Me and my (now ex) gf know each other for 5 months and the relationship has been great so far, lots of laughs, etc.
However, she never spoke much of the past and wanted to know a lot from mine, which is kinda a red flag to me, but that’s ok, 30+ year olds always have some kind of baggage.
She pressed me a lot to do STI exams so that we can start dropping condoms, so we did, everything apparently fine and we had unprotected sex one time.
Afterwards, she tells me that she’s battling HPV, she did an exam one year ago, non cancerous type, she had the vaccine and she was waiting for a new exam to check if it’s gone or not.
I confronted her, like why the heck would you have unprotected sex if you know you have that condition. She argued a lot of BS like in men it’s a lot softer, I have probably had it in the past, her past should not worry me that much, I should be grateful because she *always was* sincere with me.
I broke up with her of course. Not because the disease it’s XYZ but because that would haunt me my whole life. She’s not a trustworthy person. Any advice?
39 comments
Get yourself tested, and if you have it, do whatever you need to get treatment.
Idk if you can sue her or anything, but if you can, I wouldn’t blame you.
Yes, it was completely unacceptable for her to hide this and put you in danger. Definitely cut her out for good.
Actually, go to the doctor and get more information. I am afraid I am not well-versed on HPV. However, from a relation standpoint, you did exactly the right thing.
You can’t trust her and then to act like she’s really sincere is hilarious. So good for you. Good self-esteem you did the right thing.
Not sure what ur wanting advice on. If someone demands u test first, u demand to see theirs also.
I would go to a doctor and get a better understanding of HPV and the different strains. HPV is considered the common cold of STDs. Almost everyone will get it at some point. I had it and the doctor said you don’t really need to tell sexual partners because if it’s not the type that gives you warts or can cause cancer in men, it was just a type that had a 1% chance of causing abnormal cervical cells and there was not really much risk
I’m not really sure what other advice you want here? HPV isn’t normally tested for in an STI screening anyway it’s tested for in a cervical screening and it’s not really treated the same way as other STDs provided it’s not a type that causes warts or cancer
While **you** can’t get cervical cancer from the HPV, you can get throat cancer from it and you can give it to someone else who does have a cervix.
HPV flew under the radar for too long and while not a big hitter for men it’s potentially devastating for women and its spread needs to stop.
Get tested. Also there’s a preventative vaccine that you could ask about. In my country every child gets the HPV vaccine now as part of their childhood immunity vaccinations with the aim of eliminating cervical cancer (and the side benefit of the throat cancers, but the main aim was cervical cancer)
In a lot of places this is illegal and you should absolutely prosecute her. I have an uncle battling HPV related cancer right now. It’s no joke.
I’m a woman and my (ex) BF did this to me. Now I have pre-cancerous cells, exams every year and regular biopsies, and I’m too old for the vaccine to be an option.
Fun times.
Not sure where you are, but in the UK HPV doesn’t need to be disclosed to partners because it’s so common. In fact letters from the NHS informing of HPV actively advise that you don’t have to. The majority of people get it at least once in their life and their immune systems fight it off easily enough the vast majority of the time.
There’s no specific test for HPV and also no cure for it. The only time it would ever become serious is if for some reason your immune system can’t fight it and it turns into abnormal cells or cancer. Cervical cancer tests are the only way women know they have it because it is a big cause of cervical cancer in women. It can also increase chances of cancer in men but these cancers aren’t common.
You can also catch HPV from skin to skin contact, so using condoms won’t necessarily protect against it. Also many people have no idea they have it so it’s likely you’re going to catch it somehow or other in your lifetime anyway.
Omg wtf
Pretty sure HPV can be spread even with condom use…usually from active lesions. Condoms do however reduce transmission. Take that as you will
Your did the right thing. Now going forward is really important you let every future woman you sleep with know you’ve been exposed to hov. There is no test for men, but you can still be a carrier and transfer it.
Lot people have it and don’t know it. My ex did something similar and I told my doctor my doctor didn’t do nothing. Some people are careless a bit. I recommend eating to live. Many supplements help body adapt. And some even prevent cancers on cellular level. There things out there that really can help the body fight tons of different things. It’s just good piece of mind. Be careful of interaction if you do get into natural supplements. There things that kill lots of diseases. Some are in every day foods thyme,basil certain mushrooms in super market good for diet also. Move forward stay healthy and be careful some people are risky people. Hope ya don’t stress to much and stay just got watch these people closely we let in are lives.
I think you did the right thing. HPV is insanely common, where at least 80% of sexually active women get it by the time they’re 50. It goes away on its own as well. But if you know, you really should tell your partner so they can be aware and make choices about their sexual health and how they want to deal with it.
