TL;DR: most recent example: she texted asking if I’m OK, I say yes – why do you ask?, they respond with “damn I’m not allowed to ask?”….like girl I never said you couldn’t. This isn’t a new thing either. I’ll ask if she would let me know before bringing friends over to my place and it’s “so I’m not allowed to have friends?”….. I also never said that. Is there a name for this -seemingly- intentional misunderstanding of what im saying and how do I get my partner to see that it’s an issue?
So my partner does this thing occasionally where I ask a question or make a request they act like I’m saying something completely different.
Recent Examples:
Can you let me know if you’re bringing friends over to my place? “So I’m not allowed to have friends?” (Keep in mind we don’t live together. She occasionally just has friends tag along when she goes to my place and I don’t like unexpected company….I don’t think anything about my request even insinuates I’m saying she can’t have friends so her accusing me of saying that seems very intentional and defensive.
Why did you ask if I was okay? “So I’m not allowed to ask?” No, I never said you weren’t allowed to ask….I’m literally just asking the motivation for it. It was out of the blue and random so I’m confused as to what made you do it. Sure maybe the question came off weird but even if it did I’m still not saying what I’m being accused of saying or implying.
Like this is just so frustrating to deal with? Is there a word for it? It high key feels like a deflecting manipulative tactic tbh. Maybe I’m way off with that one but I just don’t see how she can unintentionally get “you can’t have friends” out of “don’t bring friends over unannounced to my place”. Like why try to paint me out to be some controlling asshole when that’s nowhere close to what I was saying?
How do I get her to see this version of communicating she has is an issue? Or am I overreacting? I truly don’t think I am but I also don’t think I told her she couldn’t have friends and apparently she believes that’s not the case so
4 comments
She is inserting something into your comments that you never said and making you into the bad guy every single time. This relationship is not going to last much longer if you are always the bad guy whenever you say anything, and then having to backtrack and comfort her. It’s absolutely exhausting.
I don’t know if she is always this way and she has some sort of Personality Disorder (borderline personality disorder??), if maybe she is treating you like her punching bag, if she is having a medication issue, or if she is maybe bitter and getting to the place where she is done with the relationship. I have no idea.
But both of you are coming to the place very soon where you are going to have to sit down with her and show her how she is inserting you being an absolute jerk– that you never were – every time you say something.
She is single-handedly sabotaging the relationship all by herself.
How do these things usually get resolved? Have you ever brought this up to her? Have you ever asked her in that moment when she says that “I didn’t say that, why do you assume I mean something bad and negative if O try to draw a boundary?” I have no idea why she’s this defensive, maybe she has a real issue with being told something she doesn’t like or want to hear, but I would start calling her out on it every time she does it, after bringing it up with her and trying to have a calm conversation in a neutral moment about this.
Unlike what others have said, it’s possible she learned this manipulative habit growing up. There’s a chance if you sit down with her and talk about how her saying that hurts you and us confusing (and shifts the blame onto you), she may realize and try to correct herself. If she continues to deflect or dismisses you, you don’t want that trait in a partner.
talk to them about it see if anything changes for a reasonable amount of time in your opinion . if it can’t change or they wont change for whatever reason leave.