I (f31)haven’t been on a date since beginning of December because I had broken up with someone and still had some feelings and lots of regret about how things turned out. I still do but also decided to burn that bridge after bumping into him multiple times and him not showing me much interest.
However, Friday night I walked into a small bar with friends. There was only one guy (Let’s call him K (m31) sitting and talking with the bartender, I didn’t pay much attention to him tbh but I’ll admit from the way he was dressed, he just looked a bit like one of those overconfident self-absorbed gym guys… I am working on being less judgemental
Anyways we left the bar and one of our guy friends, let’s call him B, stayed behind and said he’d join us in a club later.
B came to the club with K, then B‘s girlfriend joined us too. At some point, B‘s girlfriend takes my hand and says „You should hold K‘s hand because he likes you“ I was taken aback by this and just awkwardly starred at him for few seconds. We continued dancing but after a while I said I was going home. K asked if there is anything he could do to make me stay longer, I said no. As I was about to walk away I turned back and asked for his contact then I left.
Saturday, I contemplated whether to text him or not but ended up texting him about how nice it was to meet him etc. After few texts, he invites me to join him and his friends for a show later. I agreed but honestly wasn’t sure I wanted to but I was like WTF let me just go.
I went to the show, met his friends and everyone was nice and welcoming. It felt like we had known each for a while, everything was just natural. We even broke the touch barrier with holding hands and by the end of the night they wanted to go to more places but I don’t drink much, so I wanted to go home and sleep. He walked me to my taxi, I have never done this before but it felt natural to kiss him which I did. I had not felt that much chemistry with a guy in a long time and it helped that we didn’t meet on an app.
Then yesterday (Sunday) we spent the whole afternoon in a coffee shop just talking about everything under the sun. Nothing felt forced, even silent moments were not awkward. Safe to say everything went amazingly well buuuuut
K is not a typical guy I’d go for. He is into metal music, has multiple piercings,lots of tattoos, all of which are minor compared to his sexual kinks. He is into kinky/ BDSM sex and my experience has been pretty vanilla. While I’m open to trying stuff when we do get into that point but I feel intimidated just thinking about it. I feel like he will either be disappointed, I may get hurt or both.
We shared a lot of common hobbies though and he open up about a lot of vulnerable topics which I love.
It’s still too early and although we talked a lot about sex as well a sexual health, we both agreed to take time to get to know each other first.
Anyways my question is, am I setting up myself for failure here or am I overthinking this too early?
Those into BDSM, how was it dealing with someone who had zero experience?
15 comments
Oh man sounds like k is my dream guy tbh and that is my ideal meet cute.
Honestly sounds like you could be self sabotaging this because of your recent breakup.
Look at the facts: your friends like him, his friends like you, feels very natural/easy, you share common interest, there are some new doors being presented to you to try, sounds like you have good communication to start, K seems very polite.
What are the cons right now? Just scary? Is fear a big enough motivator for you to not try something?
I’m not a BDSM person myself, but I have several friends who are. Most people who are into BDSM understand that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. So when they date or have sexual encounters with people who aren’t into it they’re usually pretty patient and understanding.
I guess the main thing is deciding for yourself if it’s something you want to explore. If you do choose to explore it with him, make sure to communicate what your comfortable with trying, and exactly what your boundaries are. You may find that you enjoy it, or you may not. If you decide that it’s something you’re definitely not into, and he feels that’s a deal breaker, then you may not be compatible. But if you decide that it’s something you want to explore, you might find some thrilling new experiences.
>Those into BDSM, how was it dealing with someone who had zero experience?
You want to be thinking in the opposite way. You need to educate yourself and vet him appropriately, because it’s very easy for someone who’s new to not understand the difference between consensual and predatory kink or to not know what they really want. It’s a good sign that he wants to get to know you and isn’t trying to get to you to agree to something quickly. But you still need time to learn about him, and to ensure he respects your limits, doesn’t try to get you to do anything you don’t want or aren’t ready for, and that safety and respecting your consent is always present throughout an encounter.
Don’t go into it trying to impress him or feeling like you need to be more for him or to conform to what he knows better. That’s precisely how new people get hurt or taken in by predators. Instead, ask lots of questions. Has he been in BDSM dynamics before? How did they end? What was something that went wrong in a dynamic that he learned from? What is his usual safeword protocol? What does he like to offer for aftercare? What kind of experience does he have in the kinks he mentions? Is he part of a kink community, and does he have other partners? Is it mostly an in the bedroom thing, or does he have kinky relationships? These talks should not happen in the bedroom surrounding sex, but more how it sounds like you have been.
If you yourself are vanilla, don’t try to do his kinks if you don’t actually want to explore them. That incompatibility will come out eventually. Instead, talk, and if you decide he’s a safe partner to start with, decide what you personally want to try, ensure he cares about starting slow if you want to, and expect him to take on responsibilities related to keeping you safe, reviewing what you like, and going at your pace. In other words, his role in that kind of situation would be to offer you experiences you want, where he’s responsible to care for you.