I tested positive for high risk HPV in the end of 2021 at my first Pap smear. Since it was my first Pap smear, I don’t know how long I had it. I also have no idea where it came from. I told my boyfriend right away. We did research and learned how common it was, how there’s no test for men, that it will go away on its own (I was uneducated and thought it was one of those ones you have forever), and that at that point, since we were sexually active, If I had it it could be assumed that he had it as well. And again, we don’t know where it came from so we don’t know who had it first.
I told him even though I was freaking out and worried because he has a right to know and make decisions for his own health, especially since I had a high risk strain. We decided that since he likely already has it, nothing changed. Our relationship stayed the same, except sometimes now I make jokes about it. I had a Pap smear a year later and I am clear from HPV but still have abnormal cells so we will see how my Pap smear at the end of this year goes. Informed consent is very important. It’s important for you to know if they have something even if it’s “no big deal”. By knowing and not telling you, she took away your choice to decide what to do. And that’s messed up.
There seems to be a lot of manufactured drama here.
HPV is incredibly common. Something like 80% of sexually active adults will get it at some point in their lives and most will clear it on their own. Condoms also provide marginal protection from it at best. I guess your ex’s behavior wasn’t great but this seems like a lot of fuss over nothing.
Hpv can cause issues in men, which is why it’s important to get the HPV vaccine if you have had sex with more than one person or if your partner has had sex with more than one person. HPV is still a big deal in men and women, HPV is the number one cause of throat cancer in both sexes.
Despite what others have said, I think if she and you went as far as to have an STD panel, it would have been an opportune time for her to bring this up so that if you had questions you could speak to a medical doctor ahead of time. So I don’t blame you for ditching.
If you’ve had sex, you probably already have HPV.
I don’t think anyone has the right to tell you how to feel about this.
If I had any kind of transferable disease I would disclose for my own conscience sake so my partner makes an informed decision.
She actively coerced him into having unprotected sex. Yea it’s not aids but everyone has thier own feelings on the issue.
It’s mad that people have the audacity to call this manufactured drama. Good riddance to bad rubbish 🗑
You should go to your primary care provider and ask for the vaccine. Every sexually active person without a vaccine allergy should do that.
I had a prostate infection in december 2022 and it still gives me pain , can’t sleep more than 3-4 hours at time.
Soft my ass .
Dump her immediately , this isn’t a red flag it’s a pirates flag
edit: everybody downvoted me , so basically everybody that downvoted me hides STDs from their partner ? 😂 wow.
Image one day somebody infects you with HIV , cause why not? Reddit is a funny place
I view what she did to you as a crime. I don’t know if it’s illegal where you live but it should be.
You made the correct decision to break up
Much of the information about HPV virus (human papillomavirus) centers on women,
since having the virus increases their risk of getting cervical
cancer. But HPV virus in men can cause health problems, too. It’s
important for men to understand how to reduce the risks of HPV
infection. HPV infection can increase a man’s risk of getting genital
cancers, although these cancers are not common. HPV can also cause
genital warts in men, just as in women. More than half of men who are
sexually active in the U.S. will have HPV at some time in their life.
Often, men will clear the virus on their own, with no health problems
My advice is that you did the right thing in breaking up with her because not only is she untrustworthy, she’s fucking stupid.
BY THE WAY, one of my MALE co-workers had throat cancer a couple of years ago. Care to guess what doctors said caused it?
General consensus of doctors online is that HPV doesn’t need to be disclosed. Almost all sexually active people have it, condoms don’t protect against it and it can even spread by non sexual contact.
I get that you are upset that she didn’t disclose it to you, but as a woman, you often even litteraly get told that you don’t need to disclose this info to a sexual partner.
1. You have every right to feel the way you do about this. In the US you have grounds to sue them bc what they did is technically illegal
2. Your ex wasnt fully wrong but she wasn’t right either (in the sense of does hpv affect men). While in most cases men won’t have any effects and goes away on its own, there is still the chances of getting genitalia warts or worse cancer. She 100% put you at risk (bc even if she says hers wasn’t cancerous you had no way of knowing for sure) for these thing by what she did and you should definitely go talk to a doctor.
3. Men can be secret carriers (bc men don’t experience the side effects as much) so its best to go get tested and making sure you’re clean before having unprotected sex with anyone else
Something like 98% of the sexually active population has HPV. In Canada you don’t even have to tell your partner and half the time the doctor doesn’t even tell you. You likely already had it yourself.
Wait did she get tested as well?
Also, did you have a frank discussion ahead of time, something like, “do you have any STD’s” and she lied?
