For reference I’m female almost 19, he is male almost 21. We’ve been together for a year and a half and we’ve lived together for a bit over half that time. We have a regular seggs life and up until recently I haven’t noticed anything out of the norm. I’m pretty kinky, i have a lot of turn ons and a bunch of stuff I like and would want to try. My bf dabbles in some stuff but doesn’t try to talk about my interests or really acknowledges some of them. Which I don’t mind much, its perfect and I love being intimate with him. He’s expressed before he doesn’t like when I read smut (it’s basically reading porn) or watching porn. Ofc that’s fine with me and we both agree not to watch or read any sort of porn. Before this I did not mind if he watched or read porn, we mutually just kinda agreed not to.
A few months ago I saw a notification on his Reddit and clicked it, turns out it was porn. I dig a little deeper and he’s in a bunch of communities full of naked girls, none of which look like me. I mentioned this to him and he was pissed I checked his phone but eventually understood why I was feeling insecure and agreed to stop. He deleted the app until he got a new phone, then reinstalled it. I let my nerves get the better of me and of course he’s looking at the exact same pages. I feel gross. I’m super insecure about my looks and this obviously is not helping. I feel bad for invading his privacy. I don’t want to say anything because he’ll know I was on his phone but at the same time i don’t think this is acceptable. Especially when it was his idea not to watch any porn to begin with.
What upsets me most is the double standards. I know if he found out I was looking at similar things he would be upset. He doesn’t talk about what he likes, what he wants more of or less of so I honestly don’t know if I’m doing something wrong. He’s told me before he doesn’t want to talk about my interests as they are extreme for him, so I’ve tried to avoid the topic completely. Just don’t really know where I should go from here lol. Advice much appreciated, I wanna go about this without making him uncomfortable or embarrassed. Just hope it’s something we can grow and communicate better from rather than it be something that drives us apart 🙂
1 comment
Sounds to me like severe double standards.
Without knowing what these forums are specifically, could it be that he has a problem being open about his kinks and fantasies? Maybe if you tried to be more open about each others?
Otherwise, if you are unable to discuss things like this, certainly does not bode well for the future. If you can’t talk about something as simple as sexual interests, how could you begin to consider the possibility of a long term commitment?
IMO any long term relationship needs good communication, if you can’t get it early on, maybe better to move on if you can’t otherwise work it out.
Also, he could be into other things, but doesn’t mean he isn’t also into the way you look. E.g, people may be into cosplay style stuff, doesn’t mean they would actually want to date someone like that.
In terms of raising this with him, I think you should do it sometime when your laying down together, maybe just chatting casually. You could say you wanted to ask him but forgot, but wanted to ask what types of thing he finds hot / gets turned on by. Maybe give some examples yourself to make him feel more comfortable? If he doesn’t give any examples then you could say well what about that time when I saw those forums. If he gets defensive and shuts you down, you should say that you understand if he feels uncomfortable to talk about, but you find it hot to think he has things that tuen him on.
If you had some context on these that would help