I (19F) have been dating (19M) for 9 months. We live
together at his parent’s house.
I freelance act and model when I have free time outside
of college. For fun, I do stand-up comedy at a few
venues throughout our region/county.
Through stand-up, I’ve made a lot of friends. I’m not
tight-knit with them or anything, but we bond over it a lot
and sometimes go out for pizza after shows.
One guy in particular (M41) hosts his own comedy show
that I perform at every two weeks. He gives me a lot of
feedback on my material and has helped me learn how to
host my own show. He also films short skits online for
fun. He has a great camera setup too. He is single and
has no children.
My boyfriend (19M) is incredibly jealous whenever he
(M41) communicates with me. My boyfriend hardly
wants him around me and I’ve had to practically beg him
not to make a scene or be disrespectful to him at our
shows. I’ve explained many times that I’m not interested
in him, and that I love the man I chose. My boyfriend
thinks he is flirting with me or wants to be intimate, but
(M41) has this excited flirty jokey personality and acts
the same way with everyone. I’ve tried explaining this to
my boyfriend, but he still doesn’t like it.
I’ve booked two auditions for short films. They have to be
self-taped at home. (M41) lives alone and has many
spaces to film these tapes. He has acting experience and
could be the reader (Other person I need to interact with in the script) for the scenes.
Before even contacting (M41) to ask for his help, I told
my boyfriend that I was going to ask for his help, and I
told him that he could come watch because he doesn’t
want me alone with this other guy. My boyfriend offered
to be the reader for me, but I explained to him that he
isn’t a strong public speaker (I often have difficulty
hearing him), and that he doesn’t have acting experience.
I also explained that (M41) knows how to film properly,
and that there are clips that would need one of his tripods or something. He was still upset and tried to make any possible alternative to asking him; promising
to perfectly memorize the lines, speaking clearly, etc. I
told him that these auditions are important to me, and
they need to be the best quality they can be. I promised
him that he can be there to supervise. He felt better, and
told me I have to let him know as soon as I find out schedules and that it has to work out so that he can be there.
Today, I got a response from (M41). He is going to help
me with the scenes. Unfortunately, I found out that the
audition tapes are due on March 12th. (M41) is still able
to help, but after talking to my boyfriend, there isn’t a
time that works to film that would allow my boyfriend to
be there. I asked (M41) if tonight would work, so that I
could have my boyfriend there (I didn’t mention that it
was because of my boyfriend). Unfortunately it didn’t
work for (M41). I explained to my boyfriend that we will
have to film tomorrow. He said “I don’t care what the
circumstances are, I don’t want you hanging out with ___ alone”. I keep trying to reassure him that everything is going to be strictly platonic, and that this is important for my acting career. He just keeps saying “You’re not going” and that I messed up and that I’m making him worry which is affecting him at work.
I personally feel like I shouldn’t allow his jealousy make
me miss opportunities in my acting career.
TLDR: I have to film audition tapes and I seeked out a
male friend to help me with it. My boyfriend is extremely
upset, and is demanding that I don’t do it. I’m still
planning on going anyway.
15 comments
>everything is going to be strictly platonic
How do you know?
So, I had a really jealous BF and at the bitter ragged end, I couldn’t even work with men, like at a very public job, with 4 coworkers always around. To avoid the fights, I would lie and say that any men who happened to be on shift with me, were much older, and gay. That the % of men who were both elderly and gay was so high, my BF never questioned.
Anyway, it sounds like you are focused on your career and you have a mentor. Good for you. Aim high and always be truthful. And don’t make the mistake I did, and let a jealous BF stop your dreams.
Boyfriend is crossing the line with his demanding approach. It’s fine to have male friends and obviously male contacts in your part-time activity. All of that having been said: you’re planning to spend time alone with a flirty dude that has already been a sore topic in your relationship.
Do with that what you will. It’s not an excuse for your boyfriend, it’s just a statement of fact with poor optics.
At the end of the day, you’re your own person. Your boyfriend is not your keeper and he can’t make rules or demands about your choices. He can, however, express discomfort and boundaries, and if you choose to ignore them, he can decide that this is not a relationship he wants to be in. Whether or not you think you did something wrong, he still gets to have his opinion on the matter and if you want to keep your relationship, you have to care about your partner’s feelings.
I think where I would say that yes, you are in the wrong, is here:
>I promised him that he can be there to supervise. He felt better, and told me I have to let him know as soon as I find out schedules and that it has to work out so that he can be there.
You made a promise and now you’re breaking it.
If you had never said it in the first place, then you don’t owe him anything. But when you make a compromise in a relationship and then backtrack on it, you’re flaky and your boyfriend has a valid reason to be upset about that. How is he supposed to trust you in the future when you guys come to any sort of compromises if you don’t stick to what you agree to?
Also, if this guy does flirt with you, even in a “jokey” manner, and you KNOW it makes your boyfriend uncomfortable, and you don’t tell this guy to stop, then you are enabling the situation and not prioritizing your relationship or setting healthy boundaries.
