. Having twins is twice as much work.
I had twins at age 34. It’s certainly exhausting. If she has that much help though, and is only 24, she shouldn’t be *that* tired. You do sound like a caring, responsible, hardworking husband. It could be a lack of maturity on her part, I don’t know. Adjusting expectations may be a good conversation to have. Maybe she think going back to your old sex lives sounds impossible…
As boring as it sounds, many married couples with kids have to schedule sex! My husband and I have to. In crazy seasons, even if you say this month on this Friday night (or whatever) it’s sexy time. Maybe lowering the expectations will help. Women are funny in that we can go without it a long time, but the more sex we get the more we want it.
You guys need to jump back in the saddle somehow…
Bottom line is: you love each other, marriage is about compromise, and she needs to hear your needs and care. If she’s too depressed or something else medical, then she should care enough about you to pursue a solution.
My twins are 10. I’m still tired. Perpetually exhausted. I have never lost all the baby weight. We still enjoy sex …it may only be once a week if we are lucky. Sometimes twice a month. The important thing is we communicate and we try. And that connection is important in our marriage.
Depending on how hard (traumatic?) The pregnancy and delivery of twins might have been and the current state of reproductive rights where you live, she may be somewhere between shut down and terrified of getting pregnant again.
Possibly she has resentments about how you were during her pregnancy and since? Maybe you have a political attitude that hurts her?
Have you asked her what’s up? None of us know what’s going on in her head.
I feel that it’s very likely she has some kind of PPD, it’s also possible that she is over stimulated physically by the twins and don’t want to be touched more than she already is by the twins.
Try another deep discussion and I would also consider therapy because one year is a long time.
And since this is reddit I have to add one last thing that seems highly unlikely in your case. Cheating also tends to change the sex drive and behavior. Based on the description of your wife I find this unlikely though. There have been stories on reddit before about new moms cheating.
Mom of multiples here to say that it’s unfair to couples how little education is offered about the effect of childbirth and early parenthood on birthing parents’ libidos. They tell you you’re ‘cleared to have sex’ at six weeks, but they never address how that birthing parent is actually feeling.
My experience after birthing twins was that I was ‘touched out’ a lot, meaning that with so much of my time spent physically connected to two little high-need people, being touched *in any way* was not pleasurable to me. I needed space. Lots of it. I described it as feeling like I had grown a set of prickles. The idea of a massage, which I normally loved, made me cringe. Lots of moms experience this to some degree, but mothers of multiples report it A LOT.
Also, birthing, nursing, and tending multiples is much more physically taxing than with a singleton. Hormonally, it’s more intense and takes longer to return to a sort of equilibrium.
For me, as a SAHM (at the time) who nursed the kids at least occasionally until they were 2, it took a good three years to recover any libido, and I didn’t really feel *desirous* until the kids started kindergarten. I also started a business when they were 2, which was stressful. But definitely that first couple years while I was home with them and feeling like I had no opportunities to even think a thought to completion, we had sex a few times but it was not great for me.
So. Is your wife nursing? Has her period come back? Does she talk about needing space? Have you asked her what feels good to her right now, instead of guessing and being disappointed when you guess wrong? Is she dreading your advances because she feels like her appetite can’t keep up?
Ask questions. Get counselling. And be mindful that it is normal for mothers to have a long ride back—especially mothers of multiples. It’s probably not about you.
ETA My twins are almost 20 now and I didn’t die. That marriage ended not because of libido issues—our bedroom recovered—but because the dad’s issues from his family of origin played out in abusive behaviour toward our kids as they got older. I’m remarried to a wiser, kinder, more self-aware being. Just to say, marriages do get through this stage, and you do survive. There is life on the other side of your children’s babyhood.
Have you asked her if sex even feels good? It took almost a year and half for it to even feel right for me and it didn’t go back to fantastic until my kids were completely weaned. Between hormones and breastfeeding, it just didn’t feel good. She most likely would benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy.
1. sex = babies. She has worked that out. Any sex has the risk of a pregnancy and another baby. We see on here all the time about how 2 types of contraception failed and now 2 people have a pregnancy they don’t want.
2. She has twins and is probably “touched out” The kids would be all over her all day and night. Then you take her away for the weekend with the intent to “touch her allover”.
3. Maybe she is depressed and needs to see a doctor.
4. While she has support from your mother, it sounds like she is a single parent while you work. Are you involved on the weekends and when you get home? It sounds like you have outsourced that. So, you have also outsourced your relationship.
Don’t underestimate how the risk of another pregnancy and baby can be VERY off putting. I was traumatised from the hospital and the thought of being subjected to that ever again put me off sex because it directly causes babies.
This will be your life for many years to come, no matter how hard you try you will continuously be rejected, doesnt matter how much you do around the house, or help with the children, or work to provide for them, you are gonna need to get well acquainted with your hand because thats what your gonna need to use for many more years. Even if you get sex it will be duty sex and a chore for her. Your gonna be told your feeling dont matter and to just suck it up and be no sex or sexual contact for a long time so be ready for that. Bring on the downvotes and angry people who don’t agree but this is how it will go
So I read something earlier in another thread. It was a dead bedroom forum and one poster said that their wife had seen something on TikTOk about couples with intimacy problems. And that at bedtime, every night they make out for 1-5 minutes. Maybe it leads to heavy groping or more, and maybe not. But it still creates an intimacy between the couple that has been lacking.
