I’m having an issue with my girlfriend. Besides this one problem, she’s absolutely fantastic. Marriage material. Yes, there’s an age gap here – but I don’t think that is the issue unless we’re talking about emotional maturity. We’re currently at 2+ years, and I’m very happy with her.
The problem is – if I am experiencing any stress in my life, she breaks down in tears, and then rather than being able to focus on my problems, I have to focus on her.
These are actually major problems, which I also view as opportunities.
Problem 1: I’m finishing up a divorce after a long separation. Believe it or not, this has NOT been stressful for me. Sure, it’s expensive. But I view ending a toxic and abusive relationship as opening the door on new possibilities. I’m genuinely excited and happy about it. I haven’t shed a single tear.
However, when I talk to my lawyer on the phone in front of her, or discuss custody issues, she breaks down and sobs. I then have to change gears and talk her through MY problems, instead of being able to deal with anything for a day or two.
Problem 2: I was laid off on Tuesday. Yes, this is stressful. But, I’ll probably have a job on Monday. I can’t see myself being out of work for more than a week or two. I work in consulting, which means my job is mostly establishing good business relationships with people. When people heard I was laid off and available, my inbox was flooded. I’m excited to start something new and to make more money. I have savings to fall back on, so I am not worried at all.
Today she broke down in the car and started sobbing. I had to take her home, because while I am optimistic about things, I don’t have to emotional space or time to cater to her concerns about MY major problems.
On top of these two issues, I’m also looking to move into a new place. She’s stressed about this, I’m not. I currently live in a small apartment…this will be a very easy move since I don’t have much stuff at the moment.
Background: She comes from a home where she was neglected by her parents. She moved out when she was 18. She is on a couple of anti-depressants. If she misses a day or two of her medication she cries uncontrollably. I came from stable home, and I am not on any medications. I am older than her, and she, in a way, leans on me for the emotional support and stability she never had. I am very OK with this, but sometimes I have my own problems that I need to focus on, and sometimes I view her crying as sucking all the emotional energy out of the room. I feel like she’s making my problems her problems, and I feel, in a more practical way, that she is making it harder for me to deal with major life problems.
Question: Is she just empathetic? Is she narcissistic (I don’t think so)? Is she viewing my problems as shared “couple problems”? Am I selfish to want to be able to focus on very important issues without getting constantly sidetracked to comfort her? Also, how much can people reference or lean on their trauma to excuse their behavior? I know people don’t just “get over it”, but using it as an excuse for everything isn’t OK either.
After today’s crying incident, I told her I needed to be away from her for the day without any texting, which she will probably take very hard. Like I said, I am very optimistic about things, but I just couldn’t deal with her anymore today.
TLDR; When I experience a major life problem, my girlfriend has a breakdown which causes me to lose focus so I can comfort her.
14 comments
You’re 48 years old. You should know how to handle both your and her problems by now. You should also be able to answer these questions without the help from internet strangers.
> Yes, there’s an age gap here – but I don’t think that is the issue unless we’re talking about emotional maturity.
Your whole post seems to be about emotional maturity. On top of her age and relative lack of experience, she’s experienced trauma and is struggling with mental health issues (of which you should be supportive but not try to play therapist or anything).
Encourage her to talk about her concerns with her therapist.
Y’all started dating past the “super yikes” window. She was 25, a proper adult. But, no matter how old she gets… she will always be young enough to be your daughter. Always. There is always going to be a very significant maturity gap between you two. My parents are in their late 60s, and they’ve been open that there’s a HUGE mental difference between 48-68.
Here’s something that doesn’t get brought up too often with age gap relationships: Unless the younger partner is extremely well adjusted, there is a high risk that they’ll start treating the older partner like a parental figure.
I dated a guy 5 years my junior – not nearly as significant an age gap – and I had to be his rock. Always. Forever. When I needed him to be my rock, he NEVER stepped up to the plate. Eventually I realized I had become a mommy figure to the guy. He would get angry if I was sad. Angry. What the fuck kinda reaction is that? It makes sense if you think of it this way — mommy is supposed to be strong and impenetrable. Mommy is not supposed to show weakness. She is my rock, and I need mommy to be on her A-game all the time.
