I’m not sure how to address this. I realized a girl I was seeing was involved in a situation I was uncomfortable with. I told her if we were only involved sexually it was none of my business, but if we were going to be together romanticly it had to go away. She was embarrassed and said she hadn’t been in that situation since she found out all the details of it which weren’t known to her prior.
One day she says she isn’t quite sure how to handle ending it and I don’t push, just say she can discuss it with me if she wants. Less than a week later she says he called her and says his life exploded and she says this is the perfect jumping off point for her and so the situation doesn’t exist anymore.
On social media I saw I was either blocked or her account was disabled. She said she disabled it because she was tired of alerts on a site she wasn’t active on. Then I noticed the same from his account. I’m a pretty rational guy, in touch with my emotions and able to separate myself from my emotions when need be.
But I completely lost that ability as I imagined them both blocking me as a workaround to our situation. I had a friend check out their profiles to see if they truly deactivated them or if I was just blocked. They are both deactivated.
I feel so dishonest for doing this. We started out because we were both willing to be so honest and vulnerable with each other and we developed a trust that I immediately violated. I want to tell her I did this. It will make me feel better. It will make her feel anywhere from neutral to crushed, and I have to realize her feelings need considered too. Honesty is the best policy 99% of the time, is this a 1% time where I carry the guilt without expressing it?
TLDR, I’m not smart enough to sum up this situation into 2 sentences.
6 comments
I wouldn’t say anything. If you found out she was lying that would need to be a conversation but she was telling the truth so just take this is a lesson learned and maybe next time you won’t have to second guess.
I’m not sure you need to tell her about the checking, but you clearly don’t actually trust her yet and I would dig into that and figure out why, and if you need to then go to her with the questions you need answers to.
Sounds like she was in a situationship with some other guy, and wasn’t upfront about it? Was it unclear whether you two were just FWB or something more?
You followed your gut and needed validation that you can trust her, which you got (yay!). I don’t see what you did as dishonest.
That said, if your gut is now telling you that you should tell her, I think you should do so. My ex did a lot of “lying by omission” which resulted in a lot of confusion and insecurity for me.
You both seem mature (from the information you included here) and she may appreciate your being upfront about it.
If you trust her don’t tell her. You had a weak moment and it sounds reasonable regarding the circumstances. If you don’t trust her then you should probably move on. I think within today’s social norms we should assume any new partners and their bffs are checking out our social media accounts. You didn’t necessarily do anything wrong.
I don’t see why you need to tell her. It’s not like you cheated on her, or are concealing anything very important (imo). You had legitimate fears and concerns due to whatever this situation was, I would call what you did ‘trust with verification’. You didn’t go through her phone, or scour her computer… you had a friend pull up their socials, and it worked out the way you wanted it to. No reason to shoot yourself in the foot and tell her, it would accomplish nothing. I would take it easy and work on establishing a good level of trust now that you know she is trustworthy. Whatever you decide, good luck!