That being said, after a woman has a baby something happens with the hormones and libido. It’s like a switch. You can go from horny as hell during pregnancy to not even thinking about it afterwards. It’s a combination of exhaustion, recovery, self-consciousness, etc… it’s sort of like our bodies are in nurture mode, not pleasure mode. Childbirth does things to our bodies that none of us were ever warned about. And it can take a while to get back to normal. Eventually (hopefully) her drive will come back. But I am almost positive it’s not because she doesn’t desire you. She’s probably thinking YOU don’t desire her new body. It’s a real hard thing to come to terms with, a new not so great body that’ll never be like it was before.
She needs to go to a doctor and a therapist possibly.
Has she sought out any mental health resources? She could have post partum depression. I’m 4 months post birth and thinking about having sex “like bunnies” is nauseating to think about.
Edit to add: nauseating isn’t the right word. I think it’s just so unappealing. And the only thing I can think of is the pure exhaustion I feel. From the mental load and physical load of being a default parent.
Tell her you’ll get it somewhere else if she can’t take care of you.
How are things the rest of the time? Do you do half the childcare and housework? Does she get to do things she likes outside of just being mum? Does she seem happy or down? A lot of women won’t be interested if they’re not doing well in some other aspect.
So you help with the kids by asking your parents or suggesting y’all get a nanny. 😂😂yeah not very attractive dude. A husband that takes care of his own kids and does it with pride and a smile is hot. You ain’t it.
So it doesn’t sound like you are home to help at all during the week and the babies are still sleeping in your room. So she is doing most of the childcare (grandparents help during the week, you don’t say how much they actually do) keep the house tidy, do the laundry, make sure everyone is fed is a lot to do every day with 2 super small kids. So it’s totally understandable why she is probably touched out by the end of the day and just wants to relax without the pressure of sex. Plus your kids are still in your room!!! I wouldn’t want to have sex with my 1 year old watching and I’m sure your wife doesn’t either! That is so weird to me that you would try to have a physical relationship with her with them probably within arms reach of the bed
From what you say here, you’re wealthy, she doesn’t work, has help and yet on a 3 day relaxing getaway she’s still “tired”? There’s something else going on.
This is a post partum hormones issue, her libido is all out of whack due to hormones and she may not feel great about her body since having twins so doesn’t feel sexy. She could speak to a Natropath if she thinks it’s hormones, they can definitely help her get back to feeling like her old
Self again.
Honestly dude, if you’re expecting your wife to have the kind of enthusiasm and energy for sex she had prior to having kids, I think you’re being a little unrealistic.
I understand you have needs, but frankly those needs are a low priority right now. You have two infant children and your wife is exhausted; your babies’ needs and your wife’s come before yours in this early stage of childhood, at least in terms of sex. It also doesn’t sound like your wife is opposed to intimacy – she’s just not initiating it, and isn’t in the mood for penetrative sex yet. She just doesn’t care very much about sex right now, other than as a way to make you feel good. Given everything her body and mind has been through, including the pregnancy losses you mentioned in your comments, this is not remotely surprising.
I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but yes you are overthinking this and no it’s not about you, or how she feels about you. It’s got nothing to do with how attractive she finds you. It has everything to do with a woman who has been through a huge mental, physical and emotional ordeal and will probably need a fair amount of time to feel comfortable in herself again. She’s spent years trying to get pregnant, then succeeding, then struggling through a difficult pregnancy and now raising twins for whom she’s the primary caregiver. Any one of those things alone would be exhausting. I think you need to ask yourself why WOULD sex be a priority for her under these circumstances?
I realise it’s tough but you need to try to stay patient and not take this personally. Accept intimacy on whatever terms she feels comfortable with for now. Focus on intimacy over sex, and keep doing all the good things you’re already doing. The last thing she needs is to feel like sex is just another responsibility that she needs to think about; she can’t make herself any less tired or overwhelmed, I have no doubt she’s giving you everything she has to give already. If you feel like it’s not enough then I think you need to get out of your own head and look at the bigger picture of your lives – a couple of years of diminished sex life after the birth of even one child (let alone two) is incredibly normal for most couples.
Dollop of whip cream on the tip of the penis
So she shoves babies out of her cooch. It takes time to find your identity again and get used to your own body again. Also sounds like she’s depressed. Lee being supportive and slowly ease back into it. And make sure to help her more around the house
What do you do in terms of house hold duties? Childcare? Do you share the responsibility or is it mainly her doing the heavy lifting of parenting and housework? Sexual desire is largely emotional for women-if you’re not meeting her emotional needs, you’ll certainly see a decline in physical desires. Do things to help around the house-without expecting the reward of sex ie; “honey look, I did the dishes, how about a bj?”