You’re allowed to have aspirations and motivation to succeed in your career. I don’t understand why that requires you to let older men flirt with you, though.
At the end of the day, you’re your own person. Your boyfriend is not your keeper and he can’t make rules or demands about your choices. He can, however, express discomfort and boundaries, and if you choose to ignore them, he can decide that this is not a relationship he wants to be in. Whether or not you think you did something wrong, he still gets to have his opinion on the matter and if you want to keep your relationship, you have to care about your partner’s feelings.
Isn’t there someone else that can go with you that your boyfriend trusts?
Also…
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>I’m still planning on going anyway.
Then why even post? Is this just a rant?
I don’t know I personally wouldn’t put myself in a position to end up on this dude black casting couch. Why is this 40something man so interested in you? Are you 100% without a doubt positive it’s platonic?
One (or both) is true:
You are untrustworthy.
He is untrusting.
If it’s the first, figure out how to rebuild your trustworthiness. If it’s the latter … your boyfriend needs to figure out how to act like a human.
>He just keeps saying “You’re not going” and that I messed up and that I’m making him worry which is affecting him at work.
Your boyfriend is controlling. Thats manipulation straight up.
Oof. I can see the reason for his hesitation and worry. You sound very trusting and a bit naive which is to be expected and isn’t a bad thing at all but uh…yeah I see his point.
I’m sure it’s platonic on your part but gee I can’t think of any reasons why a 41 year old man would be so eager to help out a cute 19 year old ingenue who he already has established a fun and flirty relationship with film audition tapes at his house with his camera. Haven’t the foggiest idea. Hey what’s this black couch doing here?
Sounds like you’re going to go and I’m not saying you shouldn’t but I am saying bring a friend or a trusted third party. And, speaking realistically, don’t be surprised if this leads to a breakup. Be careful, safe, and smart and I hope you land your parts <3
This is not earth shattering.. You promised your boyfriend he could be with you during the filming. Schedule conflict. Next you contact older guy to schedule a time that works for your boyfriend. Older guy doesn’t know that’s the reason. Another schedule conflict. Why not wait until a mutual time is available. This isn’t the end of the world. Showing up with your boyfriend is a good move, shows older guy, you aren’t the least bit interested. I feel you are too naive, and trusting, and your boyfriend is probably right. Doesn’t mean for sure older guy is interested, but better to be with company in his presence, when you are alone with him.
You’re a little naive, you are…young, so I ‘get’ it. I was in your position but in my 20s, with an older and very much married man.
I was requested to be his model (he part timed as a painter–it’s his hobby, he’s a real estate developer really, a successful one, he would hire models to be his muse, and I was one woman he’d use as a model the longest, he’s got numerous paintings of me in his studio). This friendship/painter-model relationship went on for awhile (around a year or so perhaps), we became friendly outside the studio. He’d introduce me to his wife and children, etc. They invited me to come for BBQ. They liked me. His wife liked me. I thought it was purely platonic friendship, mind you. It was very nice relationship too. Then, I started dating my now-husband, so I took him to meet my painter friend and my now-husband immediately raised his ‘red flag.’
He told me after that first meeting how my painter friend was actually interested in me romantically/sexually. I didn’t believe my now-husband at first. After all, we’ve known each other for awhile, nothing romantic/sexual was going on, plus he’s very much married.
But it was proven true. When his wife was away to visit her relatives, he invited me to model for him (of course he paid handsomely, when I did this) one evening (well, he only could do it after his workday, which was from 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM). So I showed up, was just doing the normal modeling–aka hold my pose and lounged on the couch– then he actually made a move toward me, which SHOCKED me to the core and I kind of just removed myself from the situation (requested that I had to leave, was not feeling well, etc). I pretended nothing happened with him and just stopped responding to his e-mails and phone calls. I blocked him later on. So, my now-husband was RIGHT to tell me that my friend there was interested in more.
My point is, OP…. It sounds that this man may be eyeing you and your bf may be correct. So please don’t go alone. Find a trusted friend to be around. Good luck and take care.
Dude, just dump your boyfriend already, you obviously don’t care about his boundaries, especially if you’re gonna do it anyways behind his back. No wonder he doesn’t trust you.
Part 2 should be interesting. That’s where you go anyway, M41 flirts with you, you don’t tell your bf about it, and he doesn’t believe you. It doesn’t sound like you and your bf are in the sort of place where you can make a relationship work right now, and he’s definitely not, mentally. If you think he’s got a problem now, wait and see how he acts if your career starts to take off.
Do you have a friend or family member or acquaintance or anyone else who can come with you? Because your older, single, male friend with the perfect set up for helping younger friends get set up in the entertainment industry might be just that, and he might not. Regardless of your friend’s intent and regardless of your relationship status, I’d want *someone* there with me. & bringing a friend might ease your boyfriend’s worries too.