>Anyways my question is, am I setting up myself for failure here or am I overthinking this too early?
It’s early and if he’s right for you he’ll stand by getting to know you and show maturity and reliability in that. You don’t know him well right now.
Kinky girl here. Openly kinky, not just bedroom bondage.
2 things– safety and consent.
Safety: Like with anyone, make sure you feel safe with this person. Make sure you like their energy and their vibe. … More on safety in a minute
Consent: Make sure you are giving educated consent to what you are doing. Everyone talks about consent but it’s extremely important to know exactly what it is you are consenting to. If this means waiting until you do an internet search of your own that means you wait. If this means you have talks about everything until you can’t talk anymore that’s what it means. You can’t give your consent to something if you don’t know exactly what it is.
Back to safety: you ALWAYS have to right to stop whatever is happening. Discuss a safeword system. You absolutely do not have to experience something if you do not want to. Yes, even in power exchange roles. At the end of the day you two are equals and both need to actively consent every step of the way.
If he is an ethical bdsm practitioner he will be 100% understanding and respectful of your boundaries, hesitations and questions no matter what his personal skill level or desires are. He will not make you feel pressured or intimidated. There are very good bdsm guys out there but there are also some who have very poor ethics. We just gotta make sure he’s one of the good guys.
You like him, your friends like him, you’re attracted to each other, there’s chemistry and you feel comfortable talking about sex with him. Sounds like he’s your type internally even if his outside doesn’t fit. I think you should give it a shot. When y’all do decide to start getting intimate with each other be clear about your boundaries then start to push them and explore once you’re comfortable. Most people in the BDSM community know that people have to be eased into it. If you try some kinky stuff and it turns out that you’re not into them y’all can have a conversation about how willing he is to sticking to mostly vanilla sex.
I will go against the crowd here. If you are 31 and you haven’t done anything but vanilla… You’re not made for BDSM, it’s just not your thing. And sex is one of the most important things in a couple so…
I’m a prior vanilla girl that dated an older HEAVILY involved BDSM man.
Don’t assume his sexual preferences based on your perception or insecurities. Ask questions, take time to understand them against your own preferences and boundaries. If you don’t have a clear understanding of what your sexual tolerances and desires are, it’s not for him to show you that – you need to be sure of that for yourself.
A lot of thoughts on this – but one of the foremost is that a big factor of people who are into BDSM are huge on consent and boundaries. With it, most people who are into BDSM are some of the most observant when it comes to boundaries and consent. Sadly, there are some others who try to push boundaries and deny/ignore consent.
If you do find yourself with them, before any activities, there should be a “session 0” where you both discuss what is absolutely prohibited, things you are hesitant about, and things you are okay with.
But the ultimate positive is that with most people who are into BDSM, your feelings, wants, desires, and pleasure are seen as valid every time. It is not a one-way street when it comes to sex with most people who are into BDSM.
Know your boundaries. That’s all I have to say.
Good luck!
The only issue I see here is the BDSM stuff and that can be gradually tried and experimented with. You don’t have to do it out the gate.
I would start a habit of being direct and communicating everything you feel unsure of to him. He should understand and go with your flow if he likes you enough (which it sounds like he does).
Haven’t personally done any bdsm. Researched it for a anthropology paper I did 12 years ago. It’s ok not to be into it and frankly i have a hard limit for how far I will go. There are degrees to bdsm ( small could be tied up and blindfolded, orgasm denial or edging, the d/s dynamic, pain, overall sensory play and the list goes on) if it gets to that point anyone who is truly invested in that will be responsible with you if you do decide to go into that world. Additionally, safe words and consent is always required and I have been told a good bdsm relationship is communication and and healthy boundary setting. It’s something that 50 shades gets wrong 😑, that is abuse taken into a kink context. I know a few people who are really kinky but married vanilla people who will not go that route, one couple open marriage for that reason. Just note you can explore when /if that time comes or you can say nope not going to happen.
Slightly cynically; I’d caution that in some cases everything feels great because the other person is well practiced and making people *feel* like that… and that correlates with your very first impression.
Of course people learn this because it replicates when it *is* right.
Is the previous relationship you mentioned the guy that you previously posted about? Because you never tied that up. Did you ever tell him where your feelings were at that time?
I can only answer your first part. I did coursework in human sexuality so I understand that behavior from a clinical level but I don’t practice it so I can’t truly empathize.
As long as both parties are honest and upfront, I say as long as it’s fun, keep seeing him.
We always fear getting hurt but you can’t live your life that way. Because the future almost never happens as you expect it will anyway. Live in the present, let the future take care of itself because it will anyway.
If you’re having a good time now, that’s all you need to know or be doing.
The most important thing with healthy BSDM is communication.
So either you’re entirely comfortable having a ton of conversation about what he likes, what you’d be willing to try, what you’re comfortable with, what feels/felt right/wrong… or you’re not.
If those are convos you’re completely comfortable and enthusiastic about having, proceed. If you’re feeling hesitant to talk about kinky stuff at all, IMO, it’s not worth it at this stage.