My (M27) partner (F27) and I have been struggling with our sexual intimacy the past 5 months and we’ve been together almost 1 year. When we began our relationship, I told her I had a high sex drive and she was always open to engaging in intimate sexual activities.
The past 5 months it’s been like pulling teeth to get any sort of validation that I need to feel fulfilled in my relationship. I’ve talked to her about this in a multitude of ways (communication styles, not volume/number of times) and communicated my needs in a vulnerable and open manner. We’ve likely had the conversation once or twice a month the past 5 months. She has acknowledged that she hears and understands me, yet continues to prioritize or consider literally anything else above my needs in response to this. She reacts in 1 of 3 ways to avoid discussing what a resolution looks like to a tee… 1. She tells me she understands me and discusses the conversation like I’ve been heard without actually making any changes. 2. She tells me that bringing up my needs as a concern in our relationship hurts her feelings as she feels like she’s not good enough and then I’m the asshole for not being considerate of her feelings. 3. She tells me my dick is too big and it’s a lot to take.
I am frustrated because I have been extremely caring, loving, and supportive. I also have been putting my feelings and needs aside to help lift her because of her work life balance right now in her busy season. I just can’t help but feel that I’ve been lied to from the jump and that I’ll never be fully satisfied in this relationship. She told me the other day that having sex with me is effort and I’ve felt like a burden and can’t shake that I don’t think I will ever be fulfilled and validated how I actually need to be because of this.
I know the title asks if she lied from the jump, but part of me wants to believe there’s something she’s not telling me that’s an insecurity because we can work through that. But lying from the jump I don’t think I could handle in terms of a future for the relationship.
If you need anymore context to determine your response, feel free to ask in the comments and I’ll do my best to respond. I just really don’t know what else to do and feel like I am checking out of the relationship (I really don’t want to, but my feelings and need to protect myself has my guard up full force rn).
Thanks in advanced for the advice!
5 comments
>1. She tells me she understands me and discusses the conversation like I’ve been heard without actually making any changes.
Do you discuss and agree upon changes or do you leave it entirely up to her to figure out said changes?
>2. She tells me that bringing up my needs as a concern in our relationship hurts her feelings as she feels like she’s not good enough and then I’m the asshole for not being considerate of her feelings.
***That’s toxic as fuck.*** Even if you somehow salvage this relationship, this is something she’s going to have to fix about herself.
>3. She tells me my dick is too big and it’s a lot to take.
Is this as much of a non-sequitur deflection as it seems? Because that’s pretty unhealthy as well.
In a lot of relationships the amount of sex decreases after the first months. From my experience, most people will be up for more sex when everything is still new and hormones are through the roof. So I wouldn’t say she lied on purpose.
That said this is probably her “normal” libido at the moment. You’re saying she has a busy time at work, so maybe that plays a role, but it still sounds like you have a higher libido.
It sounds like u addressed the topic in a respectful and open way but it didn’t lead anywhere. Her #2 reaction sounds worrying or toxic to me.
I don’t think you’re really sexually compatible and it doesn’t sound like you can live with that to me.
Maybe you guys are not a great fit. That doesn’t necessarily mean she lied. But sometimes that takes a while to figure out.
I disagree with the common opinion that you can convince someone to have sex with you by talking (for example). If you manage to convince her, she has sex with you but didn’t really want to, then it’s basically rape. Yes, communication is important but if she doesn’t want to fuck you she doesn’t and that’s it. She is your girlfriend but you are not entitled to sex with her.
Would you have sex with yourself? Make yourself someone that is worth having sex with. Be attractive and don’t be unattractive.
Also, do you want to fuck her because you want to fuck her or do you need sex for validation? Sex for validation is a needy trait and not a masculine trait, and is frankly unattractive in a man.
Homework: hit the gym and work on your projects so you get your own internal validation, be playful with your gf like when you were dating her, initiate sexually without expectations and if she rejects you don’t get butthurt and go do something else that is important to you: getting butthurt when rejected is very unattractive even if you look like a Greek god.
A big dick can actually be a legit thing that gets in the way. However, if that’s ACTUALLY the reason- both you and she can work on this. You can tell her that you’re happy to try and make it work out better – I have found spending lots of time in foreplay, using lots of lube, and working up how deep penetration is can make a big difference. For example, start just at the entrance, then spend a few minutes only going in an inch or two, then two or three, then three or four, and wait quite a while before going in all the way. Depending on your size, you may never be able to go in all the way – more than half of the women I’ve been with have not been able to easily take the whole thing. And this has been a fairly serious problem in two of my relationships because the positions they liked most (like cowgirl) were pretty much impossible because they couldn’t get their clit anywhere near my body and got tired holding themselves up to keep from impaling themselves. That said, there is a lot you actually can do (vibrators and time help)
However, I’m guessing it’s not that and that you all just aren’t terribly compatible in that dimension. You may also try and work out where you can take care of as much of it yourself as needed to make things work