I also became his free therapist, free job counsellor, free chef. I played a part in my own mommy-fication, and I have to own up to that or I’ll just do it again with the next person I date.
Your girlfriend is young but she’s a bit old to be so… emotionally needy, I guess. My ex was similar. He had his shit together on the surface, good job and education and all, seemed put together. But he was an emotional wreck of a man. He desperately wanted a leader, a guide, a teacher. I filled that role, but it took a huge toll on my self-esteem. It hurts to not be loved as a partner, as an equal, as a peer. It hurts to be treated like a parent by your bf/gf/spouse/etc.
And that’s why, when a very cool 28 year old started making googly eyes at me recently, I shut it down. He’s just too young. I’m only 36, but I know the VAST difference in maturity between our ages and I’m not putting myself at risk like that again.
You answered your own question. She is emotionally immature.
Basically as a 48 year old man you shouldn’t be dating a 27 year old woman with clear mental health problems caused by trauma and expecting her to just “get over it”. I don’t think the problem here is her, it’s actually you.
The problem is that your girlfriend isn’t emotionally matured yet. You may hate hearing it, but she is too young for you. She leans on you, more or less, the way a child would with their parent.
Now, maybe that’s because she has a pretty rocky relationship with her own parents, I don’t know. But I think she starts sobbing all the time because she views a lot of these things as a “we” problem, and she probably has no idea how to help or even resolve issues you’re facing. This is why she’s always drowning in tears.
Your girlfriend probably never experienced half of these things, so she has no idea what to do. She’s only 27, you really can’t fault her for that. But I think you should have a talk with her instead of shutting her out. You have to either get to the bottom of it so that she doesn’t annoy you with this all the time, or you have to find someone more mature.
>Yes, there’s an age gap here – but I don’t think that is the issue unless we’re talking about emotional maturity.
That’s generally what age gaps boil down to, so yes, that almost certainly *is* the issue.
It sounds like the crux of the issue is she is worried about how your issues affect her and doesn’t seem to care about how your issues affect you. It’s all rather”what does this mean for me?”. Meaning she’s very self oriented/centered right now not partnership oriented and that may just have to do with her age or what she went through. She doesn’t sound like she’s emotionally mature yet or is she is very insecure.
Typically a response like that is fear based.
She’s too young for you. I’m 27 and my mom is 49. She would never in a million years date someone my age because the emotional maturity levels are different. And as a 27 year old woman, I will happily tell you that women our age usually choose to date men your age when we have parental or dad issues. I hope you find someone who is age appropriate and more emotional stable.
How can a 48 year old man be so dumb? Find someone who is more mature.
I’m sorry dude but the age gap *is* the issue here. You are closer to 50 than she is to 30. She is not going to have the emotional and mental maturity required to handle major problems the way you think she should. Divorce and layoffs are both massive issues, but you have the *experience* necessary to see them for what they are….. *twenty one whole years of experience*.
Do you see where I’m going with this? At 27, many people are just breaking their stride in their career or just thinking about getting married! “Divorce” and “being laid off” are *supposed* to be foreign concepts (obviously in this economy the second one is less foreign to all of us).
You decided to date someone with only 27 years of growing up, experience, and maturity under their belt. Why did you do that if you needed someone with *your level* of emotional maturity? You burnt your own house down and now you’re complaining it’s hot.
I’ve not got an issue with the age gap since I’m in a pretty large age gap relationship myself and people can be fully mature at 27 and match that of older people. My SO is quite a bit older than me but ours works because we relate on the same level likely because of how I grew up (more with adults than kids my age and stable). Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case with your girlfriend. Until she can figure out what is going on with her and how to cope with her past in a healthy manner I don’t see that happening here. When she breaks down sobbing does she actually explain why she’s upset or is it just uncontrollable and not able to actually explain it logically? Is she still in therapy? If not she definitely needs to get back into it with or without you to try and help her figure out her emotional responses to things.
Omg you two are around the same ages as me and my mom. Can’t imagine having to put hubbie in an old folks home while I’m enjoying being retired and still physically fit. You’ll be in diapers and she’ll be hiking and adventuring.
Just wanted to say that I think it would be helpful for her to go back to her prescribing doctor and talk about increasing her dosage or trying a different antidepressant because it sounds like what she’s on now isn’t very effective.