I can’t imagine ever having a sexual relationship without direct questions AND an STI screening for both partners.
That should be the most basic adult thing.
First of all. This was a stupid reason to break up with your girlfriend. You are not educated on HPV. There are over 100 different strains of HPV, most of which clear up on their own.
There is no test for HPV in men, though they can pass it along and carry it. Most HPV clears up on its own, a few strains can increase your risk of cancer, especially cervical cancer hence why women are screened for it, and if a Pap smear comes back with HPV cells they watch it to see if it clears on its own or causes abnormal cells to grow on the cervix.
Your girlfriend didn’t “hide” anything from you. You could have it too, you could have a different strain and give it to her and you would never even know.
For example: I got a pap two years ago, no HPV cells. Had one again a year later, HPV cells present this time. Neither me or my partner cheated, it just showed up. Doctor confirmed this can happen. Most likely got it from my current partner who didn’t know he was carrying it (because there is NO test for men).
So this was a really stupid thing to break up with your girlfriend over, especially at your age. Educate yourself before acting like your girlfriend gave you some deadly disease.
When you have unprotected sex with someone you roll the dice, period. That said you get a full panel std test in the US, HPV probably isn’t included.
So even if she was honest she’d have no way of knowing. I think she should have disclosed. But honestly you can’t have unprotected sex with someone you’ve known 5 months.
Hey dude I was in your shoes 10 years ago. Trusted a woman, had unprotected sex and she gave me gonorrhea and HPV.
She knew too or at least was denying it when I confronted her about it. She was the only partner I had been with in a long time. I know there is a latency or possible dormant stage but it lined up too well.
Gonorrhea went away after a round of antibiotics. After that I was gutted like my sex life, future marriage with whoever and so on was done.
You won’t want to hear this but HPV never goes away but if you stay on top of your doctor visits, get the growths removed fast there is a good chance you won’t have any visible growths after some time.
I haven’t seen one show up in 8 years which is right around the same time I started seeing my now wife. I just told her after the first couple dates that I’d like to hold off.
So you may feel like your life is over but in reality HPV is so common. My doctor at the time called it love cooties.
I guess my advice would be to find a primary care doctor, stay on top of it and you’ll be just fine.
I’m not a doctor but you can PM me if you want to talk about stuff. Good luck dude.
I mean, you should have already assumed you currently have it, have had it since you started having sex, and anyone you will ever have sex with for the rest of your life has it. That’s just how statistically likely it is regardless of protection.
I don’t kiss people when I have so much as cold, let alone have unprotected sex when knowing I can give someone my disease
I think I would have done the same. Not just for HPV but if you have something like cold sore or contagious I’d still like to know.
I think omitting conditions where you know that your partner might want to keep distance from you if you have it, is deception and manipulation. That is lie by omission.
On the other hand, if I had something like that, I’d definitely like my partner to know because I’d like to know if the roles were reversed. Also because having someone that im In a relationship who could potentially get sickness from me, whether its mild or not, will bother me. That’s just me. I even give my pets space when I have cold because I don’t want them to get sick on my account.
Sorry, but she’s sh*t. You have those conversations before having sex and especially unprotected sex, and she deceived you.
>in men it’s a lot softer
That’s a crap excuse an no justification for not telling you. E.g. if she gave you HPV, it’s relevant for every sexual partner you have for the rest of your life – *and she didn’t tell you*.
With that kind and level of deception, I’d be inclined to tell her “F*ck you, we’re done.”, and walk. Dear knows what else she’s hiding from you or may hide in future – sure as hell don’t be wanting to give her a “pass” on that.
>broke up with her
Good, that’s the right move.
>She’s not a trustworthy person
Yep, you got it – dump her and move on.
I mean, everything she argued is true. You should educate yourself more on HPV and the different strains. You realize you (men) can’t even get tested for it so what would be the point in telling you?
It’s true that HPV is incredibly common and most of the time doesn’t cause any symptoms at all in men.
However, she should have disclosed it to you because it should have been your decision on how to proceed with it. A silent disease is still a disease, and you could have not had it before and used protection to keep it that way.
She shouldn’t have made that decision for you just because she didn’t see it as a big deal for you especially after making STD testing a big thing before that.
She abused you. Point at the line.
It is a pretty universal deal-breaker.
I am firmly in the camp of “if I can’t trust you, there is no place for you in my life”
I’m finding the people saying it’s no big deal on here terrifying. It’s a potentially life threatening disease. She should’ve told you so you could’ve made an informed decision when consenting to sex. I’m sorry you went through this. It’s absolutely not okay.